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Domestic abuse or not?

(22 Posts)
Pho2Mum Thu 07-Dec-17 22:48:08

Hi everyone. I'm in need of some advice please. I have been trying to find a solicitor to get a nmo/occupation order but that's not happening. There's no physical abuse , just psychological and I did not call the police every time we're having an argument. I'm not clear when to call the police if he's just calling me names. Lately, my husband is staying out a lot even through the night. Since I lost my job last June, he does not pay for the care of ds, food, clothes. He never did anyway as I was working part time and I was able to do so myself. Also, I'm now taking care of ds full time which has taken a toll and made it harder to find a job. I'm on my own, no family or friends. He has stopped paying for the bills which means I have to do it but he does shower. If I try to talk about it, he starts threatening, intimidating me. So I don't talk about anything anymore. No one seems to want to help. Sollicitors saying they'll let me know and I'm just waiting. Since, he's out most of the time now, does it mean that we've just drifted away and there's no abuse anymore? Because then I'll just go for a separation/divorce. Why are the solicitors not helping me out of this?

Poshindevon Fri 08-Dec-17 06:10:36

This is definitely domestic abuse.
The solicitors are not helping because you need to instruct them and define the type of abuse you are enduring. As your not working will you have money to pay a solicitor?
Contact Womens Aid for advice and support.
Is your house rented ? If so change the locks and take him off the tenancy agreement. Pack his stuff and put it outside.
You need to divorce your not a doormat. Start proceedings straight away. Good luck

MrsBertBibby Fri 08-Dec-17 07:41:30

If solicitors aren't getting on with it, try NCDV

Solicitors are terrified of taking on injunctions where it isn't "violent enough" because if they grant funding and the Legal Aid Agency thinks they shouldn't have, it goes down as a negative key performance indicator on the firm's record, and the firm can lose the right to do legal aid work at all.

It sucks, but there it is.

Pho2Mum Sat 09-Dec-17 08:43:58

@PoshinDevon, I do want to start proceedinds asap. Our house is rented but it's on his name. How do I get his name removed from the tenancy? I have told the solicitors everything that's been happening. I have also been in touch with Women's aid. The advisor has drafted a supporting letter as I was counselled there since Jan 2016 but I am still waiting for sollicitor to start proceedings. Should I call the police if there's words exchange?

Pho2Mum Sat 09-Dec-17 08:49:12

@MrsBertBibby, I have contacted ncdv but they deal only with physical abuse. If a case is not perceived as 'violent enough' by the solicitors, does it mean that I have to carry on living like this? Do you know what's the difference if I was to go for a separation, then divorce?

MrsBertBibby Sat 09-Dec-17 10:06:56

I think your best bet it to get a divorce moving straight away, you can do the papers yourself ( go for unreasonable behaviour, put what you said in your OP).

Are you getting any benefits? If so are you assessed as a couple or a single parent? If you are divorcing you should be able to claim as single.

CAB can help about benefits.

Is your home owned, private rental, or HA/council?

MrsBertBibby Sat 09-Dec-17 10:09:02

No, you don't have to go on like this, but I'm afraid help from lawyers is hard to get these days. Blame the Tories.

Get divorcing , tell me your housing situation and I will try to advise further.

Pho2Mum Sat 09-Dec-17 14:25:53

@Mrs BertyBibby, he gets housing and council tax benefits and he claims as us being a couple but he does not give us anything. Our home is HA and he put only his name on the tenancy. He's been threatening to kick me out. He actually did last December, Council won't help rehouse me and my son as they say it's a matrimonial home. So I end putting up with him because I don't have anywhere else to go. Should I file for separation first? But then he'll force me to leave the house straight away. Has he got the right to do that? Police said he can as only his name is on the tenancy. What shall I do please?

Pho2Mum Sat 09-Dec-17 16:04:56

@MrsBertBibby, Sorry I wrote your name wrong. The solicitor said to go for nmo/oo because divorce means everything in half and he will get the house. But I'm just waiting and waiting. I have no assets but a small savings of less than 3k. Will I have to give him half of this?

Poshindevon Sat 09-Dec-17 16:29:27

OP have you actually been to the housing association who owns your property and discussed the matter with them and the abuse you are enduring.
Dont tell DH or anyone about your savings as far as he is concerned you have nothing.
You could ask Womens Aid to take you in but you would have to live in a hostel at first.
Solicitors need to be instructed have done that?
Call the police when he kicks off you should have done that when he threw you out in 2016

Pho2Mum Sat 09-Dec-17 17:12:19

@Poshindevon, yes I have been to the HA. They said he's the sole tenant and I have to go to the council for homelessness which I did. The HA said the only way to get my name in the tenancy is to get an occupation order and the council sent me back to the house as we moved in married with ds. I feel like he planned it all when he put only his name on the tenancy. It's like going in circles. What to instruct the solicitor? The last time, there was threat to use violence but the solicitor did not do anything. Time has now passed.

MrsBertBibby Sat 09-Dec-17 23:40:43

You really need to see a solicitor, even if just for an advice session, but here's what I think on this limited information.

First, as you are married you have matrimonial home rights. If he excludes you the court will order him to allow you back, (and probably make a non molestation order at the same time.)

What you need to do is to apply for an order transferring the tenancy to your name. Use form D50B

The court can't transfer the tenancy until you have decree Nisi, so you need to do the divorce as well, but you must NOT apply for decree Absolute until the transfer is ordered as otherwise your matrimonial home rights are gone.

So, issue your petition and D50B, if his behaviour deteriorates, reconsider a non mol, if he threatens to exclude you, or does, go for an occupation order.

Pho2Mum Mon 11-Dec-17 13:38:36

@MrsBertBibby, I have been looking into what you said. So, just to clarify, I have to apply for decree nisi 1st, then file the form d50b?

MrsBertBibby Mon 11-Dec-17 13:41:51

Get your petition in first, then once your decree nisi application is in issue the transfer of tenancy applicatin.

Pho2Mum Mon 11-Dec-17 17:16:21

This is all new to me. How to get my petition in? Would you believe I have been in contact with 3 different sollicitors for months asking for help.

Pho2Mum Mon 11-Dec-17 17:20:34

Day by day, I get more distraught. He does not do nothing at home. Literally. And now squash, bread, etc things I buy for ds, he's using them. And he leaves his dirty dishes for me to wash up.

MrsBertBibby Mon 11-Dec-17 17:50:00

Here's a guide, with a link to the form.

prh47bridge Mon 11-Dec-17 17:50:27

The petition is your decree nisi application. You complete the appropriate forms and submit them with the correct fee.

MrsBertBibby Mon 11-Dec-17 17:51:17

There's a link on the page for help with fees, which gives you the form to get out of paying the fee (otherwise £550)

Do you have your marriage certificate?

Pho2Mum Mon 11-Dec-17 18:08:46

Yes I do a marriage certificate.

Pho2Mum Mon 11-Dec-17 18:11:58

He's got no right to kick out of the house when he's served the notice of my petition, does he?

MrsBertBibby Mon 11-Dec-17 22:56:28

No, he does not.

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