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Bullying ex husband

(5 Posts)
lucetta11 Tue 09-Dec-14 11:18:28

I was in a bullying relationship (verbal and physical abuse) for 28 years (since the age of 18). I am not sure why now, but I put up with it for a long time; I think I thought it was normal. Finally I left him a couple of years ago after a huge argument in the middle of one night, as I felt VERY threatened and scared that this was the time that he may do me serious damage. He is a manic depressive and was going through a manic stage at the time, which is when he gets out of control. It was 4am and my children were asleep, so I left them in their beds as he has always been a great dad and put them first. I didnt think that they were at risk at all. Clearly this was a mistake on my part as my ex-husband then claimed that I had abandoned my children. He works for Social services and knows family law inside out. I think in hindsight he was manipulating the situation to push me away from them. He likes to have control and this way he could still exercise control over me. He has friends in the legal profession, solicitors, a barrister and a judge in family law. After I left he threatened me with a court injunction to stop me seeing my kids, as he said I was a threat to them! He told me that I would have to pay half of the costs of this (£25,000). I panicked and had a bit of a meltdown as I knew I couldn't afford this. I did meet with a solicitor and in a one hour free consultation she told me that he didnt have a leg to stand on and that she would love him to carry on with the injunction as she would look forward to going to court and winning, however she charged $450/hour and I couldn't afford to pay for her services (her words not mine!). In the end I was finding it hard to cope with what was being thrown at me. I had no where to live (sleeping under my desk at work), no money as he had had run up overdrafts on our joint bank account so the bank had put a block on the account and I was feeling very depressed. We sped through a divorce, which I didn't feel that I could afford and emotionally needed to see the end of to have closure, and in the end I was bullied into accepting to only see my children for 4 days out of every 14, plus a very poor financial deal. I felt I had no option.... house prices were going up rapidly and the only way that I could see my children was to get a place for them to come and stay. He told me that if I didnt take this deal that he and his legal friends (he didnt have to pay for legal help with the divorce) would drag out the divorce and cost me so much money in legal fees that I would have no money left to put down as a deposit on a house. I felt that if I accepted his deal I would finally be able to put a stop to his bullying and make a new start, and that as my children were teenagers or about to become teenagers that they would start to vote with their feet anyway. I knew they wanted to see me more than he wanted to allow.

Anyway he is still bullying me. When he comes to collect the children on a Sunday afternoon he often arrives early, unannounced, (30 mins, but once more than an hour) and he stands outside my front door and shouts abuse at me (and the children) when the children are not ready to go home with him. He will ring the doorbell constantly complaining that he shouldnt have to wait, even though he has arrived early and unannounced to any of us. He complains if the children contact me too much. He says I have no parental say over the children as he is the 'parent in the residential home'. For example, he recently allowed my 15 year old daughter to stay off school because she hadn't done some school work in time and would get into trouble at school. I told him that I didnt think that this was a good idea and he started shouting at me saying that I had no rights so should keep out of things then put the phone down on me. However later in the day the school rang me to ask me to bring my daughter in immediately as she had a controlled assessment that day for one of her GCSE's, and I know that they called him in at a leter date to 'tell him off' and siad exactly what I had tried to tell him. So gradually this dominating nature of his towards me has escalated. Yesterday my son texted me whilst I was at work and asked if he could stay with me overnight. I always tell all my kids that I have an open door policy, as my place is their home.... they never need to ask, so I said yes, but told him to make sure that he let his dad know. This morning I received an email from my ex saying that he had spoken with his solicitor last night who apparently said that I "have damaged any chance you may have had" of seeing my children "by colluding with a 13 year old to be missing from the Resident Parent's property without prior agreement." In the email he threatened me (once again) with going back to court to take away my rights to see my children. Whilst I think that this is just another one of his threats, I really feel that now I need to do something about them, but I have no clue as to how I can stop him making threats and shouting at me. I feel very upset and vulnerable. He likes to bully me and basically still feels that it is ok to treat me this way even though our relationship is over, we are divorced and I am in a new relationship. It is true that I didnt let him know that my son was staying over last night, but I thought that my son had let him know as he usually does if I remind him. Can he take me back to court and do this to me? Is there anyway I can give him notice to stop acting towards me in this way? I have blocked his calls and texts as they are usually abusive and therefore very upsetting, but as the father of my children I need to maintain some contact with him, so I remain in email contact with him. My children want to see me and stay with me more (especially my son), but they do not want to cause anymore arguments between us, so even though he has asked his dad if he can stay with me more, his dad refuses to talk about it. Does anyone have any constructive advice, as I feel very lost and helpless and I am not sure what I can do, except see a solicitor which I don't feel able to afford right now. Is there anything

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 09-Dec-14 11:26:15

Have you got a solicitor?

SunnyBaudelaire Tue 09-Dec-14 11:27:17

I doubt very much his solicitor said that

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 09-Dec-14 11:41:22

Firstly your children are old enough to have a very big say in who they are with and for how long. It can be different for different children.
Secondly you both have equal parental responsibility.
I would see a solicitor ASAP so you fully understand the facts.

sandra159 Tue 09-Dec-14 20:49:00

I personally would let him take me to court, call his bluff. Failing that, take him! Don't let him bully you.
Your children are of an age where what they want will carry weight in court.

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