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My will is causing issues and i'm not even dead or dying!

(30 Posts)
fairgame Thu 28-May-15 12:39:04

My parents want me to change my will and i really don't see the point.

I don't have any assets - just a car, a little bit of money and the contents of my house. I don't own any property or investments. If anything happens to me it all gets sold off and the money given to DS (only child, age 10).
Best friend and her husband are executors of the will. So far so good.

I'm a single parents to DS. His Dad is in and out of his life and not very reliable, however he is on the birth certificate and has PR. My will states that DS will go paternal grandparents if anything happens to me. At the time i wrote my will they were seeing DS regularly however they haven't had any contact with us for over 3 years.
My parents now want me to change my will so that they can have DS if i die. His Dad won't want him full time as DS has SN and he can't cope with him. I think that ex will stop DS going to my family as he likes to have control over 'his' things (DS being 'his' son), he hates my Dad and that he will be happy for DS to live with his parents but not mine.
I have pointed out to my parents that regardless of what my will says, ex will have final say as he has PR. However my parents want to me to go to a solicitor to have my will changed and if ex contests it then they can go through the courts and get to keep DS.
I think this is a complete waste of time and money.
What do you think? Leave it or change it?

Madlizzy Thu 28-May-15 12:41:58

I think your parents are right. They're the ones who have regular contact with him now. I'm basing this on them having a good relationship with him.

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 12:42:58

Would that hold any weight in court though if ex decided to exercise his PR and try and keep DS from them?

SunnyBaudelaire Thu 28-May-15 12:44:38

I would agree with you when you say

" have pointed out to my parents that regardless of what my will says, ex will have final say as he has PR "

I think your parents would have a job to remove PR, as you say, regardless of what your will states.
Why don't you seek legal advice from CAB or similar?

Koalafications Thu 28-May-15 12:47:07

I think you should put what you would like to happen in your will. Whether this happens or not is out of your hands but I do think it's important that you put down what you want.

OldBeanbagz Thu 28-May-15 12:52:46

I would take advice on this one but am leaning towards agreeing with your parents. There's no way i would want my children to go and live with someone who they haven't had contact with for over 3 years.

If anything were to happen to you, he'd need the support of loving grandparents not ones who aren't currently bothered about seeng him.

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 12:56:45

I think you're right, it doesn't matter what is in your will your ds will automatically "go" to hid Dad.

I wonder if the fact it isn't in your will may make him more amenable to your parents helping out actually taking over whereas if there is a "fight" over your wishes he'll want to win regardless?

MrsSquirrel Thu 28-May-15 13:00:03

Regardless of what my will says, ex will have final say as he has PR.

That's not 100% true. If you leave your will as it is, your parents could take it to court and make the case that it's in your ds's best interests to live with them. If you change your will, your ex could take it to court. Either way, a judge would have final say.

You really need to get proper legal advice. After you get the advice, you may decide to leave your will as it is, that's perfectly fine. All of us strangers on the internet can't know enough of the detail to say anything one way or the other.

WhoNickedMyName Thu 28-May-15 13:08:15

I'm with your parents on this one. if your ex is not that arsed about being an actively involved responsible dad currently, then he probably still won't give a stuff if you aren't around - would he even bother going to court to challenge your will?

likewise, if his parents aren't that arsed about being actively involved grandparents now, then they probably still won't give a stuff if you aren't around either.

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 13:08:23

Random that is exactly why my will is the way it is. I felt that this way he will have the control of DS being in his family whereas if my family get 'his' son then he will see it as a competition to get him back.

I'll make an appointment with the solicitor again and see what they advise. Hopefully it won't cost too much!

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 13:11:41

TBH if something happened the best thing to do is probably your parents move into your home temporarily and look after your DS...

Presumably at some point your dp may just be to elderly to cope with him, what then?

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 13:12:30

would he even bother going to court to challenge your will?

Yes. He hates my Dad that he will see it as getting one over on him if he can get DS back off my parents.
He sees DS as 'his' possession so won't be happy if he isn't in control. He is very controlling and possessive and hates being dictated to, especially by me.
Ex's Mum will do whatever ex says. So if ex says to her 'i don't want DS to live with me so you will have to have him' she will say yes hmm

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 13:13:28

There is a fantastic MNer who advertises on here, very reasonably priced.

MarlowWills is her company name - will go have a look.

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 13:15:18

Hmm yes but your parents would get social services etc. involved and if they were looking after DS in his current home they would be proving how they can look after him etc. wink

How about you just move in with your parents now - you know just in case of the highly likely event that you do die in the next 8 years grin

bobs123 Thu 28-May-15 13:17:12

I agree with your parents. Shouldn't cost a lot to change. In a few years it will become immaterial as your DS would get to choose who he wants to live with.

Wills are horrible things sad

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 13:17:54

Random if i had to move back in with my parents i think i'd be ready to take a long walk off a short pier within 8 weeks! grin

ZenNudist Thu 28-May-15 13:21:43

So why have it in your will at all?

You seem to have a reverse psychology worked out. Seems a bit complex. Is he such a dick that he'd rather his ds was ripped away from everyone he knows after his mum dies shock

Can't you will that in the event of your death you would rather ds went to his father. In the event that his father can't cope with the demands of SEN it will need to be agreed between ex, exILs and your DPs in the best interests of ds. Why do you need to will ds to your exILs?

RandomMess Thu 28-May-15 13:24:01

Here is the advert

I did wonder if that may be the case grin

My understanding is that whoever is the guardian of your children does not automatically get to look after them. You cannot do that, they are merely their legal guardian!!!

Chchchchangeabout Thu 28-May-15 13:29:19

If your ex dies as well he wouldn't have a say. So worth changing in case that happened.

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 13:32:32

Why do you need to will ds to your exILs?

Because there will be less fuss from my ex and they have the room and funds to look after DS.
Ex will not want him. He won't even have him for tea unless i am there because he can't cope with him. Equally ex will not want my parents to have him because he is possessive and spiteful and hates my family. He wouldn't agree to anything that involves my family, he will do what is best for him and not what is best for DS.
Yes he is a dick, it comes naturally to him. He is King of the dicks.

fairgame Thu 28-May-15 13:34:42

That's a really good point change i never thought of that.
I'll go the solicitors in a few weeks and sort it all out.

YesThisIsMe Thu 28-May-15 13:36:39

I think that you should put on record what you actually want to have happen to your DS. Otherwise all the judge, and indeed your DS, will see is that you have stated your wish for your DS to go to the ex-PILs, specifically choosing them over your DPs.

worridmum Fri 29-May-15 02:19:44

Just be warned the will is not the be all end all

There was a case where the mother had a terminal illness and wanted her partner (father of 2 of her 4 children) to have main care of all four of her children despite them sharing care of the other 2 with their father (he looked after them roughly 30-40% of the time she didnt want 50/50 care as she would of lost money apprently)

Her wishes to not sperate the children while consided by the court the father of the older children won the court case despite her will instructions (she basically thought that her spousaul maintaince / childmaintance / residence order would just transfer to her partner and that all her assists would become the childrens with her current partner maintaining the right to live their (despite a mesher order that was badly worded that only paid out if she married not co inhabited or when her youngest left full time education)

But as their father in your case has not seen them for 3 + years i doubt the court would rule in his favour / him being bothered to pay to take them to court etc as it is alot of money / time and effort to fight it (tho the costs can be recouped from your estate as was the case i mentioned as it was challaging the will but would only pay out if the challager won)

LotusLight Sat 30-May-15 18:25:15

1. Most married parents say in their will who isresponsible for the children if they both die. If you are divorced then it would be more normal to put your wishes in a letter of wishes - this is what my lawyer advised because the other parent in as sense gets first dibs and only right. If your ex died you would want the child so just as fair the other way round.

2. If you did die and your letter of wishes or will says child to grandparents that would be a bit helpful but if they were 100 or unable to care and the father wanted the child and was okay then he would get the job. Social service if you really want them sniffing all over your private family affairs could be brought in to decide who is a fit person although the risk with that is they child snatch , let no relative have the child and put it in care so I'd avoid that route if you can.

fairgame Fri 05-Jun-15 19:01:23

All sorted now, only took 5 minutes at the solicitors. Solicitor said that he feels ex's parents shouldnt be on the will if they haven't seen ds for 3 years so was happy to change it over to my parents. He said that if ex did contest it then ds's wishes would be taken into account and i know ds would choose to live with my parents over his dad.

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