It's a bit of a long story so I'll try to keep it short. My ex has been trying to get me to let him have contact with our 3yo DS. He hasn't seen him since DS was 3 months old, when I left him because he was emotionally/ physically abusive. He told me over the phone that he has another child and that the child's mother has a court order stopping him from contacting her or the child. The thing is, he's a big liar/ manipulator and I'm not sure if he's telling the truth or trying to make me feel sorry for him (also not the sharpest tool in the shed). Is there any way I can check if there is actually a court order and if there is, which one it is? TIA
He likes people to feel sorry for him. He could be hoping that I'll think his other ex was cruel and unfair and feel guilty for keeping him from his DS.
He told me she got the order because he 'sent her a few too many texts'. So either he's downplaying the reason or he has no idea how these things work. Also he refused to tell me the name of the order which makes me suspicious.
Either way, I'm using it to my advantage and still not allowing contact. I suppose I'm more curious than anything.
I think you're right not to allow contact, and I can understand why you're curious. These abusive men mess with our heads!
The way I see it, there are two possibilities:
1. He is telling the truth, in which case he has a recent history of abuse (enough for a non-molestation order or restraining order) in which case you should not be allowing contact without a CAFCASS report which might give you more information.
2. He is lying, in which case he is deeply messed up and trying to emotionally abuse you, in which case you should not be allowing contact without a CAFCASS report which might give you more information.
It's a no-brainer really, but I'm sorry you're going through this.
It sounds like it's because he has been stopped from seeing one child that has decided to try and see the other. If this is the case, it's all about HIS emotional needs, and not about the needs of either child. Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the children, it's got nothing to do with the 'rights' of the parents. This doesn't sound good for any of the women and children involved in this situation
By the way, "sending a few too many texts" is exactly how my emotionally and physically abusive ex would describe how he got sentenced for his last breach of the non-molestation order. He still hasn't got the first clue about what he did, he refuses to go on a domestic violence programme, he feels completely justified, and he is incapable putting the needs of the children first. I have stopped all contact until he can be bothered to take me to court.
Thank you Green. Contact is definitely all about him, he doesn't care about DS and never has. He got in contact with me a few months ago and we decided to start with him sending letters, just as way to show me he's committed. He's sent one so far. He's only interested because he's got nothing else
Is a CAFCASS report something you can only get if you've been taken to court? I don't think he'd ever bother, it would be far too much effort for him.
I completely agree with everything you've said in your post. There's no way I'm allowing contact! What you said about your ex feeling justified in what he did is exactly the same mine. I don't think he believes that he can do wrong, I suppose that's pretty common amongst abusive men. I'm just glad he moved away after we split.
I wonder why you would bother? It's clear from your posts that dc won't benefit from seeing him - in fact the opposite. On top of that you say he won't go to court so surely the best thing to do is just keep out of the way & say no if he asks - or just put him off as you have been doing. Not a great way to live but surely best for dc? Even if you find out there is no Court order you don't want him to see dc so a bit of a waste of your time really imo
I think you're absolutely right lizzy, at this point curiosity is getting the better of me. I know he will never change and so finding if there is/isn't a court order wouldn't make any difference, I'd still want to keep him away regardless.