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changing times with DD - then changing back again

(11 Posts)
StartedAfresh Mon 09-Jan-17 15:07:39

Brief background - DD is with dad every other weekend
She has some music exams next weekend which is his weekend
Court order says I can collect and return her but when I told him about it he said not to bring her back after the 1st one (she is doing 2) so we agreed to an extra visit mid week
Now he's said he's changed his mind and threaten me with breach order if I don't give him all he demands (extra time all over the place)
I have it in writing that he said I could keep her this night - where do I stand?
He is a narc and thinks he wants to still control me - he does stuff like this all the time and normally I give in but just fed up now I think I need to make a stand but don't want to get into trouble
Any advice???

TwitterQueen1 Mon 09-Jan-17 15:11:46

How old is your DD? Can she make her own decisions?

StartedAfresh Mon 09-Jan-17 15:13:27

She is 12 - she has said she wants to stay with me on that night but he is threatening court, police etc so naturally she's worried and I don't want to put anymore stress on her as already she is nervous with the exam

titchy Mon 09-Jan-17 15:40:56

Tell him to go ahead and take you back to court. Your agreement allows for you to pick her up, which you arranged, and you had both agreed an alternative night to compensate.

No court is going to think you acted unreasonably or demand that she miss her music exams because he's being an arse.

TwitterQueen1 Mon 09-Jan-17 15:43:59

Aside from that fact that he's clearly a dick as well as an arse and a narc...

At 12, your DD is able (and should be supported / encouraged) to make her own decisions on things like this. Don't enter into any additional correspondence with your exH. Just say that this is what has been agreed and this is what DD will do.

He has absolutely no grounds whatsoever to threaten you with the courts... that's just nonsense.

StartedAfresh Mon 09-Jan-17 15:57:48

thank you!
Its a standard threat and normally scares me hence why I always give in to his demands but now I've decided he cant control me anymore! Wouldn't mind but he spoke to DD and said it would be better for her to just stay with me
If he hadn't said it in the first place I would have arranged drop off and collection but think all the inconvenience it would cause him he just cant be bothered with so just said to keep her (making out he was doing me a favour)
Now he isn't getting everything his own way he is throwing toys out of pram and demanding it goes back to the order to the letter - this has been agreed for well over a month
suppose I am just glad I have it in writing in case he does take it further

Ilovecaindingle Mon 09-Jan-17 16:01:14

Write all the dates and times of his abusive rants down. .
Keep a log of any changes in your dds behaviour that may be a direct result of his attitude and when she has been with him - any negative comments she hears about you need to be logged too.

everythingis Mon 09-Jan-17 16:46:19

Let him threaten. It isn't a breach and a solicitor will advise him. Having had issues with my dc contact order I know you can't get a breach of order over one incident. Secondly to vary the order is quite difficult and you have to go to mediation.
Don't be bullied because he threatens you. Also police won't just turn up and abduct your child they will at most do a welfare check and refer you back to your solicitor.

cx5221 Mon 09-Jan-17 17:09:16

Let him threaten it. Just tell him if he wants to pay a few hundred quid to take you to court, which will take a few months as he will have to collect, fill in and file paperwork and be assigned a hearing.
Just so he can tell a judge that he agreed to let you keep dd one weekend then changed his mind tell him to go for it.
I'm sure the judge will completely love having his time wasted like that and be really sympathetic towards him, not!

My sisters ex partner pulled shit like this all the time he kept taking her back to court saying she was breaching the court order and stopping contact (complete lie their dd missed one contact when she had an operation on his day and he wouldn't take the time off work to care for her at hospital. He wanted his mum to take the dd for her operation even though she couldn't consent etc and dd desperately wanted her mum there when she had an operation not granny bitchface so my sister refused)
But that wasnt the only occasion he took hr back for breach of contract 3 other times for literally no reason (well for no valid reason to any sane person anyway the 3 times it occurred paperwork was filied within two weeks of her getting a new boyfriend, getting married and having a baby)
The last time things went to court which coincidentally was the only time and the only time she did breach the court order (but only because their dd would have been denied an operation she needed through lack of consent if she hadn't) It took 7 weeks just to get to court then CAFCASS wanted to throw it straight out and they tried to mediate between them first, he refused.
3 weeks later they went before a judge, as this was the 5th time it had been brought back to court by ex p in 3 years the judge ruled the order was to stay as it was and the dp was not allowed to bring this back to court for 5 years.
If he tries then the judge has specified on the court order that he strongly believes the (shitbag) ex to be a Vexatious litigator (basically doing it for spite) and using the court to continue his emotional abuse of his ex partner.
After this he tried filing for breach of court order again in a completely different county but it was refused on no grounds for new hearing he has since gone quiet.

(I bloody love that judge)

everythingis Mon 09-Jan-17 18:57:28

Cx that was a brilliant post!

StartedAfresh Tue 10-Jan-17 08:50:42

Thank you so much!
I took your advice and said that arrangement will stay as agreed
He's not replied so think he will be plotting something but it felt so good to finally stand my ground and not give in to his demands
CX5221 - I can see this situation going the same way - dragged back to court for every little thing just because I left the relationship and am moving on with my life - I could do with the name of that judge! smile
Thank you all again for your advice

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