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Deciding who will be primary guardian/carer?

(5 Posts)
JHmummy Fri 03-Feb-17 15:13:34

Hello everyone,
I hope I've posted this in the correct section. Sorry for the long post.

Basically for some time myself and my husband have been talking about doing a joint will in the circumstance that we both pass. We have a two year old, and I am currently pregnant.
We cannot seem to decide who we want the primary guardian/carer to be. It isn't any rush, as we haven't yet got any legal companies involved. These are our options..

-my mum: she works part time, awkward hours, and I do not agree with her parenting. On benefits, and struggles a lot with money. I was never shown affection or love from her as a child. My childhood wasn't great, for a variety of reasons.
-husbands mum: works full time, has a stick up her most of the time, can tell my son is her least favourite grandchild by how she treats him, constantly diagnosing every child she knows with additional needs.
-my sister: works full time, hypochondriac, makes poor life decisions, drives stupid even when my son is in the car with her, irresponsible.
-husbands sister: works full time, mixed and unpredictable shifts, palms her son onto her mum, smokes and drinks around her son, irresponsible with money, in serious debt.

No one else is an option. I feel like we are being too picky, but we also want the best for our son. Of course we have a way we'd like to raise our children, and they will not raise them how we'd like to. I understand their safety is the most important but facts such as feeling loved, and valuable are important to me. Not being put in nursery full time, and not feeling like an inconvenience is important to me. I feel like none of the options would do that. I cannot picture who he would be more suited with, or who would make him the happiest. Obviously any of these people would be better than care! But I just don't know how we can make our decision. I have anxiety which also makes this decision harder for me!

How did you make your decision if you have already done so?

Thank you x

HelenDenver Fri 03-Feb-17 15:17:33

First of all, it is very unlikely this will come to pass, that you are both dead and your children live.

Secondly, would all the people listed actually want this?

Thirdly, there may be a way to appoint a third party at the time to make the best decision which might e.g. Depend on maintaining schooling.

HelenDenver Fri 03-Feb-17 15:18:39

And you may want to consider life insurance - could pay out on second death only - to help support them and take away some of the concerns.

HelenDenver Fri 03-Feb-17 15:21:05

When we did it, we chose the sibling that had children at that point as parents couldn't realistically do another 18 years of child rearing.

We may revisit now all siblings have kids and consider the least disruption to schooling.

JHmummy Fri 03-Feb-17 16:11:39

Thanks for you reply HelenDenver. That makes much more sense. My brother absolutely adores my son, but he is in no position to step up and look after a child. He's 19, still living at home, and doesn't work. However I do hope that with a bit of growing up he could step up to be the carer my son would need. Perhaps a third party making the decision should be the choice for now, and we can review it and decide if my brother is suitable at that stage. I know it's rare that we could both pass at the same time, but I'd hate to think of my son not having a plan in place for him for his best interests. I think all the options listed above would agree to take him, not 100% on my mother in law but my husband seems to think she'd be happy with taking him. Think life insurance is definanlty a good idea. Thank you again x

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