Finance in marriage

[user1487757571]

Issues relating to finance division in marriage/divorce

[user1487757571]

My husband and I both have full time jobs and are both paid relatively well but he earns almost 2 x what I earn. However, living in London means that our bills are quite high. Nevertheless, jointly we have enough to sustain our new baby well enough - however, my husband doesnt see it that way.

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and the subject of pregnancy and child expenses has been raised several times with no conclusion. I don't have paid maternity leave but spoke to him and we decided that I will take 6 months off, where statutory leave will cover 2 months and the remaining 4 months. I agreed to save for, to cover my expenses (which are large). Furthermore, I have been paying a hefty private medical insurance on my own for 3 years to cover private maternity care. Unfortunately, it covers the obstretrician and most scans but is short of £6000 for the hospital stay. There's the general scans, blood tests and obviously child related costs (buggy, car seat, clothing, nursing etc) which are not covered either.

Basically, my husband, since the beginning of this planned pregnancy, expects me to cover all the above costs on my own. Whenever, I bring this up, he challenges to say to look at our expenses retrospectively (where we went out ALOT and holidayed loads) but our lifestyle has changed dramatically since I am pregnant. He has been completely unsupportive in the pregnancy, not reading any books, no planning with lists of stuff we need, doesn't care about the aftermath (we have no family here) so expects me to just get on with it both financially and with no support. I will be on my own after the baby is born even if I have a c-section. I find this incredibly unfair and have often said having a baby is not my responsibility - we made a joint decision to have a child - but he avoids the topic.

He works late (till after 10 pm) on 2-3 days per week for the last couple months. I can see that the physical support I will get from him will be minimal. When he sees me crying and upset, he does nothing. Theres no sensitivity to my emotions or the stress I am experiencing. I don't have the money to cover these costs - I had agreed that I will save to cover my unpaid maternity leave but he should cover the remaining costs (as it is still less than half the unpaid maternity leave costs) and is only fair. I see that he misses all the freedom he had being single but this is no way to behave. I feel so unsupported that I now believe, even if I am poorer on my own, I would have less stress and am better off alone.

Any advice on this type of predicament?

[NotISaidTheWalrus]

Why are you focusing on money when it is clear you have much bigger problems?
Go public and save your money for your divorce, you are going to be needing one very soon. He doesn't care about you or your child.

[MooseBeTimeForSnow]

Are you actually divorcing? Have you spoken to a lawyer? If proceedings are ongoing you should consider an application for maintenance pending suit.

You are not going to be able to maintain the exact same standard of living post-divorce. Yes, your husband will be obliged to pay child maintenance and possibly spousal maintenance. But you are both going to have to cut your cloth accordingly. Private childbirth may have to go out of the window. What's wrong with the NHS?

[user1487757571]

Thanks for the advice.

Nothing wrong with the NHS per se but I have always had private healthcare, as the care is more regular throughout the pregnancy with one obstetrician, and affordability was never an issue when we considered the costs. It's just that he doesn't want to pay for it, even though he can absolutely easily afford it. But agree, I might have to opt for NHS if we split.

We haven't filed for a divorce nor discussed it yet. It's a feeling I am having as its not fair to raise a child with someone who takes no accountability or responsibility for being a father whatsoever in terms or costs or care plus is unavailable. I wondered if anyone else was in this predicament and had advice about it

[JustMyLuckUnfortunately]

OP this man does not sound like he cares for you or the baby. I would recommend you get legal advice and begin separation proceedings.

I would also recommend you use the NHS to deliver your baby.

Best of luck to you

[user1487757571]

Thanks for the responses and advice. We had a chat yesterday where his entire logic is completely incoherent and irrational. Basically he threatened that if we divorce, he has nothing to do with me nor the child. Explains the stance he is taking now, he's not invested in us at all.

Been an utterly miserable pregnancy throughout. He's been prioritising his best friend and godson (who live abroad) over his me and his own unborn child in terms of visits and time, threatening me to leave, there was an episode of minor physical harm. It's all been so stressful especially as I am completely on my own with no family here. He doesn't care about the repercussions to the pregnancy or what stress does to a babies development. Thank goodness the babies development has been okay so far and all scans have been fine but I can't take these mind games any longer.

[Sisterland]

Sounds like your husband may be having some sort of crisis reaction or depression? If this is unexpected behaviour? Maybe try and go to counselling and see if that changes anything, otherwise it does sound like you're better off to be truly on your own than on your own with him just lurking around.

[JustMyLuckUnfortunately]

OP so saddened by your update but at least you know the measure of him now.

Your baby is far better to have one adoring parent than two where one is a let down

[Hoppinggreen]

"An episode of minor physical harm"
That is abuse,he is physically and emotionally abusive and you need to get away from him as soon as possible
Finances are the least of your problems in this relationship

[CouldntMakeThisShitUp]

Basically, my husband, since the beginning of this planned pregnancy, expects me to cover all the above costs on my own

If it was planned then surely these issues would have been dealt with earlier?

I suggest you start preparing to be a lone parent - because that's exactly what you will be whether you remain married to him or not.

[JanetBrown2015]

We keep getting a lot of these very well written long posts on MN with very interesting topics which I suspect may all be the same person but that doesn't matter as we like discussing them.

Your answer is do as I did - NHS care - stuff the £6k - and be back at work full time 2 weeks after the babies come then your problem is solved and go out and out earn your man - I earned 10x what he did. YOu are just as good as he is. Make sure he does the collections from nursery on 2 or 3 nights a week too so no career sacrifice on your part and hire the nanny or find the nursery before you go into labour so it's all set up and he should also choose that with you - childcare is as much a man's issue as a woman's.

[erinaceus]

there was an episode of minor physical harm.

Please speak to a solicitor about where to go from here. Are you and the baby safe at the moment? NHS care my be frightening to you if it is an unknown but it is in general a safe option and in my opinion the care you get is better - I have no experiences of maternity care though. However that is a topic for another thread.

Take care of yourself OP.