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Alcoholic dad and access!!!!(10 Posts)
Will try and keep it short but basically I'm afraid to brake up with my bf because he can't be trusted to have our young baby alone and I'm so scared he will get overnight/weekend access!
He has a drink problem, drinks extensively everyday, drinks in the morning, drinks and drives, keeps drink in car to get him through journeys after a heavy night
Because of this I just don't trust him with the baby, he already caused a totally avoidable accident when baby was 5 weeks old that resulted in bump to head and hospital stay! He just doesn't understand you can't prop babies up on work tops, or take your eyes off them in the bath
I can't even go out and leave him alone to care for her because I can't trust him not to drink!
I'm currently staying in the relationship just is I can supervise him with dd!
Currently the only evidence I have is a email from him admitting he is a alcoholic and he drink drives etc which he sent at the beginning of my pregnancy after we broke up and he promised to go to AA and sort it..... He did for a few weeks and slowly slipped back to his old ways
My midwife/HV is also aware of his drinking problem as we were not together at my booking in appointment and I confided in her!
He isn't on the birth cert and I really want out of this relationship for the sake of my dd but how do I make sure he will not get access unsupervised....... I would never forgive myself if something happened to her whilst he had been drinking.
I'm planning on seeing a solicitor after Xmas, but was hoping someone could offer some advice in the meantime. I'm currently just trying to log as much info as I can.
I know all this depends on him actually going for access...which he may well not bother with but I want to be prepared and covered with everything I need incase this does happen
Definitely get legal advice - a lot of solicitors offer a free 30 min consultation or go to the citizens advice bureau. As far as I know (and I'm sure someone more knowledge will be along) if there's any reason why you think your child might be in danger with an ex partner and there's evidence they wouldn't get unsupervised access until the danger was proved otherwise?
Hope you get it sorted soon!
A really good friend of mine was the man in this situation once. He did drink too much, and although he's never hurt his children, he wasn't being a great dad. Their mother made a few conditions about access. It was mainly at an access centre and he had to be alcohol tested before he could see the children. I know he both resented and understood it at the time.
Actually, this helped him to sort things out. He now has un-supervised access and is much happier and healthier.
I think you need to get legal advice, but it is possible for you to protect your child.
Well you could report him to the police. Presumably this can be kept anonymous. You could phone 101 and ask without saying who it is you are concerned about. I guess that they can see what number is calling. I suppose you could use a public phone.
If he drink drives he could kill anyone it's not just your DD.
Having a conviction might help your case.
Ideally you need evidence. However Christmas is coming up. This is a time when many alcoholics drink even more than usual.
If he gets drunk and belligerent, call the police. If he gets so drunk you can't wake him, call an ambulance. Call the local police station and ask their advice on what to do if you know he's going to drink and drive. If he's drinking lots he'll still be over the limit the following morning (and having a bottle of alcohol in the car won't do him any favours either). Do anything you can to get outside agencies in to witness and document his drunkenness. Any evidence you can collect now could be valuable later.
Honestly and it is not something I would normally advise. I would just withhold contact when you split. The most he can do is take you to mediation/court for access where you can insist on hair strand testing. If it comes back positive as it surely will, then you can insist on supervised contact at a center.
I think though from whet you have said, if he cannot be bothered to stop drinking and driving (report him for this BTW, he is risking lives), He probably wont be motivated enough to take you to court.
Without giving a lot of outing details, I had a friend in a similar position. It has been difficult but dad has contact through a children's centre.
Can I ask what explanation you gave for the bump to baby's head? If it's on record that your partner injured her through alcohol then I think you have your evidence. If you covered up for him (which I understand) then it's harder but you may still be able to come forward with the explanation at this stage.
I think your best plan is, as others have said, to leave him at a time when you have a safe place to go (friends, parents?), and let him go to the courts for contact. You are exercising your parental responsibility in keeping baby safe and if you did otherwise you'd be placing them at risk. This was the advice given to my friend whose partner does have PR - yours doesn't so you have more control here.
If you haven't explained the cause of baby's injury then I suggest you do so as soon as you've left him but before he asks for contact - so that it doesn't look like something you've made up to deny him contact.
Again as soon as you've left for good, you could contact HV/midwife and ask for her record of your booking appointment.
Get good legal advice too.
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