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Farther of my child is taking me to court

(21 Posts)
Scev88 Tue 31-Oct-17 02:25:47


My ex is taking me to court, over access! He has DD (2.5 years old) twice a week, I have recieved court letter to attend FHDRA.. Do I get a solicitor or represent myself?? He has put a covering letter with the court paper c100... I didn't attend mediation as I thought he was bluffing and between receiving the 1st letter from mediation solicitor and 2nd letter, Ex and my mother meet to agree on access.. which he accepts mon/Thurs afternoons...

He has filed saying I sent abusive text messages, I have been aboard twice, I only allow access when convenient by me, I refuse relationship with his son (age 11, mother number 1) and my daughter. Stoped overnight access, and something about money, that 95% I'm not with my daughter I'm at work/football/nights out/blokes and that it's non of his business who DD is left with.

I work 4days a week, 2days of them she is nursery and Ex collects on one of them days, and has her on a Monday (I work) sat early shift (1or 2 times a month) sleep over at nanny,s I get up and go and DD stays there til I finish afternoon..

He has had random over night care but I was not 100% comfortable with this, he works as a driver mon-fri (1-2am to 1-2pm) and a doorman on weekends plays football on Saturdays and takes his son to football every Sunday and only has a 1 bed flat, sleeps during the afternoon! He also has another daughter (age 6 with mother number 2) which he has not mentioned at all in the court papers as he is taking her to court also.

I stopped all access for a period of 8days as I recieved a abusive/threatening text saying it was all my fault he has lost access to daughter (age 6) it was not my doing it was his own doing, he left child with the latest new partner and went to work... message saying he is to go to town on me..

I do get maintenance money (not through CSA) I have put into account in my DD's name.i don't want his petty money

I don't hate his son but when we wer together he called me names and has big behaviour problems (due to lack of farther/mother roll models) and I don't want my DD to pick up on it all. He preposes that he will get every other weekend and 1 or 2 days in the week. Where are these 3 children from 3 different mothers to stay in a one bed flat?? And why is it he taking 2 mothers out of 3 to court!!

When I was 20 weeks pregnant we had an altercation and he man handled me out of my home. I went to the HV to check the baby and I had broken up with him, but stupidly got back with him and stuck with it for 18months.. Ex didn't take me home from hospital when DD was born, he went to work instead. Can I use all this in my defence??

I feel that the routine we have works well, and I would agree to overnight care if I could trust him and not to leave DD in the care of new partner/stranger.. He is to care for her but when we wer together looking back I was the glorified babysitter!! And had his kids every other weekend while he was at work, and mother number 2 would say she done the same.

Any advise

Thanks sarah

CosmicPineapple Tue 31-Oct-17 02:44:00

You could try but I am not sure any of what you said would help.
There is nothing to show he is putting DD at risk or neglecting her.
He also has acxess with another child so there are no concerns regarding his ability to do basic parenting.

Two afternoons a week is very little OP and as a parant I can see why he would want more access.

If you start mentioning new gf and your dd not being allowed in their care it may come accross as petty.

Stick to the facts in court and try to get the point across that you want the best for DD.

PotteringAlong Tue 31-Oct-17 02:44:55

I think you need legal advice. Especially as you didn't turn up to mediation.

beingsunny Tue 31-Oct-17 04:14:23

Your post is quite confusing?
Your mother agrees contact with him on your behalf?
I’m not sure his other children are too much of a factor here and unfortunately who she has contact with while in his care is only his business, obviously it would be best if it were him but you don’t have a say in it.
I agree with pp two afternoons isn’t much, and you may need to look at a plan to increase this gradually.

You should have attended mediation, I would seek legal advice.

Cupoteap Tue 31-Oct-17 04:50:53

Not attending mediation was a mistake.

You need to get everything written down and in order. You need some legal advise. Even if you tell them you will represent yourself they can help.

StrawberryJelly00 Tue 31-Oct-17 04:53:08

You should have attended the mediation - at court it doesn’t look good when you didn’t.

You can bring up past issues if the Judge/Magistrate decides this adds up to a safeguarding issue the local authority - Children’s services will be asked to do an assessment report to provide to the court.

Seek legal advice asap do not just leave it the way that you left the mediation

MrsBertBibby Tue 31-Oct-17 07:25:26

I shouldn't stress too much about mediation, most judges and magistrates know full well it gets used for point scoring, and would never have helped. Sad but true. They tend to just accept you are where you are on the day.

Yes, get legal advice. If you can afford it, instruct a solicitor. For a FHDRA, it might be cheaper to use a direct access barrister. Roughly where are you? If you're in the South East I can suggest some chambers who could quote. How long until the hearing?

hiddley Tue 31-Oct-17 07:31:18

I'd say he's going for overnights in order to get a council house.

Yogagirl123 Tue 31-Oct-17 07:35:05

I would disagree, in my experience courts, love mediation, if an agreement can be found between two parties it saves a waste of court time. However, that opportunity has been missed now, so I would seek legal advice ASAP.

MrsBertBibby Tue 31-Oct-17 08:09:08

In any case, mediation privilege prevents the court from knowing anything much more than whether the applicant went to a MIAM. Although most solicitors are stupendously crap at respecting mediation privilege, and blithely bleat about it in open correspondence and court documents when they have no right to do so.

In any case OP, don't sweat the mediation point. It is unlikely to make the slightest difference now.

Jellybean85 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:18:04

The historical stuff about Him not bringing you home is a bit irrelevant really they will want to know about his relationship with your DD.
I would go along, with legal representative if possible and put your side across. Maybe it will be better to have an agreement written down anyway, you won’t have to be arranging it through your mum.

Scev88 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:18:22

So it is ok DD is left with new partner while he is at work? All I want is DD to be in his care? He has always had her 2 days a week, he accused me of him loosing access to his 2nd child which has nothing to do with me. I didn't attend mediation as mediation was done through my mother and him as we can't have a civil conversation! I'm not disagreeing with the over night care, I just want OP to be in his care?

Scev88 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:21:08


notapizzaeater Tue 31-Oct-17 08:31:48

Unless there is a really good reason Dads should have overnights. You need legal advice quickly.

prh47bridge Tue 31-Oct-17 08:39:03

He cannot dictate who your daughter sees or how you arrange childcare when she is in your care. Similarly you cannot dictate what happens when she is in his care. Unless there is evidence that his new partner is a safeguarding risk the courts will not stop him from leaving his daughter with her while he is at work. If you try to argue that he shouldn't be allowed to do this you will look unreasonable.

The fact he is taking 2 out of 3 mothers to court is irrelevant. Presumably he is happy with the current contact arrangements with his son. Some of the other stuff you mention is irrelevant such as the fact he didn't take you home from hospital. The courts are only interested in what is best for your daughter. They don't care about arguments the parents have had in the past. If you bring things like that up it will sound like you are withholding contact to punish him. The courts don't like parents who behave in that way.

You need proper legal advice. However, based on the information you have posted it is likely he will get significantly more contact than you are currently allowing. I know that isn't what you want to hear but, unless there are important facts missing from your post, that is the likely outcome.

Scev88 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:40:32


Scev88 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:41:12


GreenTulips Tue 31-Oct-17 08:49:26

I agree you can't dictate who the child is left with during his time when he's at work. Even is you are free to do that childcare. However what will he do if the new girlfriend says no? Or if there's no girlfriend to do this? Is he prepared to pay childcare?

Jellybean85 Tue 31-Oct-17 08:55:21

Agree with pp that you can’t say who he let’s babysit, he gets to make that decision on his time just like you do on yours, imagine if he said you can’t leave her with your mum and must be with her all the time when she’s not with him?
A judge wouldn’t impose restrictions like that on a parent. The only way t might become an issue is if he was leaving her with someone with convictions against children or
A registered sex offender, otherwise it’s up to
Him I’m afraid confused

WitchesHatRim Tue 31-Oct-17 08:56:56

All I want is DD to be in his care?

So your DC is in your care every second of the day then?

Istolethisusername Tue 31-Oct-17 09:27:51

I get what you mean OP.

My dcs dad works nights but still wanted overnight access. They would have been looked after by his new gf while he was at work, and asleep most of the next day. How is that him spending quality time with them? Which is what access is about. It made more sense for him to have them after school twice a week, which is what the agreement was until he moved abroad.

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