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Advise over tricky situation please

(12 Posts)
User200388 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:05:57


I have name changed for this.

I have a son with an ex partner, usually we have a fairly amicable relationship and can talk, arrange things and generally rub along OK. However he has a sister who's partner is a convicted pedophile.

She has chosen to remain engaged to him, during the investigations, since the trial has finished and when he was convicted and given his sentence. The abuse was against one of their neices and went on for over 2 years without anybody knowing.

My ex partner and I agreed when it first came out that our son would have zero contact with his sister or the pedophile. This has (mostly) been adheered to and I have been happy with the level of protection my ex has given our son.

However, he has just informed me that he will be taking our son away on a family holiday which his sister will also be attending. I am not happy or comfortable with this at all. She has stood by this man and her family have seemingly accepted that and brought her back into the "main fold of the family" as if nothing ever happened. She has lost her job as a nursery worker as a result of this issue.

I have tried to speak to him and get him to understand my feelings on this issue, but he seems to think that it would be seen as "rude" to snub his parents invitation to this event.

As we have no legal or court ordered shared custody arrangement, could I stop my ex from having our son that weekend without legal repercussions? I don't want to make a mess of our civil relationship that I have worked really hard to maintain, but I feel like the safety and wellbeing of our child are being put at risk - She has been all but brainwashed by this man and has shown time after time that she will put him before her family.

Is there anything I can do? Can I get a court order to stop her from being near our son even though she hasn't been convicted? Can I just not allow my ex to take our son that weekend? Or do I have to allow him to go?

Thank you if you read this far and thank you even more if you have an answer

HarrietSchulenberg Sat 10-Sep-16 19:10:54

I'm assuming that the paedophile is in prison and it is only the sister who is going on the holiday.
Did she have any involvement in his crimes, other than being stupid enough to stand by him?
If not, then I'm afraid there's little you can do as she herself does not present a safeguarding risk. If you and your ex share parental responsibility then it will be his choice whether your ds goes on holiday, unless he has restricted access, which it doesn't sound as if he does.

thenewaveragebear1983 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:12:21

Who had parental responsibility for your son? If it's just you, then you can make the decision, I believe with no repercussions especially as it isn't a court enforced custody arrangement. Also how old is your son? Is he old enough to opt out himself? Would he want to, or does he still want a relationship with his (half?) sister? The sister hadn't technically done anything wrong, legally, so it could be tricky grounds to prevent access especially if their shared dad will be there and the convicted abuser won't.

Minniemagoo Sat 10-Sep-16 19:15:57

I honestly don't see how your child's safety is at risk. She is a less than desirable human being for sticking with a paedophile but she herself is not a danger to your child.
I assume your child knows who she is but you can talk to your ex to ensure she has minimal interaction with your dc.

User200388 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:17:54

Hi, thank you for your reply.

I am unsure of the pedophile's sentence as once I found out he had been convicted I did not want to involve myself in it any further, this had been someone I had shared meals with, attended events with and generally considered to be a member of family. The news of what he had done sickened me and I was pleased to know that he had been caught and dealt with.

She was originally questioned and taken to the police station at the same time as he was, due to the nature of the abuse the police had a hard time believing that she did not know, however it was dropped due to insuficient evidence against her.

We do share parental responsibilty, though as I say this is with a verbal agreement and nothing legal. Would my ex be able to involve the police if I didn't give him access that weekend?

User200388 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:20:36

Sorry more people replied whilst I was typing!

Thank you for your replies, I know I sound like I am a bit "Oh won't somebody think of the children!" but I am really worried about this and perhaps getting myself into a bit of a tizz.

Just to clarify it is my son's auntie who I am talking about.

I honestly did not want my child to even have a relationship with this woman and was sure that my ex was on the same page about it - I am just taken aback by his reaction to it now

I have parental responsibility

User200388 Sat 10-Sep-16 19:21:53

My son is 7 and thinks his Dad is the best thing since sliced bread, he wouldn't opt to not go on a trip with him, especially as he also loves his grandparents and I imagine they will be discussing it this weekend whilst he is there.

thenewaveragebear1983 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:08:34

If you have parental responsibility and you really don't want your ds to see her I would accidentally get given some tickets to legoland or Alton towers that weekend that you absolutely can't refuse and take him. But bear in mind they will continue to be family and will rebook another event and you won't be able to avoid it every time. I highly doubt that the police will give a tiny rats tail about it. Your ex might though, and only you can judge the implications of doing this. Ultimately parental responsibility is just that- you and only you are responsible for making the important decisions about your child and if you don't feel he will be safe or happy then you have the right to refuse access.

User200388 Sat 10-Sep-16 20:18:08

Thank you for advise and suggestions - I have calmed myself down a little now and ex has agreed to have a discussion about it later on tonight.

Hopefully we can get ourselves back on the same page about the situation, or I might have to aquire some tickets for something as Bear suggested ha ha

MrsBertBibby Sat 10-Sep-16 21:08:44

Can I suggest that you approach Social Services for advice? They will be able to get information about her, and why she is barred from working with children, to help you and your ex come to a decision together about how best to keep your son safe.

spanieleyes Sat 10-Sep-16 21:38:50

she is barred from working with children because she (presumably) lives with a convicted criminal.-it's called disqualification by association.

MrsBertBibby Sat 10-Sep-16 22:12:33

Well yes obviously, but they should be able to access interviews etc, to help OP and her ex assess the actual risk.

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