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does ex have parental responsibility?

(17 Posts)
ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 10:17:03

Background info:
-dd born abroad and registered both there and with British consulate
-father on birth certificate
-came back to uk after separation with father's consent (he stayed)
-no maintenance money other than a couple of times he helped pay for -flights (not total cost)

dp and I are thinking about him adopting or at least getting parental responsibility her and wondered what the best route was and if indeed my ex has got parental responsibility. He has lived with us for 5 years. We co own our house and have a baby together. We are not married.

Does ex have parental responsibility?
What is the best route to take re. adoption/dp getting parental responsibility?

I worry about what will happen if I unexpectedly pass - ex was abusive to me but not recorded in any way.

FlameProofBoots Wed 25-Nov-15 10:19:58

I think you would need to be married for your Dp to get parental responsibility. Dh and I did it by getting a joint residency order for my older children. Adoption is unlikely unless your ex agrees to it but PR for your DH is fairly straightforward IME.

Bellemere Wed 25-Nov-15 10:22:38

Was your daughter born before or after Dec 2003?

How would your DP having PR benefit your daughter? Would your daughter's father agree to it?

Peppaismyhomegirl Wed 25-Nov-15 10:23:08

Marking my place as I'm interested in this. Very similar circumstances. No contact since birth, but ex is British. Something we Re looking at and wanting to do

SignoraStronza Wed 25-Nov-15 10:41:17

Have been in exactly the same situation, except dc was not registered with the British Consulate. Did have an international (multilingual) birth certificate though, issued by birth country in addition to the standard one.
Because he wanted to take her abroad I insisted on a proper contact/residence order. I think, unfortunately, that this process meant that he was automatically conferred pr, although not sure whether he had it anyway as it was a. a European country and b. born after 2003.
I'm pretty sure that for dh to gain pr I would have to ask ex's permission.
I know that my will includes a letter stating my reasons for dc remaining in the UK with dh and siblings and if ex were to seek residency after my demise he would still have to fight for it through the courts. Dh will do everything possible to ensure it doesn't happen and tbh I try not to think about it.
I'm banking on the fact that it would cost the ex money and that Dc would have a say. I can't imagine how the ex would look after dc as he is far too busy and important in n his job and spends a lot of time travelling. Dc doesn't speak a word of his native language (he refuses to teach it) and the thought of it is quite horrific.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 11:40:45

Flameproof - Ah, so we need to marry - I thought that might be the case. I shall have a look at the joint residency order thing - I guess you have to get this through the courts?

Belle - She was born after 2003. Reasons for dp having pr are:
-She is expressing concern that her dad hasn't sought out custody as one of her friends is going through a custody battle and she doesn't undestand why her dad never fought for it.
- He rings her occasionally and she sees him when we take her out to see him, but he doesn't take any time off from work/social life so might only see him a few times when we have specifically taken her out to see him. It is being obvious to her that he does not treat her the way he should.
- Dp is an excellent father and has done all the stuff her dad never has (bedtime stories/plaster on cut knee/joking/taking her places/putting roof over her head/ gifts.
- ex pays / never has paid any support
- ex was abusive to me and also threatened her as a toddler tho she doesn't know it/remember it. If something happened she might end up in his care and I dread to think what would happen to her. He drinks/smokes weed and spends all of his spare time in the pub. I want her to stay with dp if anything happens to me
- ex has also got another dc younger who lives in uk and he does not support them either
- we have a baby and the 'shall I call you dad too' convo came up.

Will he agree? I have no idea as on the one hand he makes no effort for contact but on the other he talks the talk so family/friends think I'm controlling so they don't question why he doesn't see her much. Do I need his agreement for residency order?

Signora - exactly - I fear she'll end up in his care and my dp/other dc won't see her again if the worst were to happen. have also written a letter but have been warned it has no legal standing.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 11:47:00

I just want to add that she is very upset about her dad's lack of contact and we want to make her feel secure and settled, with a dad that won't abandon her. Although I removed her from the country, it has become clear that she is suffering from abandonment issues. Should I seek counselling for her? She also says she can't remember him being angry with me/her but then she remembers situations that were abusive but calls them 'rows'. I think she might need a bit of therapy but not sure....

Bellemere Wed 25-Nov-15 11:47:30

I understand your list, however I don't see what difference having PR or not will make. Practically how will it change things?

The court won't make a residence order unless there is good reason to do so and as there is no dispute about where your daughter lives, this seems unlikely. Google the no order principle for more information on this.

I would imagine your ex does have PR so you would either need his permission or a court order to get PR for your DP. The court will only give your DP PR if it benefits your daughter for him to have it.

Bellemere Wed 25-Nov-15 11:48:29

Therapy would absolutely be appropriate. See if there are any children's bereavement centres near you. They usually offer services for children experiencing loss through divorce as well.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 11:49:15

I've just read on gov. uk that more than two people can have PR

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 11:52:50

Thank you - I shall have a look and see if we have a children's bereavement centre near us.

I think the only legal benefit would be that he would have her if I passed away. But I think there are psychological benefits for her too, although would these count as good enough reasons?

I think what I will do is a. look at marriage b. get her some therapy c. look into a joint residency order so that she stays with dp if the worst happens.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 11:55:43

In a way this could all be moot because I really can't see my ex wanting to have to look after her, but I could see him doing it because his parents want him to and then his parents looking after her. They are getting on and also where they live is not great - the area has big unemployment rates and schooling is bad etc. Her life here gives her so many more opportunities to thrive.

babybarrister Wed 25-Nov-15 12:09:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 12:33:21

babybarrister - the birth was registered in the European country but she was not given nationality there and we were told we had to register her at the consulate too, who issued her with a uk birth certificate. She has a British passport.

He works cash in hand - so I never legally pursued maintenance. The conversation we had when I said i wanted to go back to the uk was him saying 'what about the money?' (which he wasn't paying anyway) and I said 'do what your conscience tells you to do' and he said 'I'll pay for flights to see her' so he continued to pay nothing. So I took that as him saying 'go, so long as you don't ask me for any money'. Because at that point he could have stopped us from leaving under the hague convention. After a while he helped pay for two of her flights (out of the many more I have paid for to take her out there 3 times a year, alongside our flights too because we wouldn't have gone out there otherwise) but I have never asked for any money and that stopped as soon as his other gf left for the uk too.

Am I to assume that if he is on the uk birth certificate (he is) that he has parental responsibility because she was born after 2003?

babybarrister Wed 25-Nov-15 12:50:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ricketytickety Wed 25-Nov-15 16:45:18

thanks babybarrister - I've googled section 4 a children act and found we could go for parental responsibility or a residence order which would automatically give pr. I shall investigate the residence order in more detail. Also noted that my dc's wishes need to be taken into account so will see what she feels after I have all the info.

babybarrister Wed 25-Nov-15 18:50:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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