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Please help...desperate and now Social services now involved

(162 Posts)
Micramummy Fri 09-Feb-18 05:32:55

So I am in the process of divorcing my husband of of over 14 years after finding horrendous catalogue of pornographic and transsexual images and videos on his lap top going back several years including adverts to meet men and women in local woodlands for sex ad photo shoots etc. I have been completely in shock since the discovery and on autopilot for months whilst trying to divorce him and sell the family home.
My relationship with my dd has always been very fractious and she has always been incredibly close to her father. I was always very strict and him always very soft and I was always the career one and him at home a lot more.
I raise my hand and admit that I have smacked her from time to time when she has been out of line but over the last 8 months with all that is going on she has become more and more protective of her daddy and more and more abusive towards me (she is a teenager). She has some knowledge of what he has been doing-cross dressing/internet etc and actually thinks it’s ‘cool’ and tells me I am prejudice and he hasn’t broken any laws etc: She actually says she blames me because I was always at work shock clearly she doesn’t know the sex/pornographic/videos part!
It rips me apart every time he is sat on her bed with a take away loving the limelight while she barely even lets me in her room and tells me daily she wants to live with Dad when the house is sold etc....
On two or three occasions over the last 8 mth we have got into a horrible confrontation and I have slapped her. I know this is wrong and have apologised to her after and tried to talk to her but there is just no getting through and I feel totally helpless in this complete horror story that I am living in.
Because of my stbxh I have lost my 17 year relationship, my family, my beautiful home is on the market, my daughter hates me..... and now she has told the school I hit her and they have reported me to social services !!!
I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else.... I honestly don’t know what to do and almost took an overdose yesterday because I am so desperate

Rainbowqueeen Fri 09-Feb-18 05:40:33

You sound like you are under huge amounts of stress. Please go and see your GP, you need some RL help

What a horrendous situation for you. I would cooperate with SS tell them everything. Is your STBX been charged? It must be awful trying to protect your DD from the truth while he plays Disney dad.

Yes it is not right that you hit her, that's why you need help and support so you can find other ways of dealing with this flowers

Broken11Girl Fri 09-Feb-18 05:52:58

I won't be putting any flowers in a reply to someone who has hit their child, and not as a one-off.
I'm glad her DD reported her.
Poor kid.
Yes OP may have mh issues, no excuse.

Micramummy Fri 09-Feb-18 07:21:55

No excuse. I can’t see any light at the moment. I am not a child abuser, I’ve worked so hard to give my dd the best and love her more than anything but I can’t cope with the emotional blackmail and being stuck in this situation with my ex who has hurt and disrespected me (and out dd) so much and seems to be getting no repercussions at all while I am losing everything ...
Rainbowqueen prosecuted for what? As he and my dd keep telling me, he hasn’t broken the law it’s just disgusting and socially inaccaptable behaviour. When I say i will report him and show S Services images etc they just say they will tell them I beat my dd up, which I do NOT! I smack her when she is extremely naughty and hurtful,

Begrateful Fri 09-Feb-18 07:27:19

OP, I feel sorry for the situation you are in because of your STBExH. He has been very deceptive over the years, secretively building up a catalogue of dirty sexual materials in the family home. He has probably slept with many men and women behind your back - disgusting.

This is when you need to be stronger than ever and accept the reality. Things may not have gone how you wanted it but you still have the choice to create a better future.thanksthanksthanks

Every parent has their own way of disciplining their child. Legally you can smack/hit your child, it is not a crime in the UK as long as you don't cause injury or leave a mark. You do not need to apologise for discipline your child how you see fit if it's within the law.

If your daughter wants to live with her father, do not stop her- let her go ahead. It seems she prefers her father over you because he is more of a Disney dad and you're the stricter one . You are strict because you want the best for her in life and it's hard trying to do that when you have a clown for a DH in the picture. Sometimes you have to give people what they want, so you can focus on rebuilding yourself otherwise there will be a constant battle.thanksthanksthanksthanks

Don't be hard on yourself and stop over processing everything that has happened for the last 7 yrs. It's not your fault he's done what he did. Be relieved that at least you found out now that later. You don't have to waste anymore years living a lie with a manipulative man.

Don't worry about the SS getting involved. They have a process to follow and from what you've admitted, I don't see any wrong doing on your part. Your daughter is being manipulated by her dad and revengeful for reporting you. Be careful how you interact with her from now onwards. OP you won't lose your career over this and have nothing to fear. I have dealt with SS in the past and their main aim is to protect and help the children along with supporting other members of the family unit.

Over the next couple of days be easy on yourself and try not to get overwhelmed. Remember your situation is temporary and there are better days ahead.thanksthanksthanksthanksthanks

AJPTaylor Fri 09-Feb-18 07:37:34

Gosh that is tough. I do have sympathy. My only initial reaction is that if SS investigated/ proceeded with every case of a teen provoking a slap theyd have no time left. I doubt they would ask police to prosecute, surely?
And quite handy to express your concerns about ex h .

Qvar Fri 09-Feb-18 07:38:31

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MyBoysAndI Fri 09-Feb-18 07:39:18

As said previously, let her live with her Dad. Next time she says it agree thay she can and ask her to start packing.

I wouldn't stand for that nonsense and don't when my own children try that arguement to get their own way.

Also if SS are now involved what's stopping you reporting the laptop situation.

Begrateful Fri 09-Feb-18 07:41:24

Broken11Girl, clearly you know little or nothing about UK laws regarding what parents can and cannot do when disciplining their children. You seem to be very narrow minded and projecting.

OP, is not a child abuser and as she stated wants the best for her daughter. It's obvious that OP's DH is using their DD as a weapon against OP and that's a terrible position for OP to be in. OP may feel force to comply with their demands otherwise they'd tell a string of lies on her.

For the troubles her STBExH has caused OP deserves as many flowers...


Quartz2208 Fri 09-Feb-18 07:42:55

No you just take it out on her when you can’t cope sorry that is not disciplining it’s losing control. Your dd life has been ripped apart as well and yet everything is all about you

Bluedoglead Fri 09-Feb-18 07:43:48

You have hit your DD and you justify it.

I smack her when she is extremely naughty and hurtful,

You can’t do that. You wouldn’t hit anyone in your professional career you can’t hit her.

You can tell SS about the images on the laptop, but unless they are illegal images, what do you want them to do? It isn’t illegal to watch open. It isn’t illegal to watch transsexual porn. As far as the meeting goes, did he actually meet anyone?

I’m sorry you are going through this but you can’t vent your frustration and anger on your daughter. Good luck.

Qvar Fri 09-Feb-18 07:44:01

To your daughter, this situation is very clearl cut. One parent hits her and one doesn’t. Smacking your own child isn’t illegal but neither are a lot of reprehensible behaviours. And it’s non consensual.

Pornography doesn’t and won’t affect your daughter, and certainly won’t have any impact on your ex’s ability to raise a child whereas you slapping when you’re stressed is impacting your relationship.

Nobody’s going to prosecute you over a slap. But you aren’t being the better option in anyone’s opinion, not just your daughters.

Your ex hurt YOU. Not his daughter.

Truthstar Fri 09-Feb-18 07:47:57

I really really do feel sorry for you. Honestly what an awful situation. For you all.

But ..... your dd did not cause this. Shes caught in the middle and its going to destroy her.
You have to stop this raising your hand and smacking your dd. Its just not right. And Its causing her to turn away from you.

Be honest with social services. Tell them you're struggling to cope and need support.

I know things are so tough for you and its not your fault. But dont hit your dd again. Sit her down and tell her too that you've been struggling, that youre sorry for the smacking and that youre here for her no matter what.
You need to reassure her that physical discipline is not a feature in your parenting anymore. And that you want to work on rebuilding your relationship with her. You need to rebuild her trust.


holightssmolights Fri 09-Feb-18 07:51:00

I think if this was about a father smacking or slapping his DD on more than one occasion then there wouldn't be flowers in people's posts. I think the OP would be being told to leave ASAP and protect her daughter. I think Brokengirl has a point.

OP - I'm not saying that what you're going through with your DH isn't awful but you need to own it and be an adult. Your daughter will be feeling scared and helpless of course she's acting out.
Get a grip, quit slapping your daughter and try to repair the relationship with her if you can and if she'll let you whilst disentangling yourself from your dh.

greendale17 Fri 09-Feb-18 07:58:23

*I think if this was about a father smacking or slapping his DD on more than one occasion then there wouldn't be flowers in people's posts. I think the OP would be being told to leave ASAP and protect her daughter.*

^Completely agree. I can’t believe the double standards here.

OP you have no right to keep slapping your daughter because you have no control. Your daughter needs protecting from you!

Radyward Fri 09-Feb-18 07:59:15

You hit her because she is younger and think you can get away with it. Well it has all hit the fan now. Explain all to SS im sure they will take the circumstances into account and never hit her again. The poor girl

Notallthat Fri 09-Feb-18 08:01:02

Slapped her? Where? Theres a massive difference between a smack on the hand and a slap around the face.
Your daughter has had a lot to come to terms with too and she is a child. I'm sorry you are having a tough time but it sounds to me like you assaulted your daughter rather than reasonable chastisemenent and I think if you are under that much pressure it may be best if she stays with her dad.

Boatsonthewater Fri 09-Feb-18 08:02:04

What in earth is wrong with people? This poor woman is dealing with an absolutely horrendous situation. Yes, she slapped her daughter. She's human, she's absolutely at the end of her rope. I wonder how many people here would behave like saints under similar circumstances?

I have no idea what to suggest here, other than to tell your daughter the truth. A horrible thing to have to do, but she needs to know in order to understand what you are dealing with. She can't live with him if he's addicted to watching that stuff, but it doesn't sound like she wants to live with you either. Is there someone who could take her for a few months whilst things get sorted out?

You need to tell SS what is happening. They have far far more to deal with than parents who occasionally slap their child when dealing with extreme stress. You need support, and you need to be honest with those around you as to what is going on.

holightssmolights Fri 09-Feb-18 08:08:19

Boats - I'm not suggesting we'd behave like saints. I am suggesting that slapping or smacking your teenage daughter IS WRONG. She is not the one to blame for
the OPs situation.

Again - double fucking standards for mothers who hit and fathers who hit. Ffs

Boatsonthewater Fri 09-Feb-18 08:09:34

Yes, she KNOWS it's wrong . Do you think she feels good about it? She needs support. We all do things that are wrong sometimes. Blaming her will not help, will it?

rowdywoman1 Fri 09-Feb-18 08:10:42

It does sound as if you are taking your frustration at your husband out on your daughter. You need to be able to control your emotions and to guarantee that you will never strike her again if you are to rescue this situation.
Your daughter is not your husband - it is sad for you that she is siding with him but that is her choice and to be frank, if you are being abusive then that is unsurprising that she wants to be with him.
My priority would be to try to repair your relationship with your daughter. You need some proper conversations with her where you first apologise to her and guarantee that you will never hit her again. Then you need to listen to her without arguing or interrupting.. Her world is also being torn apart and you can't expect her to take your side. Don't try to justify your assaults - you are in the wrong and she needs to know you will never repeat this.
If social services are involved then they may help with that - they don't want to split up children from their families BUT their priority is to make sure they are safe from an adult who hits them.
Is there someone you can talk to outside the family - you need an opportunity to talk in safety so that you can start to process what is happening.

Gazelda Fri 09-Feb-18 08:15:32

I sympathise. It sounds a hellish situation.
But I also sympathise with your DD, she must be full of worries, confusion, split loyalties. And on top of that, her DM hits her. Of course she's going to side with the parent that is soothing and listens to her.
I agree with all that Rowdy said. Talk to her, confide in someone impartial, use SS to access help and support for your family.

DianaT1969 Fri 09-Feb-18 08:19:14

I’ve now got to have a CAF and I am a professional women and could end up losing my career aswell as everything else..

You talk about losing everything. You can't lose what you never have or don't want. You didn't have a good relationship with your husband - he wasn't who you thought he was. That's over - let it go.
A house is just a house. Concentrate on getting yourself out asap to your own home, even a small rented flat.
Co-operate with CAF and apologise to your daughter for slapping. You're the parent and she has been stuck in an unhappy home.
She wants to live with her dad? Fine, that's her choice and her right. Leave them to it. Hopefully you can rebuild your relationship with her over time. It might take counselling. Be patient and give her space.
Concentrate on your job, as that's the one thing that's good in your life.

noname687328 Fri 09-Feb-18 08:22:48

Wow everyone trying to make out op is an abuser... my mum slapped me round the face once when I was a teenager because I was HORRIBLE!!!! I'm glad you're all perfect parents, well done.

Op the school obviously had to report the allegation, speak to who you need to and be honest. I can't give much advice on the situation but as you've said her dad hasn't done anything to her and she obviously adores him. As hard as it will be you should probably try to keep your feelings about him hidden from her. Definitely seek some support from gp etc xx

holightssmolights Fri 09-Feb-18 08:24:48

But boats, it's not me blaming her is it? It's her dd. And blaming her for hitting her? Well yes probably because she has. Of course parents aren't saints - but repeatedly using violence against your daughter (or anyone to be frank) isn't acceptable. If a stranger walked up to your dd and assaulted her you'd not be saying don't worry, not everyone is a saint!!

Listen OP, I cannot imagine what you're going through and I'm really very sorry that you felt driven to take an overdose. You must feel completely broken and at a loss what to do. You need support and guidance on navigating a very acrimonious divorce.

I agree with the pp who suggest utilising the support that SS can offer in the hope that you can repair your relationship with your dd and find new ways of coping. It will also help with your divorce I imagine.

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