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Husband has involved social services. What happens next?

(6 Posts)
Arggghhhh Sat 17-Sep-16 22:01:49

My husband has just started talking therapy, supposedly it was meant to be to seek help for narcissistic traits and adult ADD, diagnosed a couple of years ago, but after his initial screening session i got home after a week away to find a piece of paper on my bedside table - unfolded it to see what it was, and the words 'domestic abuse refuge' and 'child social services' leapt out at me. Asked him about it and he said that after his screening the person he'd spoken to had contacted child social services because she was concerned about our 4 year old daughter's welfare... and he'd been called by SS shortly afterwards. It seems my husband had said we'd argued in front of our daughter (which at times, largely in the past, we have done, much to our shame). He did not choose to share this information with me for some unfathomable reason, even though i am her mother and it directly involves her welfare, and he admitted that if i hadnt seen the bit of paper he probably wouldn't have told me, thus setting up a situation whereby the first i would've heard about social services' involvement would have been when they actually came knocking on the door. Im also concerned that there was lots of stuff scribbled down about potential therapy options for him but nothing related to narcissism or ADD; it was all stuff about domestic abuse and cbt for low mood and anxiety - he has at numerous times in the past accused me of abusing him emotionally, and while at times i have in anger said extremely hurtful (albeit true) things that I'm not proud of, in private he has (begrudgingly) conceded that he is responsible for the majority of our problems and done some truly shameful things, that i lash out in response to unacceptable behaviour on his part (not that this justifies it, i know) and that he needs to address his narcissistic leanings. But it seems like now he's trying to depict me as an abusive monster and himself as a victim and terrifyingly as a result social services are now involved. My question is, what happens now? My daughter and i are currently based at my mum's in another town (husband and i are meant to be relocating there but hadn't found a house by the time my daughter had to start school so good old nanna to the rescue). Will someone just show up at her house (it appears he's given them her address) and start asking questions? Will they contact her new school? Will they want to interview my daughter? Wont that be distressing for someone so young and going through lots of upheaval? Away from home, new town, new school, etc. I'm terrified by all these stories you hear of overly zealous social workers and I'm also increasingly concerned that my husband is trying to set me up, although even as i write that i realise how paranoid and borderline crazy it sounds. I can't speak to him im so angry and have had to stay away from him and my daughter all day so that my anger at him doesn't ruin her weekend back home before we head back to my mum's tomorrow. i just dont know what to do or think. Any advice or info about SS involvement and what to expect/how best to protect my daughter, and myself, would be much appreciated.

hesterton Sat 17-Sep-16 22:05:31

It's not clear why social services are becoming involved because you have argued in front of your child. Surely that would be 50 per cent or more of all families?

Has there been violence or extreme verbal abuse?

I think with regards to social services, you just need to be honest. I'm sure you want what's best for your daughter whatever happens.

MephistoMarley Sat 17-Sep-16 22:08:26

He must have said more than the fact that you argued in front of her.
To be honest, I wonder why you're still with him? It can't be good for your daughter to live with a narcissist who does terrible things.
Social workers won't yank her away from you but they will want to know that she isn't being exposed to the vagaries of a mentally unwell father and emotionally abusive mother. Talking to the social worker about your experiences with him and reassuring them that you plan to separate would be helpful. It's really unusual for a decent loving husband to accuse his wife of DA (if in fact there is no DA)

Arggghhhh Sat 17-Sep-16 22:14:39

Im not sure what he's told them exactly. There hasn't been any violence or threat of violence, from either side, and he did say he'd told them that. We have had some blazing rows in the past though and i don't know how he's described that. I too thought it very odd that SS would be involved - I get that it can be damaging if arguing in front of a child is an ongoing thing but it's not like that. That's what's making me question how my husband has framed what he's said and also why he wouldn't tell me that SS were involved.

GreenAndYellow Sat 17-Sep-16 23:02:00

You are in a bit of a pickle here, and you are lucky that you have already realised that your husband is a man who has narcissistic traits.

He has most likely painted you as a complete nutter who is emotionally abusive to him and the children.

I have some (sad) experience of this. Most social workers are not stupid, they will see what is going on here.

Please call Women's Aid as soon as you can - they have lots of experience in dealing with men who make unfounded allegations to social services.

Be honest with

GreenAndYellow Sat 17-Sep-16 23:08:22

Oops, child on my knees posted too soon blush

You could be blamed by social services for not protecting your children from the abuse. It's unfair, but it does happen.

Be honest with them. Show that you are willing and able to protect your children.

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