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XP wants to 'destroy me'

(68 Posts)
isles7 Thu 20-Nov-14 15:40:56

A little background, XP and I separated in March. We have a 2yr old DD. At the time, we lived in a rented house, and I moved to another rented house. He left me with a lot of debt that I had no idea about (£2.5k council tax arrears, £4k rent arrears, £2k credit card debt) and kept both of our cars. At the time I was too mentally exhausted to fight any of this and couldn't risk losing my job over the debt (credit checked role) so took out a loan to cover the debt and bought a new car for myself.

Fast forward to a month ago he has been a lot more reasonable and agreed a sum that he would pay me to cover the amount he failed to pay in child maintenance until CSA were involved; the amount of his debt I repaid and the value I was due from the cars he kept. In total it amounted to £15k and has allowed me to proceed with buying a house.

I am now at the stage where my mortgage is all arranged, I am due to complete on a house at the start of December and all my finances are in order. I have a letter from him stating the money is a 'gift with no expectation to repay'.

But today he has changed his mind when I made it clear that he would never be living in the house (to be fair, I thought I had made this explicitly clear from the outset). He has kicked off, is threatening to take me to court to get the money back, make up lies to have me done for mortgage fraud (and lose my job) and is generally just being vile.

Amongst his messages are things like "You are a crap shag. The only reason I tolerated you before DD is because you were fit. That's changed and noone will want you now you're fat, broke and bankrupt".

I'm in tears at work here because I just don't know what to do. The money is rightfully mine but I've even offered to repay it and pull out of the house - he doesn't want to know, he has messaged me saying "see you in court" and turned his phone off.

Where do I stand with any of this? Do I need to pull out of the house? If it helps, he took out a loan to give me the money and lied about his reasons for obtaining the money. (told them it was debt consolidation).

KleineDracheKokosnuss Thu 20-Nov-14 15:48:33

First off - immediately email and text him saying:

"As per your letter to me, the £XX you gave to me was a gift. While I have previously offered to repay you that money due to your bullying and aggressive behaviour, that offer is now withdrawn. In addition, I find your threats and behaviour harassing and will take appropriate legal action."

Next step - go to the police and report everything he has said - including giving them copies of everything. Also store copies in a safe place (e.g. with a third party you trust) as well as having your own originals.

That will help protect your position. Then go to a solicitor for a consultation. From what you have said you have done nothing wrong - he is a twat of the highest order, and you are going to need to show him you cannot be pushed around (or he will do it again and again). That money is yours and you have documents to prove it.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Thu 20-Nov-14 15:55:52

And no - you don't need to pull out of the house. You should however warn your employed that your ex is trying to make life difficult for you and is threatening to tell lies to them about you (don't need to be specific - just give them a heads up).

To be frank - he was consolidating debts - he owed you the money (in truth) and he paid it. Now he just owes a bank instead.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Thu 20-Nov-14 15:56:02


peggyundercrackers Thu 20-Nov-14 15:57:27

sorry im confused - why would he be staying at your new house? The money he has given you is rightfully yours - don't offer it back to him, tell him to piss off. I would ignore the txt messages and if he wants to take you to court let him. Don't fall for his nonsense.

isles7 Thu 20-Nov-14 15:58:01

The thing is, I don't have anything in writing stating what the money was gifted for (ie all the amount he owed me - this was a verbal arrangement) just that it was a gift with no expectation to repay (although I'm now doubting that last bit and will need to double check when I get home).

FFS, I just don't need this stress right now. Thank you for your reply.

ApocalypseNowt Thu 20-Nov-14 16:08:37

If he said it was a gift there doesn't need to be a reason or statement of what it was 'for'. I think the advice given by pp still stands.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Thu 20-Nov-14 16:15:52

He doesn't need to say what the gift was for, so don't worry about that.

Wandathewindfairy Thu 20-Nov-14 16:49:41

I think, isles, he is trying to wear you down. You have had some great advice there. I too would just give the heads up to work and speak to a solicite, most will do an initial free consultation.

Offering solidarity. thanks

PetiteRaleuse Thu 20-Nov-14 17:08:56

Big hugs isles he is messing with you again. Stand your ground, be calm and keep records of all contact. Remember how strong you are x

YellowWellies Thu 20-Nov-14 17:35:09

What a tosser sad . I think you need legal advice as to what to do about the house sale.

Zamboni Thu 20-Nov-14 17:56:21

Is the money in your possession? Ie he has paid you back what he owes? If so I wouldn't worry too much - he's on the hook for the loan he obtained, and he'd be on a hiding to nothing if he sued you for it when you have a letter confirming it's a gift. I think this is all hot air and he'd not actually go through with whatever he meant by "see you in Court" - which, by the way, only total knobs ever say IRL.

You haven't committed mortgage fraud as presumably the purpose of the letter was for identifying the source of the funds for your lender's requirements?

Does he even know who your lender is for the purpose of making trouble?

Do you have someone nice in HR you can pre-warn in case he decides to make a fuss at work?

I do think you should report his threats and harassment to the police.

He is a knob isles. Try not to panic too much. He's trying to upset you, but he's all mouth and no trousers.

isles7 Thu 20-Nov-14 18:00:38

Mortgage arranged through work, this is what he has an issue with. Money clicked into my account on Monday.

He reckons I lied to get the mortgage as I have been offered more than he was (he only knows this because I am able to buy a house and he was offered much less). This isn't because I lied, simply I have MUCH better credit rating than him, lower outgoings and a higher salary. hmm

I am just exhausted. I feel like everytime I get somewhere in my life (new job, new house, dates, etc) he throws a tantrum and ruins it for me. My gran is terminally ill just now, I am working 60hr weeks and trying to deal with the stress of buying this bloody house. I am totally wiped out and he knows it sad

Zamboni Thu 20-Nov-14 18:08:21

He knows which buttons to push. Keep doing what you are doing for yourself and your DD.

As for him - report his threatening harassment to the police. Try not to demonstrate any reaction TO him. Don't communicate anything other than factual necessity. This is him having a tantrum because you are not under his influence anymore. It must seem like a lot to bear but can you delete his number/change phones/block him? Don't have any contact other than of your choosing .

isles7 Thu 20-Nov-14 18:12:33

In short, can he legally demand I give him the money back when I have a letter clearly stating it is a gift from him?

YellowWellies Thu 20-Nov-14 18:14:38

He's got no proof its a loan that he wants you to repay either. Your work won't take his word as proof of mortgage fraud - if you've been straight with them you have no worries xx

Zamboni Thu 20-Nov-14 18:15:19

I'm not in the same jurisdiction as you but I cannot see on what basis he can "revoke" an unconditional gift. Because he doesn't like how you're spending it? It's laughable.

Theboulderhascaughtupwithme Thu 20-Nov-14 18:18:27

Isles, I am not a lawyer but I believe, even if he had not stated to you it was for a gift it would be exceptionally difficult for him to sue you for this money.
My biL loaned his ex partner a similar amount if money with the agreement that he would be moving into her home ( he owned his own home but lived and worked near to hers). He put nothin in writing. She then dumped him and totally refused to repay the loan. He went I the police who basically advised that cases like these are usually non starters ( either civil or criminal) as nothing can be proved.

Given that you have written confirmation it is a gift then I don't think you have anything to worry about.

Bakeoffcakes Thu 20-Nov-14 18:21:28

You poor thing he sounds awful.

He hasn't got a leg to stand on, he's making empty threats to scare you.

I would keep copies of everything he's sending you becasue it's proof of harassment, if it carries on.

Bakeoffcakes Thu 20-Nov-14 18:23:47

And do not let this excuse for a human being ruin this for you. You sound a totally together, hard working woman, he on the other hand sounds like a bully and a loser.

Buy your house and be proud of what you've achievedflowers

isles7 Thu 20-Nov-14 18:27:04

I sent him a facebook message in rage this afternoon offering to repay it and pull out of the house or cover his loan payments if he would drop this vendetta against me. Will that be held against me?

grumpyoldgitagain Thu 20-Nov-14 18:30:47

If you have a letter stating it is a gift he hasn't got a hope in hell

Tell him to take you to small claims court and then present the letter to the judge and the judge will tell him to fuck off for you

Bakeoffcakes Thu 20-Nov-14 18:30:50

No, because you can retract your offer.

Zamboni Thu 20-Nov-14 18:32:24

He could use the offer to repay as an argument that it is an agreed loan and not a gift. I would think you could counter that with the fact it was a sort of duress offer given his harassment. And that's if he ever actually does anything to try and get it back which I doubt he will.

I'd take advice from your conveyancing solicitor about the extent to which any of this might need to be disclosed to the lender.

KleineDracheKokosnuss Thu 20-Nov-14 18:43:43

Please do send the text and email 'revoking' the offer to repay. It's a protective measure and creates a paper trail that you can point to.

Then leave him to his tantrum.

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