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Ex wants to move his gf and her 2 kids into the marital home that I still own with him

(7 Posts)
Swirlyjig1 Tue 03-Nov-15 22:51:04

I will try to keep this as brief as possible..... I really need to hear some un-biased views.

So I divorced my husband of 10 years (married 5, 5 before that), have now been separated and since divorced for 5 years. We have 3 DC's(?) (does that mean Darling children? That was what I was going for!) At the time of separation they were 7, 4 & 2, they are now, 12, 9 & 7.

I was in a mentally abusive relationship, with 2 bouts of physical at the beginning. 1 time was when I was actually trying to leave him!!! He recognised he had "issues" and things did get better... but the mental and emotional stuff was still very much there and by this point I was just too frightened to leave, or even just say no to this man! So.... I figured this was my lot. We had a baby girl, got married then had our son and our youngest daughter.

One day it really did dawn on me that the rest of my life was a VERY long time to feel as trapped as I did. So I got strong, and put my family through a separation. It was horrible, I feel guilty every single day. I hate not being a mummy and a daddy, but the alternative was even worse. He was ridiculously strict with the children and I hated having to back him up as the other parent.

But anyway.... our marital home...... We have our home because my parents bought me my first house... my ex moved straight in (I didn't know how to say no) My mum and dad were paying my £53k mortgage, and my ex had so much debt that he suggested we buy the house off my parents, for what the mortgage was worth at the time and add the debt to it, so we could pay just the one fee.... so this is what we did.... Our first mortgage was for I think about £75k... It's now £125k!!!!!

Sadly the debt just kept on piling up.... We have 39 different cars in 10 years and NEVER made money on any of them.... We changed so often because he got "bored"

At the time of our separation we had an IVA and a loan secured against our property for about £25k. The IVA is all paid off, the loan still has £15k left. We are currently trying to sell the marital home, which will pay off the debt and the mortgage, he will then rent.

When we separated he refused to move out of our home, so I was forced to find somewhere for me and my children to live. I did, and I loved it...My safe haven, my new start. My ex has always been around and has the children on a regular basis.

However financially..... I was the main parent, I did work, but I had to rely on housing benefit and tax credits to pay my bills. So, and this is where my ex is REALLY clever and manipulative.... as I was then awarded the tax credits.... my ex managed to convince me that I should be paying him a portion of the tax credits to help him financially..... and before you ask.... No I was not receiving any child maintenance.... and what makes this story even more ridiculous.... Guess where I worked? Only the CSA!!!! So there was me, a working single mother of 3, and I was paying my ex approx £80 per WEEK. He was a house manager of a children's home, so was on about £28k at the time!!!! This went on for about 6 months....

So up until a year ago I have never received a penny of regular maintenance (he used to give me £50 - £100 at the school shoe / uniform time of year) I accepted this because of our marital debt... The IVA and the loan. My half of those payments, for mostly stuff that he bought, covered what he "should" have been paying me in maintenance. So a year ago, the payments on the IVA stopped... He started paying me £50 per month, which went up to £100 and currently pays me £100 per month.

I know his salary and he should be paying me £342 per month in maintenance, taking into account up to 3 nights per week shared care and 2 children in his household....... Now this is why I have come for your opinion.....

So I would say over the years I've been pretty fair, accommodating, stupid!!

He has been with his gf (that's a whole other story) for 3 years, she rents he is still in our home, paying £480 per month mortgage and £240 per month for the loan..... and other normal household bills.... Yesterday he came to my house (Which happens to be about 400 yards from our marital home)(I moved in with my bf of 4 years) and asked me how I felt about his gf moving in with him (to our house) until it sells.... (we've been trying to sell it for about 2 years) so they can save up the money and have it ready for when the house sells and they can find a rental property big enough for our 3 and her 3 children. So until that they are going to squeeze into our marital home (her ex doesn't see his children)

I didn't give him an answer there and then, and told him i needed time to think about it, and that my dad wouldn't really be happy as they would then be benefiting from a cheap house to live in... fundamentally because of my parents. I kind of always wondered what I would say in this situation and it was always a NO in my head.....

Having said in passing to my 2 eldest children "oh I hear daddy's gf plans to move in...." they then went into great details about who's telly is going where and that my eldest would be able to use their room as a bolt hole so she can have some privacy and time to herself..... the gf has just passed her driving test last Saturday, so now it is doable that she can do her school runs from my old house, whereas before they couldn't have managed.

Basically... He asked the question to make himself look good... but fundamentally he's going ahead with it anyway.

So...... If you've managed to get this far with my story I thank and applaud you.... but now I would quite like to hear your thoughts...

Why do I feel so angry about being walked all over... again.
Do I actually have any legal right to say no?
What if he were to have an accident and not be around.... what happens then? I have my ex's gf living in my house....
Can I charge her rent?
I think it's about time that my ex pays properly for his children... I'm done making his life easy for him. I worked out that the money that he should have paid me in maintenance over the last 5 years but hasn't (even with me paying for half of the debt) comes to just over £7k
Am I therefore within my rights to say I want the full amount of maintenance and you can finish off paying the debt based on the maintenance that I should have received?

I'm not a bitter mum or ex, I have been way too laid back about the whole situation and can really see how I have been taken for a complete muppet.

I really didn't do well at keeping that brief did I?

Sorry and hopefully TIA

Gobbolinothewitchscat Tue 03-Nov-15 22:55:23

Did you get legal advice when you divorced? If so, what are the terms of the financial settlement then?

Collaborate Tue 03-Nov-15 22:59:49

Just going off your thread title (sorry, but the post was far too long) you need to apply to the court for a financial order in divorce. You must try mediation first. You can't stop him living his life though.

Swirlyjig1 Tue 03-Nov-15 23:03:59

Yeah, sorry it was a bit long!!!!!

The divorce was done after a 2 year separation and was all very amicable. I don't really know what financial terms were in there, other than we would just split it and we had mutually agreed on our maintenance arrangement.

Boosiehs Tue 03-Nov-15 23:04:32


You won't be able to sell easily with Vacant possession. Don't let a random 3rd part adult live there!!

Ineedahug Tue 03-Nov-15 23:22:24

Why isn't the house selling? Has it been on the market for 2 years??? I'm no expert, in fact I'm bloody rubbish with money, but I thought there had to be a financial settlement in a divorce where there were dependent children? Sounds to me like you need to get the house sold quick to release the capital, because as soon as the gf moves in they are going to do everything they can to stop it selling. Not sure if this helps at all but from someone else who has been manipulated over £ by an exH thanks

Swirlyjig1 Tue 03-Nov-15 23:43:03

I'll dig out my divorce papers tomorrow and see what it says on there!
It's been on and off the market twice in the last 2 years. We did have a buyer for the full asking price, (after having been on the market for about a year) which is basically what we need in order to cover our debt and they then turned round asking for a further £7k of the £150K asking price.... we then decided to keep it..... then the IVA people wanted us to release the equity in our house stating that according to their research our house was worth £178k!!!!!! So they wanted us to re mortgage.... well, that wasn't going to happen, and they wouldn't believe us when we said it really wasn't worth that.
So back on the market it has gone to prove to the the IVA people that it's not worth what they said it was and that we've paid what was agreed, so please could you sign it off and close the case please. It went on for £155 due to a slight rise in the market and we've lowered the price to £150 again.... We could probably drop it another £5k, but we have so many new houses sprouting up in the area, that's the way people seem to be heading! confused

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