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Can my ex get joint custody of our 1 year old?

(20 Posts)
GiantChocButtons06 Wed 15-Mar-17 22:22:05

can my ex get joint custody of our daughter who is 1?

I have offered him saturday night stays until 6pm Sunday. And also 1 day during the week 10-2.

We've been going through a messy break up. It's taken me a long time to walk away from this relationship. My ex has been emotionally absuive and violent towards me.

I also have a 3 year old who thinks that my ex is her dad too, he has raised her as his own from 7months old. He no longer wants to be a part of her life now we are not together.

Surely he will not be granted joint custody of my 1 year old. This could have a huge impact on my 3 year old, she's already so confused when her sister goes on a sat night/Sunday. This would be so disruptive for her. I want my youngest daughter to have as much contact with her father as he is a good dad but I have my 3 year old to think about.

Also The father lives with his mother, there isn't a spare room for our daughter, she sleeps in a travel cot in his bedroom.

RedHelenB Thu 16-Mar-17 12:09:32

Travel cot is fine for the time being.

Does your 3 year old not see her father?

PotteringAlong Thu 16-Mar-17 12:13:50

why can't he get joint custody? A travel cot is fine. It's about what's best for the 1 year old.

xStefx Thu 16-Mar-17 12:17:03

No I don't think so at 1. Not unless its agreed by you. Such a young child being involved - they would give both parental responsibility but residency with you. The amount of time you have suggested is fine and would probably be granted.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Thu 16-Mar-17 12:17:03

I'm afraid the courts won't take siblings into consideration, they will look at what is best to your child together so yes, they may well grant joint custody or they may implement every other weekend with a weekday overnight too.

PennysUnicornHoodie Thu 16-Mar-17 12:18:41

I may be wrong as I'm not of any legal background so I'm happy to be corrected, but my (family law) solicitor told me that shared care (50/50) custody is usually more of a last resort for parents who just won't agree than first instance as it's much more unsettling to the children.

I think you need to tell him to go through a legal mediation route (court even, as a last resort) to be honest messy break ups with children can just keep dragging on.
I know in some circumstances mediation is free.

I think you need to enter into mediation prepared as well, do your research gets reports / research / guidance on what access is best and why. Get information on how unsettling it is to split siblings up for 50% of the time, write down a diary of all the abuse / violence and take it all with you.

Good luck

PennysUnicornHoodie Thu 16-Mar-17 12:23:12

why can't he get joint custody?

I wouldn't want shared custody when the other parent is violent and emotionally abusive, especially when the child is question is 1 years old and won't be able to vocalise how they are spending their time and whether their dad is shouting at them, would you?

PotteringAlong Thu 16-Mar-17 12:25:55

No, but unless there is a paper trail of recording the violence (police reports, social services reports etc) then legally I don't think there is a reason he won't.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Thu 16-Mar-17 12:26:18

The system sucks. A man who has history of being emotionally/physically abusive should be fucking forced to, at, the very least, attend counselling /parenting courses. But no. Fathers. Have. Rights. No matter how much of a cunt they've been. Makes me so angry. Perhaps we should set up Mothers For Justice.

WannaBe Thu 16-Mar-17 12:29:08

The honest answer is yes he could. But that doesn't necessarily mean that he will. And even if he doesn't now you will need to be prepared for the fact that his access arrangements will likely change as the child grows up. One night in the week and one over the weekend may be fine while she's a baby, but as she gets older she will have the right to an equal relationship with both parents.

But i second going to mediation rather than asking on here necessarily as every case is different.

Re your other DD however, unfortunately this is the drawback of allowing a man into a child's life and allowing that child to view them as a parent at a time when they are still too young to understand. She's unfortunately going to have to learn the hard way now that her daddy isn't in fact her daddy. Where is her real father incidentally?

WannaBe Thu 16-Mar-17 12:30:41

No, it's not fathers who have rights, it's children.

ComtesseDeSpair Thu 16-Mar-17 12:31:16

I think you'd be justified in opposing 50/50 at this stage, but because of DC2's young age, that she is (presumably) very attached to you as her principal carer, and the impact you believe it would have on her bond with DC1 at this stage to spend long periods of time apart from each other. Something closer to 50/50 can be negotiated as she gets older

The other stuff is irrelevant. Yes, it seems particularly cruel that your ex wants to abandon a small child he was previously happy to raise as his own, but ultimately it's not your ex's fault or your DC2's fault that DC1's father is out of the picture, and whilst I agree it's a cruel thing for your ex to do, his contact with his biological child shouldn't be limited because you're going to find it hard to explain the new situation to a child which isn't his.

Can you look at this a different way? You have a three-year-old who presumably has little or no relationship with her biological father and this seems to sadden you: surely you want something different for your other child who has a man you describe yourself as a good father who actively wants a relationship?

brillopants Thu 16-Mar-17 12:34:03

There's new legislation come in, after a campaign by women's aid, where the idea of contact at any cost has been withdrawn if domestic abuse can be proved. It's an amendment to 12J . It also stops the perpetrator cross examining the victim in family court if he self represents.
If you haven't left a trail, get in touch with your Gp and women's aid and other agencies, get it recorded.

SoupDragon Thu 16-Mar-17 12:39:17

...but I have my 3 year old to think about.

You spin it to her as time for just you and her to be together and do fun stuff.

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess Thu 16-Mar-17 12:43:42

Yeah, because children NEED a role model in their life who is physically /emotionally abusive. #Logic

Marmalade85 Thu 16-Mar-17 13:05:31

Brillopants is the amendment now in force? I'm due a fact finding hearing regarding DV and a non-molestation order. Can I still be cross-examined by my ex? Thank you

MrsBertBibby Thu 16-Mar-17 14:43:40

Here is the current practice direction.

MrsBertBibby Thu 16-Mar-17 14:45:14

The changes about cross examination require a new Act so that's years away yet.

GiantChocButtons06 Thu 16-Mar-17 16:32:58

Hi thanks for all your advice. I have reported 2 domestic violence incidents to the police last year. and social services have been involved this year but as we are no longer together they can't do anything as he refuses to speak to them. I have had some sort of risk assesmebt so wcshixh came back as medium risk and have been offered further help for DV but I didn't accept as we are not getting back together and I won't be at risk. I can change my mind at any point tho.

I have always said to my ex partner that I'm happy to increase his contact as she gets older to every other weekend from fri night to Sunday. I haven't been unreasonable with contact at all.

GiantChocButtons06 Thu 16-Mar-17 16:36:04

Sorry for typo errors. Was typing too quickly

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