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Controlling/?narcissistic soon to be ex husband - advice needed

(2 Posts)
Icecreamqueen8 Sat 11-Jul-15 19:30:08

Where do I start? I have a controlling and emotionally abusive husband, with whom I have two small children. I'm concerned he is manipulating our childcare arrangements in a ploy to get the house and all benefits. He has also booked a foreign holiday behind my back (I had discovered secret plans for this accidentally, months ago and told him then in no uncertain terms that he was not taking our kids overseas). I also have concerns about our children's emotional needs not being met by him when in his care.

We separated late last year and he moved out a couple of months ago. We live in Scotland. We have an agreement whereby he has the children 3 nights a week. It was a verbal agreement with proviso (on my behalf) that the kids emotional needs were put first. He has decided against my wishes that he will have the girls three continuous nights, rather than a night here and there throughout the week to make it easier for the girls.

I am their primary carer and my husband is away a lot, therefore I am the constant in their life, always around, whereas the times my husband is around can be fairly inconsistent. He has been away for a couple of weeks in June and in this last two months he has only had them for 12 overnight stays. He is now trying to change the goal posts, he usually has the kids from teatime on a Saturday (when he's not too busy with something else that is more important than having his kids, such as a football match or a weekend away drinking).

On Thursday evening this week I received a text telling me that he was going to pick up the kids at 11 on Saturday. I responded saying no, as that was not his usual time to pick them up and he'd given no indication of why he wanted them earlier than the usual time he has them that day. We had a very good friend of the kids' birthday party to attend (which he was well aware of); he then texted back to ask me when we'd agreed that I was allowed to have the girls all day on Saturday and that he has plans too and why should my plans with the kids have priority over his- plans which he hadn't mentioned before.

He then sent me a very long email, in which he told me I got to spend more time with the girls on recent Saturdays (he has them from Saturday teatime until Tuesday morning, when they go to nursery. I pick them up at 5 on Tuesday after work). He accused me of using the children as a weapon and has told me that he now wants to see the kids every other Saturday, as well as his usual 3 nights. He then texted me on Friday night, repeating his demand that he would pick them up the following morning. I ignored this text, and the email- and then made plans to be out of the house the following morning in order to side step the issue and avoid any confrontation in front of the children.

When he did pick them up later that day, he entered with his phone on record, saying 'I'm taking the kids'; my oldest has already told me they did not want to go to their dad's that night, they then repeated this to him at this point. He completely ignored this, simply saying that I was not being supportive of this transition from my care to his. Rather than comfort them, he told the kids they would be away for three nights at his. I told him as calmly as I could that I wasn't going to force them to do anything they didn't want to, and he ignored this, repeating the accusation of 'unsupportiveness'.

During this exchange, he told me was taking the girls on the family holiday next week for 8 nights, which makes me believe the holiday was never cancelled and that he always intended to take them, regardless of my wishes; he has also applied for passports without my knowledge or consent.

Thank you for sticking with it this far; I have appointed a solicitor to deal with the separation and to negotiate custody arrangements. I would really appreciate any thoughts and input from you at this point.

Smellyoulateralligator Sat 11-Jul-15 21:44:46

Icecream - what a difficult and horrible man he sounds. I'm afraid I don't have any advice apart from suggesting you get this moved to relationships. There is a lot of traffic there and some amazing posters who will give sound advice.

I think that seeing a solicitor is really important and getting something formal in place as soon as possible. flowers

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