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Can anybody offer some advice to a very worried mammy

(16 Posts)
Happylittlebee89 Sun 21-Jun-15 17:46:49

Hello

I know I have posted about this before but I am beside myself with worry and having sleepless nights over it which isn't helpful when I should be sleeping when the baby is !

In brief me and my ex partner broke up when he found out I was pregnant I now have a 7 week old gorgeous little boy !

During my pregnancy my ex partner disputed his paternity and I also had police involved with his family and friends due to threats !

My ex partner is using my mental health as ammunition against me as I suffer from emotional personality disorder he is saying I am an unfit mother and don't deserve to have my son ! I did not name him on he BC as he told me not 2 and I feel like he didn't deserve to be put on it !

Since I had my son 7 weeks ago I have recieved court papers he is going for parental responsibility and wants access to him I am massively beside myself that they are going to take my baby off me for hours at a time and I am breastfeeding also my ex partner is a recreational drug user please can someone give me some idea of the amount of access he will be granted and can I ask for supervised in a contact centre ???

Social services were involved with me but since me having the baby and then seeing in there words what a fantastic natural mam I am they have discharged me from there services !

Please somebody offer some advice to a very scared and upset mammy xx

MuttonCadet Sun 21-Jun-15 17:49:40

If he's the father there is very little you can do.

Best to try and talk it through and get to an agreement.

SunnyBaudelaire Sun 21-Jun-15 17:50:11

are you in the UK?

Happylittlebee89 Sun 21-Jun-15 17:52:15

Yes Im in the UK !!

He won't speak to me he is going round saying Im a psycho and Im mental and won't have any form of contact with me !

We had agreed he could be at the birth and that he could see the baby whenever he wanted under my supervision but he changed all of this at the end of Febuary and has had no contact with me since Im totally petrified they are going to grant access I am beside myself with worry I haven't been away from my little boy for more than 30 minutes since I had him

StockingFullOfCoal Sun 21-Jun-15 17:53:15

Let the courts decide, especially considering his drug use. Go and see a solicitor.

MagicAlwaysLeadsToTrouble Sun 21-Jun-15 17:57:45

Realistically he will get granted parental responsibility and some contact too.

I don't think recreational drug use will be enough to warrant supervised contact in a contact centre tbh. But the courts will take it into account and the age of your baby and the fact you are breastfeeding.

Don't worry, let him take you to court and see what the courts order if there is no chance of you sorting this out privately.

You could request short contact sessions while baby is small and maybe supervision by a family member would be a good compromise?

SunnyBaudelaire Sun 21-Jun-15 17:58:13

I think you need some expert advice from a solicitor experienced in family law.
but try not to worry too much, from what you say about his drug use and how he is treating you, not sure he would get very far. He has had no contact since the birth? hmmmm.
I hope someone else with more useful advice comes along soon.

Happylittlebee89 Sun 21-Jun-15 18:38:19

He contacted me once to give me abuse saying how I don't deserve my son and how Im a bad mam and that's it my reply was to say to him arnt you going to ask about your son and he just carried on with the abuse !

VoldemortsNipple Sun 21-Jun-15 18:48:10

Don't really have any real advice for you except for keep all his texts and emails. Try not get caught up in slanging matches that could be used against you and go to the health visitor drop in sessions regularly so if it does go to court, you have a health professional to back you up and say they have no concerns.

Happylittlebee89 Tue 23-Jun-15 08:44:49

So I saw a solicitor and if I want to prove my ex partner is on drugs I have to pay for the test myself and if I want access in a contact centre I also have to pay for this myself surely this can't be right when I am on benefits ???

lostdad Tue 23-Jun-15 11:41:14

If it goes to court, costs of drugs test will be discussed there.

He may pay for them or costs may be shared (or as in a recent case I assisted with) part of the costs could be paid with legal aid.

It is worth considering long term however. A contact centre is a short term solution. Your child will grow quickly and it's unlikely to be viable for at least the next 13 years.

Would strongly advise you to try to avoid court. Try mediation. Address your concerns there. Ask that he take a drugs test and provide results. They do not cost thousands (I found one for £240 that was court approved last week...) and they give you a clear result.

It's possible that you wouldn't be satisfied by this and it would go to court. And they'd order a drugs test like the one I mention.

Bit aghast that people seem to be recommending going to court. Court is a terrible solution and you should consider it the last resort. If you want reassurance on the drugs issue, ask for it - I don't blame you and that's down to him.

But make clear that you want your DS and your ex to have a normal, healthy relationship. If your ex thinks you're saying `I demand you take a drugs test and depending on the results of it I might allow you to see the baby supervised' he may think that he has a better chance of developing a relationship by trying his luck with court rather than talking to you.

Sorry if this seems harsh - it's just that a lot of people seem to think the court is a magic wand. It's not. It's a way of handing control of your child's life to strangers and getting them to make the decisions that you and your ex should do.

Happylittlebee89 Tue 23-Jun-15 21:55:25

I did not want to go to court it's my ex that wants to go to court as he claims he can't speak to me because as in his words "I can't string a sentence together" and that I am a nutcase and a psycho and he doesn't want to speak to me ! He has nothing to confirm any of this as Id agreed he could be there at the birth and so on and then suddenly he stopped talking to me in Febuary and that was that I would see him in street and he would ignore me ! Also I have now found out that on Saturday night his mother verbally abused a family friend of mine and threatened violence !! He wants to settle this in court not me I need him to have a hair sample drug test as he knows how to cheat urine ones as he has to takes these for his job so he has sachets of things to detox your urine which j have witnessed him use !

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 23-Jun-15 22:30:48

You could take the wind out his sails by starting the mediation route. I wouldn't be surprised if he failed to engage. You at least have tried to be reasonable and start a discussion with him.

lostdad Wed 24-Jun-15 09:17:31

Lonecatwithkitten makes a good point.

You will be demonstrating that you have tried to engage amicably to resolve this matter while he has refused. It will send a very clear message.

I wouldn't be surprised at all if he refuses - but there is a small chance (and it is worth trying, to avoid court) AND it paints you in a good light if it doesn't work.

There is also the factor that you are empowered - you are taking control of the situation. In my experience people feel a lot better when they feel they aren't being controlled by their ex or their threats.

Happylittlebee89 Wed 24-Jun-15 17:33:46

Im just so scared that they are going to grant him full day access and things so early in my little baby's life it's destroying me thinking about it so when it comes to it I'll be heartbroken !! I already have a court date from him 16th july so we can't do mediation now according to my solicitor

Happylittlebee89 Fri 26-Jun-15 21:20:03

Cafcass are now involved am I to tell them k have cause for concern when it comes to drug use or do I leave that to my solicitor ? Tried calling my solicitor and no reply !!

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