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Husband adopting my daughter... Will all legal ties with birth family be cut?

(26 Posts)
Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 15:30:13


We are in the process of my husband adopting my daughter. He's brought her up since she was 1 years old and her biological dad is dead. She is now almost 9. We have 3 biological children together and it's important that our girl has the same legal ties to her dad as her siblings smile

Her birth family are vile, absolutely vile. I won't go into it on here, but they've sent me to hell and back, particularly the grandmother. They have wanted my daughter to grieve and to be sad for her birth father, rather than accepting that my daughter was a baby when he died and has no memories. They will not accept my husband as her father and this has upset my daughter so much that she refuses to see them. I have worried the grandmother would take me to court for access but she hasn't so far and she hasn't seen my daughter for a year now. (Phew). Life is infinitely better without her in our life - she was a constant black cloud over us. If this woman/family brought anything positive to our family, I would embrace a relationship, but she doesn't sad.

We have sent the adoption forms in and passed stage 1 which was an indepth conversation with a social worker about it. We are waiting for stage 2 which will be actually meeting with the social worker and her taking up references etc. They've said it will be straight forward.

When the adoption goes through, will this mean that all legal ties with the birth family are cut? Will it mean that they then can't apply for contact? I just want my daughter to have this safety smile

frankie80 Sat 16-May-15 16:02:25

Hi, First of all as far as I'm aware, GPs don't ever have any rights to contact/access.

Secondly, my sympathies are with the birth family. It sounds as if you wish to erase their son/brother out of your daughter's life completely and thus I can totally understand their feelings and behaviour. No one would like to hear another man described as 'dad' in place of their own son/brother.

They are/were right. He is NOT her father.

Yes, he could be and they should have been more supportive of your daughter's relationship with your DH but it looks like you could have handled it much better - sounds like you got together with your DH very soon after DD's dad's death while things were still raw for his family.

I don't know what kind of man her birth father was, you haven't gone into enough detail about him or his family but ultimately although they have no rights, I get the impression you have been very unfair to them. They've lost their son, now they are losing their grandchild.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 16:10:45

Yes you're right - you know nothing. He left me when I was pregnant and when he was terminally ill. He chose to have nothing to do with me or our baby and instead spent his dying days running off with my 'friend' and never even met his daughter. So please, don't judge me as you know nothing. I got my with husband when my daughter was 1 - nearly 2 years after he left me. Is that ok for you??? Less judging now??

His family were not remotely interested in my daughter until he died.

They were so abusive to me that the police had to become involved and give the grandmother and my ex a harassment order. They didn't want to see me or my daughter but caused untold misery.

So yes, my husband is the only dad my daughter has ever known and I do hope you never meet someone in my daughter's position and tell her that the man who has brought her up isn't her dad - how cruel are you?

I came here for support, not nastiness.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 16:15:18

Ps. Would you tell any adopted child that her parents are NOT and will NEVER be their parents? My daughter knows her birth story, we have never lied, but my husband IS her daddy and you've made me so sad that you've said something like that. She has as much right to a secure base as any other adopted child

SofiaAmes Sat 16-May-15 16:15:40

I don't know the legal aspect of it, but I disagree with frankie80 It seems to me you are doing the best thing for your daughter. Some men are just shitty dads and shouldn't be in their children's lives. Luckily you only have to make this happen with a legal document. I had always understood that grandparents have no rights. In any case, it sounds like they have stopped contacting anyway, so problem may be solved, but in any case, you don't have to return their calls if they do make contact. It's absurd to expect a child who was an infant to "grieve" for a dead parent as a child. The most she could do is grieve for the lack of a parent, but she isn't lacking a dad so luckily doesn't have to be unhappy. You sound like a fantastic mom. I hope the rest of the adoption process goes as smoothly as possible.

titchy Sat 16-May-15 16:19:45

Do you know OP Frankie? Not sure how you can say birth fathers family are in the right based on what OP has put, or how you can say her dh isn't a father. Or do you think all adoptive parents aren't really parents?

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 16:20:22

Thank you so so much Sofia smile you have totally understood the situation. Thanks again xxx

anyoldnameforathread Sat 16-May-15 16:21:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LynetteScavo Sat 16-May-15 16:22:45

Of course your husband is your DDs father if he has helped raise her! shock

A father is much more than someone who fathers a child biologically!

Sorry, I don't know the answer to what you're asking, but couldn't not reply after *frankie80's" post, which indeed was, quite nasty.


FishWithABicycle Sat 16-May-15 16:23:22

Hi OP. Ignore Frankie you don't need that judgementalism.

Your DH is every bit this DDs dad as he is for his bio children and it's great that this is being legally formalised.

It's fine for you to be NC with her bio-father's family. They wouldn't get a contact order anyway I don't think. It's rare for Grandparents to get them but generally only to continue established patterns of contact and keep an existing relationship going not forcing a new and unwelcome one.

However I hope you'll be honest with your DD as she grows up and never hide from her the fact that she hadone a different biological father to her siblings. She has a right to know this, and to choose to seek out these unpleasant relatives if she chooses to do so when she's older.

Starlightbright1 Sat 16-May-15 16:33:32

I would imagine they would have no legal rights.

Hope this runs smoothly for you

diploddycus Sat 16-May-15 16:44:00

I think frankie has been unfairly jumped on here. Your DH is not legally her father yet. He absolutely deserves to be though and I hope the adoption process runs smoothly for you. I also agree with fish that your need to be entirely honest with your daughter, it sounds like you have been. Best of luck flowers

I am sure the birth family will have no legal rights to contact once the adoption is complete, and from everything you have posted it sounds as though that will proceed smoothly. Good luck.

MrsDeVere Sat 16-May-15 16:54:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 16:57:34

Thanks everyone. We have always been totally and utterly honest with her about her birth father, but as yet, she has not been interested at all. If/when she becomes interested, then we have some photos etc. We are a very open family.

My husband already had parental responsibility for her and has had this since was was 4 years old smile

The way frankie spoke is really upsetting. I hope my daughter never meets someone who would be so cruel


MrsDeVere Sat 16-May-15 17:05:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frankie80 Sat 16-May-15 18:19:54

My post wasn't nasty at all. It was realistic and I refuse to be blamed for the OPs failure to give full details in her first post.

I maintain that the grandparents upset at someone else being called 'daddy' is perfectly understandable. I don't particularly like my own ILs but I would understand their upset should I decide to call someone other than their son my daughter's father.

Good luck to the OP and her family.

EmmanuelleMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 16-May-15 19:50:11

Hi there,

Just popping on to remind everyone of our Talk guidelines.

Please do bear in mind how difficult this parenting business can be, and if there's one thing all of us could do with, it's some moral support.

Collaborate Sat 16-May-15 21:39:40

OP - the grandparents can apply for leave (permission) to apply for contact. This doesn't change just because your child is adopted. All legal ties with the grandparents would end on adoption. That means your child wouldn't inherit as a grandchild from their estate.

It's a shame that your question, posted in Legal, turned into a bunfight reminiscent of AIBU.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 21:49:45

Frankie - I guess the difference there is that they are your INLAWS and therefore your children's dad is a big part of their life. My daughter has never met her bio dad and my husband has brought her up completely as his own. She has the right to a father and has got a bloody brilliant one. Do you honestly think she should call a dead man that she has never met 'daddy' and refer to the man who has brought her up by his first name? What planet are you on?
If my current husband died, then all my 4 children would never forget him and would NEVER call someone else dad - that's cos they have had an amazing father their whole life and have built memories and love with him. My daughter never had that with her bio father.

Collaborate - sorry I'm a little confused. Do you mean that when the adoption goes through, they can't apply to the court?

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 21:52:59

Ps - she won't miss any inheritance lol - none of them would dare have anything called a JOB confused

MrsDeVere Sat 16-May-15 21:56:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Greatt84 Sat 16-May-15 22:07:12

No, they wouldn't get legal aid.

A solicitor also told me last year that just say they did get permission to apply for court anD any order was made, that it would be very difficult to keep to the order should a child of my daughters she refuse to go. She also said that they usually just get 'indirect' contact if anything at all.
I believe that once the adoption is through, it's be very hard for them to get permission to apply from what I've read

My daughter is very clear on the fact she doesn't want contact and is very clear on the reasons why. My little girl just wants to enjoy her happy little life and not have them hanging over her making her miserable. She very switched on

MrsDeVere Sat 16-May-15 22:12:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate Sat 16-May-15 22:13:21

There's a class of people entitled as of right to apply for an order. Grandparents aren't among them. Everyone else, including grandparents and former grandparents, can apply for leave. I'm not saying they'd get leave. I cant say one way or the other. I suspect they're less likely to get leave after an adoption than before.

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