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moving away with my children

(30 Posts)
Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 11:30:56


Im divorced 2.5 years a go, and we have 3 children, 12, 11 and 7. we have court order in place for 50/50 residency. however from early this year my eldest decided she want to live with me permanently, and then my middle one decided to live with his dad. so just my youngest that still doing alternate week with us.

I have now in relationship and we are thinking to move in together. But he live in kent and im in Essex so we about 65 miles away. I know it will be straight forward with my eldest, but what should i do with my youngest? I'm not in speaking term with my ex? do I straight to mediation or apply for the court? And do i apply for school first?

Thank you

MrsBertBibby Tue 11-Oct-16 12:19:41

Why on earth doesn't your bloke move to Essex? Fighting your way through Dartford every weekend for contact will be beyond awful.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 12:47:07

He have his business over there. So he can't move.

NNChangeAgain Tue 11-Oct-16 12:54:09

It won't necessarily be straightforward for any of the DCs.

What are the current arrangements for contact between the two older DCs and each of their "non-resident" parents ?

How will that change?

What do the DCs think about it ?

What benefits are there to your DCs as a result of the move?

All court applications require evidence that mediation has been attempted, or is unsuitable - so you'll need to start by approaching a family mediation service and try and come to an agreement with your DCs dad about what is best for all the DCs.

MrsBertBibby Tue 11-Oct-16 13:03:12

Why is his business more important than your kids' relationships?

JaxyBear Tue 11-Oct-16 13:06:38

What MrsBert said.....

Somerville Tue 11-Oct-16 13:10:19

...And why is you livng with your boyfriend more important than your children living near their father and each other?

NNChangeAgain Tue 11-Oct-16 13:26:00

Come on, this is Legal, not AIBU, the OP asked for advice on the legal situation, not judgements about her choices.

MrsBertBibby Tue 11-Oct-16 13:46:42

I'm a family solicitor, and my advice is, don't do this to your kids. It's an awful thing to do to them. I've had families living half in Kent, half in Essex, and it is absolutely miserable for the kids even fortnightly, but your lot would need weekly contact so they see each other as well as both parents. And 65 miles means a lot of bloody awful roads, not just Dartford to fight through. The M20 during Operation Stack? The A21 while they widen it? The A2 getting past Bluewater at Christmas?

Dragging your kids out of schools (and dumping them in Kent's grammar system, too late for 11plus nonsense.)

Please think again. No boyfriend is worth this, especially if it's just his business he is prioritising.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 13:55:54

No, Bf isnt important than the children relationship with their father, and also its only 60 something miles away, and im happy to take them to see their dad every other weekend or anything as long as its not every day.
At the moment we only go to see my bf every weekend, either he come here or we go there. But since I pay maintenance to my ex husband (in result of me letting him have the children child benefit when we just divorced and bad solicitor advice, I'm now as a single parent finding it hard to pay the rent as well as maintenance, child care, and all the usual bills.
The children all on board with us moving away. Hence im seeking the advice.

WatchingFromTheWings Tue 11-Oct-16 14:01:11

If the court order states 50/50 I don't think you'll get away with changing it just because you've moved. You're not being very fair to any of the kids.

NNChangeAgain Tue 11-Oct-16 14:02:30

* its only 60 something miles away, and im happy to take them to see their dad every other weekend or anything as long as its not every day.*

60 miles is too far to be an active part of each other's day to day life. That will be important in court if you and your Ex currently do have that type of involvement.

Do you go to your NR DC school at all? Does your ex go along to parents evenings for the DC who is resident with you, for instance?

You haven't answered how often you see your NR DC, and how often your resident DC sees their dad. Any changes to this will be scrutinised by the Court - the status quo is retained unless there is good reason not to.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:08:40

I'm sorry i dont understand the sort term.. what is NR, DC?
the children that live with me refused to see her dad, and the one that live with him doesnt want to see me (so his dad said but i often see him after school and last time when he was with me he want to stay and when he rang his dad for permission his dad say no he have to come home), this is the reason why my daughter doesnt want to go to him, because he always bad mouth me and she fed up with it.
this whole thing isnt healthy anymore.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:10:21

oh and my ex never do anything for the kids school.. he never come to the school play (only to his partner children that go to the same school and to our mid child) but never to our first and youngest children.

Starlight2345 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:11:12

I can't talk about the logistics of childcare...From responses how far is that in car distance? Is there a middle point?

Also the child that is with you permanently you can write and change child benefit on that child as you are now main resident parent.

Can I also ask are all the siblings getting time together?

NNChangeAgain Tue 11-Oct-16 14:26:26

NR DC means the non-resident DC, that is, the one which doesn't live with you.

It's sounds like a complete mess, TBH, if the courts get involved, they will want to work towards a situation in which all the DCs have a relationship with both their parents.

If the only contact you have with your 11 year old is at school how will you see him if you move? When do your DCs spend time with each other?

MrsBertBibby Tue 11-Oct-16 14:31:59

None of those issues will be improved by you putting 65 miles of the most congested roads in the country between you and him, OP.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 14:47:15

If I have option to stay I will... but if I do I will be badly in debt for how long I don't know? And I will most likely be homeless too?
If I work more hours, I will have to pay more childcare, see my children lesser, and pay more maintenance to my ex.
I did try to talk to my ex to let me have my youngest CHB and he just laugh to my face. He knows I can't afford to live here anymore.

My eldest only see her brother at school.

Really the traveling only take 1 hour and 20 mins. If you lucky you will do it just over an hour.

Starlight2345 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:02:44

You don't need to discuss it with your ex..Get in touch with CHB and tell them child is now resident with you and you want the CHB transferring to you.

I do agree with the comments though..Do I think you have to stay where dad is no..However there seem to be an awful lot of issues that need resolving with the kids..How they keep there relationship..With the child that is 50/50 how will he see his Sibling at all if he moves which may mean he would also live with ex to stay in contact.

Iniminiminiem0 Tue 11-Oct-16 15:28:30

I tried and re applied it 3 times now but to them they can't give it to me as somebody else with the same responsibility already claim it and also because it's 50/50 shared care. I gave them the proof that I spend more for him his school and gp all addressed to me but they still say no

Starlight2345 Tue 11-Oct-16 18:44:18

I think you need some advice on all of this...

It all seems very messy.

For the kids and yourself

AndWhat Tue 11-Oct-16 18:54:48

If you are each a RP for 1 child and 50/50 for a third why are you paying maintenance?

Iniminiminiem0 Wed 12-Oct-16 07:33:39

I'm still with CSA. And that's how they work it out... can't wait until it moves to CMS

neonrainbow Wed 12-Oct-16 07:46:01

the dartford crossing is a nightmare and there's problems with travelling most weekends. It's always being closed for one reason or another. If you're struggling financially now then how are you going to cope with paying to facilitate all the travel?

NNChangeAgain Wed 12-Oct-16 08:10:12

I'm still with CSA. And that's how they work it out

Yes, that's true. He will be considered the resident parent for the DC who has 50:50 if he's receiving the child benefit, so you'll be liable for child maintenance for your youngest and middle child.

You should be getting Child Benefit and maintenance for your oldest who lives with you though.

I do think that a court will be very concerned about the lack of context between your DCs and their siblings, and with their non-resident parents. Children of 10/11 who refuse to see a parent usually have a reason, and that needs to be understood in order to ensure they remain safe.

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