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Abusive exh and new address(11 Posts)
Divorce has just come through. I'm going to move from family home to own house with DCs. Exh lives abroad now but comes back regularly, though he hasn't wanted to see the DCs since Xmas. He was abusive towards me.
I have 2 questions
- he insists he will need the address. Does he have a right to know? Like can he force me to tell him? He has my email and my mobile number as well as my solicitor's address.
- as he is abroad most of the time where do I stand on a non-molestation order? I had one until a few months ago, not renewed as it was thought there would be little ground to do so. Do I just have to see how he 'behaves'?
He's sent a few communications to me and solicitor in past couple of weeks about my address. I'm getting worried he's going to hassle me until he has it.
Given the history I can understand that you don't want to tell him.
There's nothing to say that you must. Just give him the address of a third party to whom he can send cards and presents.
I'd see how he behaves re renewing the order. You won't get it extended without recent incidents.
Thank you Collaborate He says he is entitled to know where his children live.
We haven't even moved and though it looks like it should be straightforward on the new place I won't be sure until anything is signed which it isn't.
I feel nervous because I can tell by the messages he wants to know.
I'd only give him my email address if he keeps pestering you through your phone.
As for the solicitor, I'd instruct to ignore anything not related to the divorce.
Let him get a court order to find your address if he really wants to.
Any contact can happen elsewhere.
He'd have to apply to the court for a children act order to try and find out.
You would, when filing your response, apply for permission not to disclose your address to him. A judge will deal with it on the paperwork, and probably agree with you.
If, at the conclusion of proceedings, a judge feels the contact arrangements can't work without him knowing where you live, he'll get to find out. But most contact arrangements can work quite adequately without the home address being disclosed, and if knowing the address is the only issue then I can't see him taking it to court.
The children might let something slip when they see him. Nothing you can do about that.
Thanks, I understand better. Yes, the children might say something, except he never asks to see them. He says it's about them and knowing where they live but it isn't really. I probably need to calm down. He's very angry at the moment I think, it may be why he's messaged and emailed so much about this.
If you don't react to his anger it doesn't pay off, so, IME, it gets better eventually. Just be prepared for some nasty messages. Ignore them.
I am a former family law solicitor. I hope I can give you some help.
You don't have to disclose your address if you fear that your ex will harass you. In your divorce petition, you can give your solicitor's address for service. There is no specific form to request confidentiality, but you can make a general application to the court that your address be omitted from any documents served on your ex. Your solicitor can help you with this and depending on the judge, can be dealt with on paper rather than you having to attend.
If he applies for an order under the Children Act 1989, it is Form C8 that you need in order to keep your address confidential.
As someone else has said, you need to be careful about what your children might say, especially if he is going to put pressure on them. If he has been very abusive, supervised contact (with a member of contact centre staff listening in) might be preferable to avoid disclosure.
As for the non-mol, it depends really. If he is abroad, the court is likely to think that realistically he will not have much chance to come round. However, the order covers other forms of harassment, including by phone, email and text and could be granted to cover this. However, there would need to be recent ongoing harassment. The biggest hurdle is getting the order personally served abroad. It does have to be served in person and it can be very expensive to instruct inquiry agents. In addition, the court would need to fix a date for a return hearing, which seems pointless if he is abroad. For that reason, I would probably advise against it at the moment. However, you can still make contact with your local police station so that they are aware and can make sure that you are a priority should anything else happen if he returns.
I hope that helps a little. Feel free to PM if you need further guidance.
Oh sorry, I just re-read your post- duh. I just saw that your divorce has already been finalised. Ignore my advice about making an application. No, you do NOT have to give him the address. He has your solicitor's address if he needs to serve papers on you. There is no reason for him to have it and given the background, he is likely to use it to harass you.
If he makes an application regarding the children, use the C8 form as I referred to above. Again, unlikely that with a history of violence that a court would order your address to be disclosed. In fact, make sure you keep all correspondence of him hassling you for it as it shows what sort of person he is.
And also saw that you already had a non-mol but it expired. I still stand by what I said above and if it has expired, you would need to make a new statement and explain why you need it again. I would say however that if he makes an application regarding the kids or if you get any reason to suspect that he is trying to find you, apply again. Also, remember that non-mols cover where the perpetrator encourages or instructs another person to do any of the things that he is banned from doing in the order. So not 100% necessary for him to be in the country. But see what I said above about service abroad.
Thank you. It's outside the EU. Far, but he comes back often for work (+presumably his family) I think.
It wasn't realistic to expect non-mol renewal when it expired. Afterwards, there was one instance that may have warranted something, I don't know. Soon after it expired he made two scheduled visits to the house with estate agents. I had someone with me the first time who handled it but just one of my children with me the second. He was out of order then but nothing on par with before, tried to invite himself for coffee, made untoward comments about 'us' and tried to make me out to be uptight with no sense of humour when I told him to leave. He didn't insist though. In a way the fact he did leave made me realise things had changed a bit. The solicitor handled it through a letter. It was effective and emails also tailed off.
I have an entire file of his emails, even during the order he never really stopped sending stuff on and off. I don't respond. Never have. It's just they've increased in past couple of weeks and all refer to the new place we're moving into. He seems too interested in it. He's not happy the judge made that decision (although he actually wanted me out of the family home).
I guess I have to wait and see and not panic. Thanks very much for all the advice and PM offer. I will bear it in mind.
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