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Legal matters

Breaching of court order

83 replies

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 11:43

Hi everyone, Long time lurker first time poster.

I'm a bit stuck and have no idea what to do next. My story is a long one, but I will shorten it as best I can - any ideas on what to do are much appreciated.

8 years ago, after a very difficult and troubled relationship the father and I broke up. The break up was very bitter due to infidelity on my part, I was desperate for comfort after years of controlling and coercive behaviour. Ultimately I had a few problems when I left, around trust and confidence, so I wanted to get myself together before resuming contact with my child - who was 3 at the time.

There was a lot of hostility and bitterness on his part and maybe I didn't handle the situation as best I could. Having to start my life all over again, and still very fragile I was easily intimidated by him and his family. My work schedule was only released 1 week in advance and desperate for cash I couldn't change my shifts as I wouldn't have been able to support myself financially (or pay CSA), so occasionally I had to cancel or rearrange the visitation we'd agreed would be fortnightly. Eventually these broke down completely with wild accusations being thrown around on his part, it made visiting my child in a healthy environment and mindframe entirely impossible, so out of concern for my child and I withdrew from visitation until the situation calmed down.

I always tried stayed in contact with the Father and I sent presents and cards etc, but the intimidation and insults kept flying, so eventually contact with the Father became more sporadic. I wasn't being given any information about my child apart from 'they're ok' etc.

When my child turned 8 I started to get very frustrated and thought enough time had passed, maybe we could put everything behind us and work together for our child to know both parents - by this time the father has started a family with his new partner, so my child has half siblings, and has more than likely forgotten about me. I tried to be very civil with him, offering solutions to problems, trying to get more information about my child... nothing. More insults, more accusations, more intimidation. This went on for another 2 years.

I tried to attempt mediation with the father, but no he didn't want to do it. I had no choice left but to take him to court to get access. In the FHDRA he agreed that the child would meet me and it would be at a contact centre... great I thought. It never happened because they all thought the centre 'wasn't the right type of place' (based on my experience of him, to me this read - the father wouldn't be in control). So we went back for a final hearing and thrashed out a new order with the help of CAFCASS - after several attempts of his to muddy the water with things like - why aren't you paying CSA (I don't have an income of any kind - but that's another story). We managed to keep him on subject and he agreed to fortnightly visits in which I would travel a round trip of 600 miles to see our child, they would promote a healthy relationship between me and the child, and we would all listen to what the child wanted. For the initial meeting the step mother was to be present - all went well. Then in the intervening period after a few pleasant phonecalls with her (stepmother) backwards and forwards - things took a turn for the worse, with demands being thrown around that I would meet the step mother before my visitation with my child - I didn't think this was healthy as every other time the discussion always turned in to interrogation - not healthy before your visit with your estranged child.
After a whole week of instults and demands (all unreasonable on their part), the step mother shows up with her sister in law & my child, and in front of my child starts shouting questions at me. I managed to calm the situation down and protect my child from the worst of what was happening, but the two of the hung around hijacking my conversations and ruining the whole visit - at the end, both of them jumped up and infront of my child begin shouting at me, demandign I answer the questions they say the child is asking - questions about things that children just shouldn't know about - demanding answers to things like CSA payments and why my birthday present 'just wasn't good enough' etc. The sister in law started shouting at me and eventually snatched my child away, leaving the step mother hurling abuse at me infront of other people.

I apologised to everyone when they all left and asked the shop manager if they could be a witness for me. But I just don't know what to do now.

Please help

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 26/06/2017 11:45

Why aren't you paying CSA? And why has it taken 8 years for you to attempt contact?

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 11:49

The whole CSA thing is a very very long story, and it's one I don't really want to post all about on here - at the end of the day with the whole CSA thing I physically cannot pay it as i have no income of any kind.

It hasn't taken 8 years to attempt contact - it's all in the post, I have attempted contact on many many occasions over the years.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheMombie · 26/06/2017 11:51

How do you live if you have no income? Hmm

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 11:53

Long, long story, but totally seperate to the breaching of the court order

OP posts:
DawnOfTheMombie · 26/06/2017 11:57

I don't think it is, actually. I think it demonstrates a lack of commitment to the child. If you can afford court orders why can't you afford child support?

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 11:58

There is no law that prevents contact between parents and child based on income, or lack thereof.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 26/06/2017 11:59

I agree with pp, how can you live with no income? Doesn't make any sense and how long a story can it be? I would also question why it took you so long to see your child. 8 years?!

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 11:59

I more concerned about the fact people are shouting abuse infront of the child...

OP posts:
Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:02

And i've already said in the OP and again, I have repeatedly attempted to gain access, I didn't want to go court, I tried to be reasonable with the father to come to an agreement on visitation outside of court but the intimidation kept flying - it's very difficult to face up to someone whilst they're intimidation you and abusing you at every turn... this takes its toll on your confidence and self belief.

With respect, if you haven't been in that situation you won't know how long it takes to get your confidence back after someone has been chipping away at it for the best part of a decade!

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 26/06/2017 12:04

I agree that CSA and contact are separate - but you must be living on something, and to pay a token amount would show a level of cooperation and that you at least recognize that they are fully financially supporting your child. I would be interested to hear the other side of this tbh.

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:08

It wouldn't matter how much I paid, when I used to pay I was always told it wasn't enough - even though I was paying what the CSA worked out based on my not very big wages.

I'm not trying to spell out the whole arguement here, and said in my OP i would shorten it a bit.

The point is, what to do about them breaching the order on several counts. and putting the child in a very unreasonable and inappropriate position. I'm shocked that people are fixated on money rather than the wellbeing of an innocent child whose relation with their mother has been sabotaged at every single turn.

OP posts:
feathermucker · 26/06/2017 12:12

Why did it take so long for you to go to court and why are you living so far away?!

Perhaps, and I'm not excusing it, there's a lot of bitterness on the part of the stepmother and she's angry at you.

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:13

Maybe so, but it is still not ok to behave the way she has in front of an innocent child.

OP posts:
abbsisspartacus · 26/06/2017 12:14

They sound rude and abusive

abbsisspartacus · 26/06/2017 12:14

Go back to court

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:14

It's a healthier environment for me where I live now - again, I don't want to explain in the ins and outs of every decision to a granular level.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2017 12:17

So would I Vim.

OP, what do you want to happen now? The SM shouting at you isn't related to the court order is it? Did the most recent agreement include anything about a trial period?

How do you think your child feels about spending time with you? They haven't breached the order if you've been seeing your child, have they? Or are they threatening to, is that what you're worried about?

Have you considered the fact that if you have money for presents and travelling 600 miles your ex and his partner may be wondering why you can afford that but not a regular contribution to your child's living costs?

DawnOfTheMombie · 26/06/2017 12:20

Better for you but is it better for your child? You sound incredibly selfish and I'm not surprised there is anger towards you. Obviously that should be happening around your child but you don't seem very committed to him. I wouldn't be impressed if my ex rolled up in 8 years demanding access and banging about the child's rights to have a relationship with NRP whilst not fulfilling any of their parental responsibilities.

DawnOfTheMombie · 26/06/2017 12:20

Should not be^

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/06/2017 12:21

How are you saying they've breached it? And your OP said you weren't paying CSA as you couldn't afford it.

It's not directly related to your right to contact, but it is relevant to how your ex and his partner feel about you. What do you suppose would have happened to your child if they just didn't get round to having any money to feed and clothe them? You've abdicated all responsibility and seem to think sending the occasional gift is going to make up for abandoning your kid.

PerfectPenquins · 26/06/2017 12:24

You will have to go back to court- if the step mum is going to make it a hostile environment then its not suitable for her to be there you will have to push for a contact centre so there is witnesses. Keep trying to see your child and as soon as your earning start paying for them

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:25

I have considered those things - and I'm aware of how it looks. But it is in no way simple, and it would require more details than I feel comfortable sharing on the internet.

But the important thing here is the child - we must all bear that in mind over all else.

The order stated the SM be present on the first visit only, then visitation can progress at a rate the child is happy with - the order states that we all act in the best interests of the child.

It also states that they will promote and encourage a healthy relationship between me and the child.

The order goes on to state that no inappropraite contact shall take place between I or the father.

The order state I have visitation every fortnight for a max 2 hours (but can extend at the request of the child - we have to start somewhere). with 15 mins left of our alloted time is when the shouting starts - not to mention what happened when they showed up - shouting at me directly in front of the child.

When I managed to get a few private conversations with the child, the child stated that she had no questions, but that they talk about me at home - although I could see the child did not want to tell me what was said, so left it. The child is happy to see me again in a fortnight, but my concern is that this abuse and intimidation is seriously going to affect the development of a meaningful relationship between us.

OP posts:

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Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:28

Plus they also threatened that they would withdraw visitation entirely if I did not do as they wanted - I have the emails and texts to prove it

OP posts:
Collaborate · 26/06/2017 12:30

OP - I'm sorry you've had the above response to your thread. I had to check whether I was on AIBU by mistake. You are looking for legal advice, not a bun fight.

You need to keep on taking it back to court. Have a look at this, that will help you understand what you need to do. You need to be asking the judge to enforce the order.
www.familylaw.co.uk/system/uploads/attachments/0000/2082/cb5.pdf

Extremophile · 26/06/2017 12:32

Thank you Collaborate.

I wasn't sure if there was another way to go about this, but having googled lots of things, that appears the best option.

OP posts:
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