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nursery / ex taking child

(6 Posts)
ConfusedNC Tue 27-Jan-15 19:27:53

My ex is a control freak who was mentally abusive during marriage. We're divorcing. Agreed contact for our son via mediation but he's volatile. He turned up without my knowledge to son's nursery yday. said to them he wanted to know son was ok cos he'd been bit off colour at weeked. I'd already texted him with info to no reply. Told me he wanted to know where son was and what days he went, even though this was covered at mediation.

I'm worried about him being unstable. Nursery say they can't stop him taking ds out , neither could school. Is this correct?

There's no court ordeR cos has to be via mediation first. I do have agreed contact hours written in mediation agreement though.

FireflyLight Tue 27-Jan-15 19:42:18

If he has PR (which I'm assuming he does as you are in the process of divorcing) then that's correct they can't stop him.

I think the only way they could is if you had a prohibited steps order via the courts preventing him doing so.

lostdad Wed 28-Jan-15 12:13:54

The previous poster is right. A parent with PR is entitled to remove a child unless there is a court order specifically prohibiting it.

Notes or agreement from mediation are not legally binding.

It is worth noting that it is usually in the best interests of a child to have both parents involved in their education unless there are good reasons otherwise. If the latter is the case it is worth considering submitting an application to the court to get an order as such.

ConfusedNC Wed 28-Jan-15 15:33:53

Thanks. I just wanted to know where I stand.

I haven't posted back story but I certainly have not excluded ex from any decisions or information and agree, it would be lovely if ex and I could parent our son with respect for each other but this last hope for our relationship has been shattered. Ex can only do respect or nice if there is something in it for him. He's equally likely to do nasty, threatening, intimidating behaviour if he'd thinks that will work better though not overt enough that I could get a court or police to see it. Please don't assume I'm excluding him from being an equal parent because nobody who knows the situation can believe how reasonable I have been, including the mediators who pointed out most couples they see spend hours in negotiations to get anywhere near where we started.

The fact is he doesn't pay attention to any of our son's interests unless he is doing it to suit him. It's all about him because he is a narcissist.

He never looked at nurseries with me. Wouldn't bother to look where the first one was even (when I tried to show him on Google maps let alone visit).Hasn't visited schools or read any prospectuses. Hasn't come to developmental reviews or even wanted to know about them.

Nor would going to nursery without my knowledge and removing our son from his routine when I'm trying to prepare him for school be helpful or beneficial to ds. What it would do is show me that he can do what he wants and excert control.

Sorry for being defensive but the assumption that women always use the child against ex is not true.

It looks like I just have to see what happens and if he disrupts our son's childcare then I'll see what I can do legally. Not nice to have him on my doorstep at pickup being aggressive and harassing. I sobbed lasting night after he went. That was my hour off whilst he saw ds. Pulled self together before son returned.

rumbleinthrjungle Wed 28-Jan-15 16:00:32

A lot of schools and nurseries have an addendum in their policy that while a parent with PR can collect their child at any time, if there are concerns about safeguarding when someone arrives to collect, or if an unexpected family member or pick up person that staff weren't prepared for arrives and asks for the child, the head teacher or manager may use their discretion, and this may include phoning parents for clarification. Many nurseries also use password systems for all children and will automatically phone parents/main carer if someone arrives who doesn't know it, even if the person who arrives to ask for the child is familiar to them.

They usually ask parents to let them know if there are safe guarding or contact issues going on so they can help avoid this kind of thing arising, as yes obviously not in the child's best interests for this to happen. Talk to your nursery manager about it, a lot of nurseries have handled this kind of situation.

ConfusedNC Wed 28-Jan-15 16:32:39

Thanks rumble. Nursery is quite new. I've asked manager and she said it's hard because they can't stop him as he has pr. I was bit confused as other friends have said similar to you. Ours tends not to be very officious. I don't have copy of contract and they don't have passwords. So far I've always just told them who is doing pick up. I think I'll talk to her in person again tomorrow.

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