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changing names after divorce, husband still using our double barrelled married name

(22 Posts)
Tattybogle3 Tue 12-Apr-16 11:59:22

When my ex husband and I married we used both our surnames to form a double barrelled surname.
I was "smith" he was "jones", we became the "smith-jones", we had 2 children, they both have the double barrelled surname.
After divorcing 6 years ago, I reverted to my maiden name, but ex husband has continued to use the "married name", weird in itself, but now he is remarrying and I am concerned that he will continue using the "married name" after remarrying and his new wife will also use that name. This would be really, really weird and makes me feel very uncomfortable thinking that someone would use my surname as part of theirs ?
Ex husband and I always joked that by giving kids both our names that if we divorced and we could revert to our single names, the kids would stiil have both our names, ex husband has either forgotten this, is too lazy to change his name or has ideas of grandeur by keeping a (now defunct) double barrelled surname . Would it be reasonable of me to insist that he stops using this name and certainly doesn't allow his new wife to use it ?

Tattybogle3 Tue 12-Apr-16 12:00:08

changing names after divorce, husband still using our double barrelled married name1
Today 11:59 Tattybogle3

When my ex husband and I married we used both our surnames to form a double barrelled surname.
I was "smith" he was "jones", we became the "smith-jones", we had 2 children, they both have the double barrelled surname.
After divorcing 6 years ago, I reverted to my maiden name, but ex husband has continued to use the "married name", weird in itself, but now he is remarrying and I am concerned that he will continue using the "married name" after remarrying and his new wife will also use that name. This would be really, really weird and makes me feel very uncomfortable thinking that someone would use my surname as part of theirs ?
Ex husband and I always joked that by giving kids both our names that if we divorced and we could revert to our single names, the kids would stiil have both our names, ex husband has either forgotten this, is too lazy to change his name or has ideas of grandeur by keeping a (now defunct) double barrelled surname . Would it be reasonable of me to insist that he stops using this name and certainly doesn't allow his new wife to use it ?

JanTheJam Tue 12-Apr-16 12:01:34

I don't think you could force him to change it or her to not use it.

I think therefore YABU (I know it's not AIBU but that's how your last Q is worded) but I understand why you're upset and that you're upset.

LineyReborn Tue 12-Apr-16 12:02:01

I agree it's a bit odd, but you can't insist on anything. In the UK people can call themselves what they like, I think.

AugustaFinkNottle Tue 12-Apr-16 12:02:06

I don't think there's anything you can do in legal terms about the names either he or any new wife chooses to use. We're all allowed to choose what name we want to go by.

JassyRadlett Tue 12-Apr-16 12:03:23

No, I don't think so. Plenty of divorced women continue to use their married names after divorce, as that's how they think of themselves.

As far as I'm aware, people can adopt any name they like as long as they are not doing so for criminal purposes.

soapboxqueen Tue 12-Apr-16 12:04:16

I can appreciate it makes you uncomfortable but I don't think there is a whole lot you can do about it. He could call himself Mrs TittyMcBoobage and you wouldn't get a say.

Sidge Tue 12-Apr-16 12:06:24

No it wouldn't be reasonable. I don't know the legalities of it but it's his name too, not just yours and I can't see that you can dictate what name he goes by. Unless it's an incredibly uncommon name there will be thousands of other people that go by some version of your name.

FWIW I've been separated/divorced nearly 4 years and I still use my married name; I didn't want to go back to my maiden name and for 15 years it had been MY name, as well as our children's. I want the same name as my children - maybe your ex-husband does too?

It may be that when he marries he will change to <her surname-Jones> - have you asked him?

Tattybogle3 Tue 12-Apr-16 12:11:29

Mmmm...
Because new wife will have the same name as my children, the assumption would be she was the mother ? Over me with just part of their name ? I know this can happen whenever an ex husband remarries and new wife takes his name, but my point was, we had double barrelled our names with the intention of reverting to single names if we divorced, I have kept my part of the bargain, he has renaged.

Cocochoco Tue 12-Apr-16 12:14:15

Cannot imagine any second wife taking a surname of her dh's ex! Just not going to happen

WannaBe Tue 12-Apr-16 12:15:25

Legally it's his name as well now as it was changed when you married. I still use my married name because it's also DS' name. I am now engaged to DP. When we get married we have talked about what to do wrt names as DS doesn't want a different name to me.

One of the thought processes has been for DP to take my name. We probably won't, and I most likely will keep this name until DS is older then change it to dp's, but I can essentially do what I want as it's my name as well now.

I had a family member years ago who married several times. Each time she married she insisted her husbands take the name she had taken from her first marriage. So there are essentially several men out there who took her husband's name...

So in short, no. There's nothing you can do. A name doesn't belong to anyone. :-)

pinkyredrose Tue 12-Apr-16 12:19:10

It's not the married name, it's his name and he can do what he wants with it? Plus what makes you think his new wife will change her name to his?

WannaBe Tue 12-Apr-16 12:24:49

Also, there's no way you can even really ask this question.

And given you both changed your names in marriage, what gives you the idea that this new name of his now means so much to him that he would want his new wife to change to it rather than have the same kind of arrangement?

Kidnapped Tue 12-Apr-16 12:25:12

It would be very unusual for the new wife to take on your part of the name.

Can you imagine her telling her friends? "My name was Emily Carter but from now on can you call me Emily Smith-Jones? The Smith? Oh, that's from Dave's ex-wife. No, it is not odd at all. I'm really thrilled to have his ex-wife's name. Yes, he took on his wife's surname when he got married the first time but he won't incorporate my name this time. I'm really pleased about it". Said nobody ever.

VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon Tue 12-Apr-16 12:28:41

No you can't insist on anything! That's his name now as much as yours. If you don't want to share your name then don't change it on marriage.

RaeSkywalker Tue 12-Apr-16 12:29:27

Maybe he'll use the second marriage to drop 'your' name?

JokesLOL Tue 12-Apr-16 12:31:17

I can see that it might feel weird but I don't think it's unreasonable for your ExDH to want to keep the name. It's his name too. Lots of women choose to keep using their married name.

GoldPlatedBacon Tue 12-Apr-16 12:34:15

I don't see what the problem is. Plenty of women keep their married names after divorce, if you'd become just 'Jones' when you married would you be happy if your ex asked you to revert to 'Smith'?

Perhaps he would just like to keep the same surname as his children. Perhaps the administration of changing his name again is a pita.

MajesticWhine Tue 12-Apr-16 12:34:51

Nope sorry, you have no rights over this name.

runningincircles12 Tue 12-Apr-16 13:31:24

No, legally, there is nothing you can do about it. A person is allowed to go by any name he or she chooses. I could change my name to yours tomorrow if I wanted to. As long as I am not doing anything fraudulent (like identity theft), I would be doing nothing wrong.
As for people assuming the new wife is the mum, surely that would be the case whenever a father remarries? Especially if the ex-wife reverts to her maiden name.

GraciesMansion Tue 12-Apr-16 14:01:34

There's nothing you can do but I agree it would be odd if the new wife took his 'married' name. My MIL kept her married name when she divorced my FIL. When she remarried, her new husband took her (previous husband's) name. So when I first met my dh his mum and her new husband had the same surname as his dad and his new wife. I found it all very odd - as did my dh! However there didn't seem to be any confusion as to who his parents were so I don't think you have any reason to worry about that.

StDogolphin Tue 12-Apr-16 15:00:48

As the new wife I would want to know the origin of my husband to be surname. Will he tell the new wife or will she assume it has always been his name do you think? I wonder if your best approach is her?

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