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Legal rights to kids if splitting up? Not married

(29 Posts)
harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 10:15:31

Hi I have 3 kids and my other half said some nasty things the other day of we split up them he will take the kids and say I'm mad. I'm not but I have had mild depression it's never interfered with my parenting. In fact was before kids and was down for a few weeks after birth. He mentions other girls all the time so I bought it up in conversation and he grabbed me really hardi, it hurt I thought he was going to hurt me. He owns the house and I gave my flat up to move away with him. Yeah I know don't say it please. My eldest isn't his although he calls him dad and my two youngest are. He also said I'm a danger when we argue but I look after them really well. I am the shell of a woman I once was. I'm beginning to think it's not his exes at fault when they split but him. He really hurt me but I've no where to turn to. I used to work and drive now dependent on him for everything. I don't think he has chested and says he is loyal but he cheated on an ex bit said she done it first. I'm quite sad as no one in this area to turn to. However saying all that I can't fault him as father he is great but it I split with him I want custody too but he says I can't have it and he will fight me got it. He has money you see. Thanks

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 10:16:35

Sorry for typos

picklemepopcorn Tue 12-Sep-17 10:53:55

What a nasty man. Go to women's aid for advice.

picklemepopcorn Tue 12-Sep-17 10:54:38

He's not a great father, by the way.

Nomoresunshine Tue 12-Sep-17 10:56:32

Having money doesn't mean he can buy dc with it!
Make an application to the court for residency.
Offer him access if you trust him.. See a solicitor if you don't.

Anecdoche Tue 12-Sep-17 11:02:54

a great father does not cause lifelong trauma to his children by abusing their mother.

that shit damages children and therefore anyone who does it simply cannot be a 'great' parent by any definition of the word.

the courts act in the best interests of the children. he does not have the control he is attempting to make you fear he does.

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 11:24:45

He is good dad. He took my kid on as his own. It's just one too often mentioning others girls like he trying to wind me up. I called him out and he got mad. Telling me all sorts. He apologised but now I'm seriously thinking if we split does he really have the upper hand? He hasn't ever hit me so I can't say it's abuse although he does like me at home for childcare which makes sense. Just after that particular argument I'm not sure if we will last anymore. I Just don't trust him fully anymore. He Even told me to get out but apologised and said house is mine too. I'm almost certain if he had the opportunity he would cheat too. He just had eyes for so many yet says he loves me and I never mention other men if I have innocently he gets funny. I'm not comfortable with him anymore for the fact he got so mad that day. Kids never involved or saw it. I'm just falling away from him. Thanks for advice.

Nomoresunshine Tue 12-Sep-17 11:37:39

I had dc when I met dh. I don't feel gratitude to him though. He was and tells me he feels privileged to be a part of their lives. They aren't a burden or a bargaining tool for when he wants to be a twat.

Orangebird69 Tue 12-Sep-17 11:44:52

Is he on the birth certificates as the father?

picklemepopcorn Tue 12-Sep-17 12:22:48

He may behave well to the children, but undermining you and threatening you -behaving abusively to their mother, which he is- means he is a bad father. Good Fathers look after the mother of their children with respect.

JohnVenn Tue 12-Sep-17 12:27:09

I'm guessing he has parental responsibility for your joint kids which means he legally has as much right to see them as you do.
When I left my abusive ex I had to obtain something called a prohibited steps order to legally stop him from just taking them to his house and away from me. As either parent with PR can do that.

Please seek legal advice. Women's aid are excellent.

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 14:03:17

Thank you all. He is on the birth certificate for two of the kids which are his too. I will seek advice from them regarding custody etc.

shinyshiner Tue 12-Sep-17 14:34:39

Go to your GP and discuss this with them. Tell them about any times he's hurt you, and anything he does that is controlling in any way. It will help you, if you do split - which it seems like you should because he is a bastard - to have records of you voicing your concerns to professionals.
It's an absolute classic tactic of abusive people to say they will keep the kids if you split btw. They all say it because they want to control you and scare you from trying to leave. It's a pretty empty threat - as you are their primary cater no court would take them from you unless you were a serious danger to them, which having mild depression does not make you nor would anyone think it would.
Agree with pp - call women's aid, as well as your GP.

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 16:03:04

He is saying he has the martial home so he is having the kids. Whilst he says it he is gloating too. How do I go about womans aid. He says he will make they know I'm the Looney?! I'm also worried about how all this will affect the kids. He has no love for me like he says he makes me cry so much. He can get really nasty with what he says but he does not hit me and I don't feel he is abusive. I just don't feel like this will go anywhere. He says he doesn't chat about woman and I must fancy them. I have had experiences with woman yes but that was in the past. Everything I say he turns it around?

JohnVenn Tue 12-Sep-17 16:24:54

Stop communicating with him over your plans op. He is enjoying getting a rise out of you and twisting your words.

Act quietly and calmly , seek your legal advice (WA have a helpline and will listen , tell you your options and offer support for those) and all will be well.

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 17:28:36

Thanks friend is coming with me. Thanks for advice

Oldie2017 Tue 12-Sep-17 17:33:13

I wuold start by going straight out there and getting a full time job. He sounds awful. Never ever give up full time work again. the state (benefits) and men all the time let you down but rarely do women themselves let themselves down hence working full time is usually the best way to protect your children.

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 18:15:45

Yes true. I'm thinking part time but certainly will eventually. Thanks

harvester77 Tue 12-Sep-17 18:36:58

He lets me keep money and isn't controlling with money but I would like to get out and work again.

Quartz2208 Tue 12-Sep-17 19:01:44

are you married?

the eldest he has no rights over unless he had adopted

he is far more controlling I think than you are ready to admit

Hont1986 Tue 12-Sep-17 20:17:16

He has no 'rights' over the eldest. (Legally speaking no-one has rights over the children but we all know what you mean, of course).

Access to the younger two depends a lot on how old they are and how much parenting he does. If he does at least 50% and is the one with the house near their school, friends, he has a job, etc., then he might get residency and you get access. If you have been doing most of the childcare, perhaps you would get residency. He would certainly get access to them, if that were the case.

MrsBennettsNerves Tue 12-Sep-17 20:58:50

Oldie2017, if OP went and got a FT job, wouldn't it damage her arguments for residency as she'd no longer be the children's main carer? Two FT working parents would be on a par, I would've thought, with going for residency, whereas atm OP is the one who spends most time with the children and looks after them so I thought courts would take that into account? I'm no expert though, so could easily be wrong.

Oldie2017 Wed 13-Sep-17 08:19:25

Loads of couples both work full time and on the whole the children tend to live with the mothers - whether that's sexism in the court system or older children choosing to live with the mother or fathers not bothering (in our case!) I don't know.

The main issue mothers post about on mumsnet after separations is lack of money and getting any out of a lot of these men is like drawing blood from a stone so often the best practical advice is give up on the man and just go out there and earn some.

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 13-Sep-17 08:59:44

Get a job after residency is sorted not before.

Every situation is different. A lot of unmarried couples own their home jointly. So everything is split 50/50 or the man doesn't want full time responsibility for the dc and only wants EOW and a couple of weeks holiday.
As a full time mum and having a dc from a previous relationship there is an argument that it would not be in the dcs interest to be split up.

Nomoresunshine Wed 13-Sep-17 09:03:15

Unfortunately Quartz is quite wrong. As a 'child of the family' your older dc will be likely included in any contact he gets with the younger ones.
Took me 4 years to keep exh from seeing MY other dc. .
Seek advice ASAP.

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