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Historical Sexual Abuse

(7 Posts)
iamBushbaby20 Fri 13-Oct-17 22:23:26

My partner was abused in a children's home in Northumberland from 1976 to 1980. He was abused by several staff and the older children in the home. He remembers being fondled in bed and given oral sex. He also remembers being lined up and spanked with several people watching him. He knows he was given methodone. There are other things he was subjected to but he can't seem to put them together because they always gave him alchohol and drugs. The fact is he is 45 and has never addressed what happened to him however he can't hold down a job apart from being multi talented. He studied art and left his course. He is a talented builder painter and decorator as a trade but can't seem to concentrate enough to hold down a job so sometimes his jobs will last for 6 months. We get very little money and live on my teaching wage. He is also dependent on alchohol and that dependency is getting worse. He wants to get help as the flashbacks from his childhood keep coming back to him but he thinks no one will believe him as he can't piece things together. He does know his case worker at the time was heavily involved in his abuse. All of this has taken its toll on my health and I am beginning to get anxiety as well as other physical health problems! I would just really like him to talk to someone. He made an appointment for alchohol abuse the other day but cancelled it! I want for the remainder of his life to be happy but unless he addresses what happened to him I don't think he ever will be. Since a child he has also suffered from chronic depression! Has anyone else gone through this sort of thing! I just feel so out of my depth and love him so much!

FinallyReportedHim2 Sun 15-Oct-17 22:46:31

I didn't want to leave your post unanswered. I'm no expert, but last year my abuser was convicted 30+ years later, so i do have a good understanding of the enduring effects of child sexual abuse.

Jumbled memory and gaps in memory are very common in traumatic situations, even more so if he was given drugs and alcohol. (It's one symptom of PTSD - which I've been diagnosed with)

Of course people will believe him! I believe him.

I would suggest he talks to his GP in the first instance to see if they will refer him for trauma therapy. There is loads of info on the web, eg

iamBushbaby20 Mon 16-Oct-17 05:57:06

Thank you so much could he have PTSD for this long? That would be awful if so. I will get him to talk to his doctor! If he knows gaps are common then he should be able to move forward without worrying he won't be believed. He has also developed a distrust of authority so I think a doctor is the best way to initially cope with this.

Rhynswynd Mon 16-Oct-17 06:09:42

My dh has just started proceedings against his abusers and was believed and treated well by the police. Even where he has trouble remembering. They see it a lot sadly and these symptoms are similar in a lot of cases I think.

FinallyReportedHim2 Tue 17-Oct-17 06:40:35

Sadly PTSD can last a lifetime, but can improve lots with treatment.

The psychiatrist I save was very clear I still HAVE it ( as opposed to HAD it) although my symptoms have lessened lots over time and I've developed my own coping mechanisms, so he's not recommending and treatment at present. He thinks the remaining symptoms I have will last a lifetime.

I also couldn't fault the police throughout the investigation and trial process, they were so supportive. That said going to the police isn't right for everyone, it's a long hard criminal justice process, with no guarantee of success (i.e. A guilty) so careful thought about it before kicking it off about if it's what you want, will you cope.before you kick it off.
You GP should be able to signpost your DH to the local trauma services (I'm in Lancs and the have a website about their trauma service, so might be worth checking for your area.)

My biggest fear was always not being believed and years ago that may have been true, but not now. Before I went to the police I'd only ever told 2people in 30+ years. Since then I've told all my close friends, family members trusted work colleagues etc and the police, CPS and jury etc all believed ME! People will believe him I promise, but it's so hard to take that first step.
Sending an unmumsnetly hug to you and your DH.

FinallyReportedHim2 Tue 17-Oct-17 06:44:23

Also I have a gaps in my memory during the assaults on me and the shrink says the gaps are likely to be something traumatic that my brain can't cope with remembering sad
very common, very normal in the circumstances.

FinallyReportedHim2 Tue 17-Oct-17 06:45:11

Save =saw...

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