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Social services investigation doesn't feel very helpful

(4 Posts)
windyvelux Sat 21-Oct-17 19:03:21

I don't know if this is the right board to post on. I split with exp due to dv, I had moved with dc and not told him address. He has since found out my new address and consequently I asked police if they could put a marker on my new place to make me feel safer, just in case.

Police have put on a market and also referred to ss (they didn't tell me they were going to but I think it's standard?) and it's gone to access and assessment - they are doing a full on investigation - purely because ex now knows my address.

I don't really understand why and it feels really blown out of proportion. The sw is lovely, but I am left feeling anxious and on edge all the time thinking I must be a shitty parent or surely they wouldn't waste resources on this? It doesn't feel helpful or supportive.

When I split from ex ss spoke to me on the phone and then closed the case without even meeting me because I'd taken appropriate action in leaving and they believed I wouldn't go back. Obviously that was a different LA, but why is it so different here? Surely I've taken appropriate action informing police to make us as safe as possible?

The dc swore when the sw was here and she was really shocked and asked me if I swore. I was honest and said sometimes I do. I'm just wracked with worry thinking she must think I'm doing an awful job because they swore, and the kitchen was a mess cos I hadn't done the washing up.

I really don't want to rake up the past all over again. I just want to get on with life as normally as possible.

Would they really do this off the back of one referral from police because ex found out my new address?

Giverortakeafew Sat 21-Oct-17 20:39:19

The SS won't be interested in your untidy kitchen or your kid swearing if those are the only things that are off. They will be worried that your ex will weedle his way back into your lives, so they need to make sure you are strong enough to resist him doing that.

Different LAs do things differently and have different levels of resources. So may just be that your current LA has a more thorough approach and more SWs to do the work than the last one.

It does feel like they are criticising you at every turn, but so long as you are not breaking the law (dirty pots and swearing are not illegal) and you are not neglecting or putting your child at risk of harm, you should be fine.

windyvelux Sat 21-Oct-17 21:25:11

Oh, I just find it all very confusing. Ss say they don't get involved with contact issues. And ex sees dc supervised in a contact centre. But that won't go on forever and I'm under pressure from ex to move contact into the community. But if/when that does happen will ss not be happy?

Have avoided court for contact issues so far - which I think is good because court is stressful and expensive. But I feel pretty much alone, caught in the middle trying to do the right thing for my dc and feeling like I'm failing in every level.

Giverortakeafew Sat 21-Oct-17 22:33:06

Let SS guide you. Is it safe for him to see your child, even if supervised? Could he get under her skin and manipulating her? Will he lash out at her later, when she is not expecting it because he has lulled everyone into a false sense of security? I guess that is what they are thinking.

The bigger question for you is: 1. Is it better for her to have safe contacr with dad and know him or 2. Have no contacr and be deprived of knowing her dad (albeit thatbyou will have to fight him to achieve this).

It is really tricky and you should know that as long as you have thought long and hard about it and your decision is based on good reasons, you are a good mum. You have to make decisions for your child and all you can do is weigh up all the pros and cons and then go with it.

You will find the strength and resources to do the right thing for your child and the SS are in your corner, not his. They might be ultra cautious, but they have seen it all before and their only purpose is to keep kids safe.

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