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Ex pushed me and grabbed son, go to police?

(16 Posts)
wonderstuff99 Thu 01-Jan-15 16:54:39

This morning my ex took our son out for a few hours and when they returned, was complaining about son's behviour. Our 5 year old son wasn't relly listening to us talk to him and ex lost his temper, at which point 5 year old started laughing, through nervousness I believe as he has done this in a similar situations with ex before.

Ex then got very angry, pushed sons head back onto couch and held it there in an attempt to get him to listen to him. I told him to stop and he did, son went to other room and ex followed him, grabbed him and lifted him up as he was still trying to talk to him. At this point, I went to get ex to let son go and grabbed his arm, and he shoved me back into the couch, about 4 feet or so.

I told ex to leave and son ran upstairs, at which point ex began apologising for pushing me saying he shouldn't have done that. He left and after calming my son down, rang women's aid. A situation similar to this causes our break up in June and the police were called then as I was genuinely scared as he wouldn't let me leave the house.

The woman basically said I and son had been assaulted and that I needed to go to the police so this incident is on record in case ex goes through court to get contact as she advised I stop contact for now as son is not safe with ex.

I know the right thing to do is go to the police as she suggested, to show both my ex that he cannot treat us like that and to protect my son, but I am scared by doing that, it could make things worse for us. I'm pretty sure my ex would get so angry if I went to the police that he might do something terrible, like try and pick my son up from school and take him without me knowing to "get back at me" as he doesn't believe anything is ever his fault. I will be a lying b**ch for going to the police and I would be scared he would do something awful in blind anger.

My gut feeling is that he wouldn't go to court to gain access to son as that's too much hassle for him so that part of me says going to the police isn't worth it, just let it blow over and if he approaches me for contact, ask him to go through a mediator. But then on the other hand, I know I need this incident on record in case he does try and get access.

I think I know the right thing to do, maybe I just need others to tell me it's the right thing and reassure me.

Thanks for reading and happy new year.

BingBongMerrilyOnHigh Thu 01-Jan-15 16:57:46

Yes, he assaulted you both. Hope you're ok now.

HowCanIMissYouIfYouWontGoAway Thu 01-Jan-15 17:01:26

I think that it is important that you go to the police. Record his treatment of his son and you.
If things are officially recorded, then it builds a case which you may one day rely on if he were to want access/more access/custody or whatever.
People need to know what he did to his son and what he did to you when you tried to stop him.

Bumpedbonce Thu 01-Jan-15 17:07:38

Please report it to the police, they will help you as much as they can, also have a look at ncdv.org.uk and rights of women to try and put civil legal measures in place to protect you both. I hope your son is ok

wonderstuff99 Thu 01-Jan-15 17:50:37

Thanks for the responses guys, really appreciative of it. Does anyone know what would happen if I go to the police, as in will he receive a caution or something else?

Bumpedbonce Thu 01-Jan-15 19:12:44

It depends on what had happened with the last allegation

wonderstuff99 Thu 01-Jan-15 21:12:24

I think the last time, because he left when the police told him he didn't have any other option, no further action was taken. I presue this time, it might be that he is cautioned?

Bumpedbonce Thu 01-Jan-15 22:24:41

You just need to report it then let the police take it from there, you will need to do a statement and a risk assessment. The police don't make decisions on cases the cps do but if he has no previous for assault he would be likely to get a caution if he admits it

ImperfectAlf Thu 01-Jan-15 22:45:56

It might also be worth applying for a non molestation order against him. If you are fearful for the welfare of yourself or your child, it can be done without notifying him

IDontDoIroning Fri 02-Jan-15 01:15:08

Think of it like these scenarios
1- he does this you don't tell the police he does it again but this time he tells a teacher - they call a safeguarding investigation and it comes to light he did it before but you didn't say anything. You also become subject to investigation. It might not happen but it's not something you really would want to happen.
2 he does this you don't tell the police and then next time he has dc he doesn't return him - police have nothing logged and by bringing up historical unreported incidents you could be made to look vindictive - police don't get involved in custody in general so don't get involved.
3 you report it - it's logged so that if it happens again you have been seen to safeguard your dc or if there are any custody issues it's logged for future reference.

AmantesSuntAmentes Fri 02-Jan-15 01:26:55

Please do exactly as advised by womens aid.

Call the police, the assaults against your poor ds and you need to be logged.

Stop contact and keep ds's school notified of why and that they mustn't allow your D's father to collect him. Instruct the school to contact you and the police, if he tries.

See a solicitor asap. Women who have been abused are entitled to full legal aid, in protective and family court proceedings.

You must be seen to be acting appropriately and in protection of your son. Please don't just do nothing for fear of repercussions. An assault on a child is something the police will take very seriously and you will have to be absolutely clear with them, about your fears for your ds and your own immediate safety.

AmantesSuntAmentes Fri 02-Jan-15 01:26:55

Please do exactly as advised by womens aid.

Call the police, the assaults against your poor ds and you need to be logged.

Stop contact and keep ds's school notified of why and that they mustn't allow your D's father to collect him. Instruct the school to contact you and the police, if he tries.

See a solicitor asap. Women who have been abused are entitled to full legal aid, in protective and family court proceedings.

You must be seen to be acting appropriately and in protection of your son. Please don't just do nothing for fear of repercussions. An assault on a child is something the police will take very seriously and you will have to be absolutely clear with them, about your fears for your ds and your own immediate safety.

wonderstuff99 Fri 02-Jan-15 13:52:29

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your support and advice, it really helped to know I was doing the right thing.

I went to the police station today and the person on reception took a few notes and said that they would be in contact to set up an appointment to video interview my son at my house or the station.

I'm now a bit worried about the effect this might have on him, I presumed they would just interview me. Has anyone had an experience of this?

Thanks again.

Damnautocorrect Fri 02-Jan-15 14:00:20

Well done you did the right thing to get this recorded. Im sure your son will only meet people specially trained to deal with little ones, in an environment thats set up for them. Id also imagine that him being interviewed will have less of an effect then seeing his mum pushed around and being on the receiving end.
Your teaching him to stand up against being bullied, your really doing the best thing.

AmantesSuntAmentes Fri 02-Jan-15 16:38:37

Good for you, Wonderstuff, you have definitely done the right thing.

Try to see the video 'interview' as a massive positive step and your ds will too. I apostrophised 'interview' because where young children are concerned, it really is more like an informal chat, with child-friendly people, who will have been trained specifically in how to retrieve your ds's version of events, gently and appropriately. It's not in your ds's, theirs or the processes best interests, to cause your D's upset and they will avoid doing so.

You can request the interview to be either in your home or in a family room. When they contact you to make arrangements, ask all the questions you need and explain any concerns you have.

If, in the meantime, your ex shows up, don't engage with him, just call the police and let them deal with him.

wonderstuff99 Wed 07-Jan-15 21:06:11

Hi everyone, thanks ever so much for the support, now the fog has cleared and I can see things clearly, I know that going to the police was totally the right thing to do.

The outcome was that I could have pressed for having him done for assault or having the incident recorded on what is known as a vulnerable child report which would have recommended that DS doesn't spend time with his father on his own. This has no reflection on my parenting as the officer who came round could see everything was fine this end. The record is now in place that if everything does end up in court, there is a record of this incident. It also meant that my son wasn't interviewed in the end and I think overall, this was the best outcome.

My ex contacted me today to say he would like to see DS and that he
missed him and wanted to know how to move things forward and what we needed to do. As positive as this sounds, I know my ex and that he has probably been told to say these things by his family so he can see DS. I also now understand that this is another way of retaining some kind of control over me and DS, which he has done before, I started to move on and heal, and he manipulates the situation someway. If I thought he was genuinely remorseful and had realised the wrongdoing, then maybe I could begin to think about discussing contact but I know he feels he has done nothing wrong.

I am in no way going to let him see DS unsupervised and I know many of you have said go to a solicitor which I intend to do this or next week, as I fully believe the only way for DS to began to repair his relationship with ex is to go through mediation or through the courts as ex seems to have no understanding of how important it is to discuss or maintain regular contact . As I said before, he barely saw son over Christmas and before, asked to bring him back early, never requested to see him. I'm not going to volunteer to be with him to see DS as I have wasted the past 7 months trying to facilitate a relationship with DS and he keeps letting him down., besides the fact that who in their right mind would want to spend time with someone who assaulted me and my son?! He has no family here so that is not an option.

Where do I go with this? Should I just not respond to his message and wait until I see a solicitor? Or suggest that if he wants to see son, he should arrange mediation?

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