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Power of attorney

(5 Posts)
dasso Sat 07-May-16 14:19:42

I am sat here shaking, my mum doesn't deal with anything financially very well she shuts down an panics, I try to help ease her trauma as much as I can which is difficult as live far away from her. She has refused to let me have any legal financial power we even got to the solicitors years ago an at the point of signing giving me the power to sort everything out for her she stopped it.
My mum has a history of mental health issues, so had her sister who ended up being sectioned because of dementia so completely out of my hands, my mum thinks that it was me who put her sister into a home. I didn't that decision was taken away from us because of the section. Very traumatic time especially dealing with my mum too. Sorry long post please bear with me.
I have been trying to sort some financial stuff out recently for my mum so Long process of her posting stuff an me posting it back marked where she needs to sign, sent stuff this week for her to sign she phoned me today, no recognition that it was my writing an had highlighted where to sign even though we had a conversation a few days ago about this, she just shuts down with paperwork an panics, I am so upset right now I have been here before with her sister and quite frankly I don't know if I can deal with this again, she is still refusing to legally let me deal with stuff even though she panics with every bit of post coming in.

I try to minimize her post as much as possible by getting it online an paperless so it comes to me which she fine about me doing this etc. She still however thinks that I may put her in a home if I get financial control. I wouldn't obviously or could not do that anyway.
I promised my dad I would help her with financial stuff when he died, so have continued this, I am finding this so hard right now. Has always been traumatic, She gets very agitated an aggressive when I visit to try to sort stuff out. Even though she admits she has no idea how to sort stuff out, she has no appreciation of what I do an just how much it stresses me out because of her behaviour towards me.

There is nothing I can do legally is there? Has anyone else been through this an found a way to make it easier to deal with? Apart from washing my hands of it completely. Thanks for reading this long post if you have got this far.

MatthewWrightIsThick Sat 07-May-16 21:07:27

That sounds awful sad

I guess there is no one else about to help? Does she have any friends who could help talk sence to her? What about the family Solicetor or even doctor?

How old is she? Is this something that might go on for years?

dasso Sun 08-May-16 09:19:08

Unfortunately she will not listen to anyone even a solicitor an financial advisor have tried an failed, we have no other family. This could go for another 10 years, if she hasn't finished me off by then😊

Tessticklesyourfancy Mon 09-May-16 08:26:30

If your mum is refusing to talk about it or listen to a solicitor or doctor then I'm afraid you're stuck. I couldn't convince my step mum to let me sort out POA for my dad who has Alzheimer's. She had always sorted everything official for him as he's severely dyslexic but as her memory was failing too she couldn't do it. She would put it off each time I mentioned it, can we do it after Christmas, oh let's talk about it later.i even got as far as making a solicitors appointment but she decided she wasn't well enough to go. While you'd think it was down to my dad to go they didn't have that type of relationship, he wouldn't do anything without her agreement. I had to give up trying. You cannot force someone to give POA. Dad went down hill rapidly and I'm going through the process of becoming a deputy for dad with a court protection order. Wednesday is when it goes before the judge so fingers crossed it's granted. I've got an interim order at the moment because there were difficulties in me getting all the information I needed so this has made it take longer but it can be done. You may end up in the same boat as me having to go down this route. It's expensive, my solicitors bill is £2400 so far and as I said it takes a long time but you can look after your mums affairs just as you promised your dad, but only after she is mentally incapacitated.

notquitegrownup2 Mon 09-May-16 08:43:25

Oh I feel for you. Very similar situation here, but we have made a bit of progress over the last year. Are you an only child? (I am, and I also live at a distance, which of course makes things a lot harder. How far away are you?)

Yy to all that Tess has said. Like you, I have had to accept that I may not be able to help my parents as much as I would want to, or even as much as they, when they were younger, would have wanted me to - I can only assist as far as they will let me/as far as I can persuade them too. So however panicky I am getting about an issue, detatching and approaching it slowly helps. Chatting about other things, is important when I phone. Having phone calls which aren't about important matters, but which are establishing a bond again, so that I can go onto raise important issues when the time is right.

I have 2 parents both with dementia, and mum is very much like yours - v defensive, v scared to let me help. I found it helpful to remember that in her mind, she is getting younger, not older - and so are you! As her memory is lost, she loses the most recent years/decades first, and so reverts to relationships as they were - ie you are the helpless child, and she is supposed to be in charge. It's hard.

Are you aware that there is a whole section on MN for looking after elderly parents and especially a dementia support thread? I'll see if I can find a link for you.

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