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Help. Sisters ex wants contact.

(13 Posts)
RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 20-Mar-17 14:57:27

Long story, apologies in advance. My sister was in an emotionally and possibly physically abusive relationship with this bloke (F). In June march? Last year she managed to persuade him they needed a break so left him for 5/6 months. In that time She had a 2 month 'relationship' with one of her friends (G)( they had a bit of a thing before F came along) then F came crawling back around September making promises etc saying all that kind of guff to get her back. Sister agreed for whatever reason, then a few days into the relationship they DTD and then at the start of December she found out she was upduffed (contraception failure) and refused to get an abortion. Throughout the pregnancy sister assumed baby was Fs, and She stayed with F until baby was 6 weeks old. He isn't on the birth certificate and social services who were involved because sister had been in care and is young mum didn't have a problem with that. Anyway, she kicked him out because he was beginning to threaten her and got physical twice. (resulting in police attendance) After the break up we worked her dates out and there's a gap of 4/5 days between her being with F and G. We haven't mentioned anything to F because he'd go mental and he lives round the corner from her. since they broke up, F's asked to see baby a handful of times (she's now almost 8 months old) and on a couple of occasions hasn't shown up anyway. On Saturday Sister and I went for a meal and she went to see G as he lives round the corner. Dm had baby so sister and G went back to hers because he's in a shared flat and flat mate doesn't like visitors. After being at hers for half an hour, F shows up, heard G talking and tried to break into the house while saying he was going to kill them both. Sister and G ran inside and locked the doors but sister left her phone outside in the porch so had to go get that. (No house phone and G's phone was at his) By this time F had climbed over the porch and gone through the back door, forced his way past sister gone into the house and attacked G. Police and ambulance were called by the neighbor. Then today, she got a phone call from social services saying F wanted access 3 days a week and when sister protested they said baby is his child (they're aware she might not be) so there's basically naff all we can do to stop it. Sorry this is so long and might not make sense (my phones dying) but I just wanted advice to see if there was anything we can do. Even if baby is Fs child we don't want him being around her because he's a truly horrible person. If you made it to the end then thanks sad

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 20-Mar-17 15:00:29

Jan/march* not June

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Mar-17 16:10:04

What is the nature of SS's involvement? Is there a care or supervision order? Is the child subject to a child protection plan? Is the child a child in need?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 Mon 20-Mar-17 16:12:07

Firstly get dna testing. . .

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 20-Mar-17 18:43:15

bibby ss were involved because sister was a care leaver and a young mum, can't remember if baby was classed as a child in need or not, it was mentioned but not sure if it actually went through if you get me? Sister wants to do a DNA test with G without F knowing because he 'jokingly' said if baby wasn't his he'd kill her and sister... the only way ss will help do a DNA test is by getting F involved. As she lives a 2 minute walk away from him and dm lives a 10 minute walk from him we don't feel it'd be safe for her. But we're all skint so saving up to get one by ourselves would take a while even collectively

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 20-Mar-17 18:44:27

Sister can't really stay here until it's sorted either as there's me, ds, my partner and a cat in a tiny 2 bed terraced house already

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 20-Mar-17 18:51:40

Social services can't tell her what access arrangement she and her ex are going to have (unless they're saying he has to stay away) that's for the family courts to decide. He needs to apply to the courts for access and I would urge your sister to completely ignore him until there's an official order in place.

Was it definitely social services that called her - it seems odd that they would tell her what contact should be when a) her ex has just assaulted her which is a safeguarding issue - what if her DD had been there? b) he's not on the bc so technically has no legal rights to see the child. Maybe call the office to make sure that it was an official call and not just one of her exs mates.

RoystonVaseySmegHead Mon 20-Mar-17 19:04:00

She has unfortunately, was definitely from social services. There's already been a letter through a few months ago but sister rang the number and said he isn't on the certificate so they said they'd put a note on and to ignore anything that came unless she heard otherwise from social services. I'll find out exactly what's happeniing tomorrow when I see her, I just got a garbled tearful half a story on the phone today... she's so upset by it it's awfulsad I hoped they'd lock him up for what happened on Saturday but she hasn't heard anything back about it, I said I wondered if they were going to phone Friday but didn't then rang today and didn't know anything about what happened on Saturday?

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Mar-17 19:19:40

She needs to get a solicitor. The violence should mean she can get legal aid. Then she can sort out dna testing and the rest.

Get her to phone a legal aid firm tomorrow.

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Mar-17 19:20:48

In the mean time SS have no more right than the check out staff in Trescothick to dictate contact. FFS.

MrsBertBibby Mon 20-Mar-17 19:21:46

Tesco. Not Trescothick. Or Testosterone, thank you bloody Samsung.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 Mon 20-Mar-17 19:35:49

If they're not even aware that he has been arrested then they aren't in full possession of the facts and are even more in the wrong for pressuring your sis to allow contact.

MrsBertBibby is spot on. About both legal aid and social services. Get your sis to call her HV tomorrow and explain what's happened at the weekend and what SS are saying. My HV was awesome and referred me to women's aid who got me a solicitor the same day.

StewieGMum Mon 20-Mar-17 19:39:41

Your sister needs specialist support from Women's Aid or Rights of Women.

There is NO reason for a man who has threatened to kill her to be given contact. She needs to report the death threats to the police and start keeping a diary of all contact. Considering his threats, I would be phoning the local Women's Aid with a view to your sister being given a space in a refuge. A man with this level of violent history is a high risk perpetrator. Right now you need to get your sister safe.

And, no, SS cannot dictate contact without a court order in place. The very last thing they should be doing is encouraging a child to be in contact with a violent man.

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