Adding Step Father's name to Residency Order?

[polkadotsandspots]

Have name changed for anonymity..

My ex and I have a shared res order. Set times and locations for the children to move to each parents home, all kept to rigidly.

Ex likes to be rude to me and claimed at Court that he felt stressed if me and my partner both turned up to collect or drop off the kids and wanted it added to the Order that we don't both come, just me and if I am "unavailable" just my partner. I agreed to save an argument.

If I am at work my partner will collect them/drop them off for me. He hates my partner being around the kids (not OM or anything bad just jealousy mainly). I'd rather this didn't have to happen but as times and dates are set rigidly I can't always get of work at the correct times.

He has often hung around after my partner has collected threatening to take them back again and has asked where I am every time my partner collects or drops them off as the Court Order state he will do it if I am unavailable so he feels the right to ask for proof I am unavailable and not just avoiding him.

One day when my ex didn't turn up to collect them (my partner had waited at the cafe for 45 min no call from my ex) my partner left the agreed meeting place and my ex called the Police saying his kids had been abducted. Police obviously jumped into action and ex gleefully called me to say he had reported my partner to Police and they were on their way to arrest him. I explained that was ridiculous, they weren't "abducted" they were back at home.. He hadn't told the Police it was my partner who had care of the kids and it was him who turned up late as he wanted a big panicked response and to make my partner look bad. In the end he looked like a fool to the Police and they told my partner to keep the kids overnight and ex collected them the next day.

My partner has lived with me and the kids for 2.5 yrs now, we are due to get married next year. I worry every single time I'm working and cant be there at the set times to collect and my partner collect the kids as I know ex is out to cause issues and delay/ruin the kids coming back to us.

The only way I can think to resolve this is to have my partners name added to the Residency Order so that ex doesn't have this "power" over him, right now he know that as he has PR and my partner doesn't the Order doesn't stop him refusing to hand the kids over to my partner. Would that make any difference? Would a Judge grant that given the circumstances?

His latest email has warned me that there may be a delay in the children being collected if my partner arrives to collect them and he feels I am not "unavailable" just getting my partner to collect as I am avoiding him. Unavailable is pretty ambiguous but he seems to think it means just if I am working.

He has also claimed that I have breached the Court Order by us both being there to drop off the children to him. We arrived at the drop off point early as we were passing through with all of us in the car (my partners child too) we had gone into the cafe as she wanted the loo and it will still 20mins or so til the agreed time. Ex arrived early, saw us and walked over to us and said "aha so you are both here you've breached the order". I explained he was very early and my partner wouldn't have been here if he arrived on time but he's adamant that he's cleverly "tricked" us. Petty but so damn annoying"

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

[thonghangingontheline]

You could ask the courts to grant your DP PR or amend the order to include him and include all the emails etc of him being destructive, refusing to hand over the DC, phoning the police on him etc.

Have you logged all things he's done. Have you tried mediation? The courts wouldn't look kindly to him wasting everyone's time because he has a jealousy problem.

[polkadotsandspots]

Thanks Thong. The emails I have from ex are worded so carefully and cleverly it'd be hard to use them to "prove" anything. He makes up situations which honestly never happened, writes them in emails along with his "threats" (disguised as concern for the children) as he knows anything he does or sends could be used by me against him.

There are the Police records showing the ridiculous abduction calls from him re "abduction" he has actually done it twice now, the other time was before we had the Court Order in place when my partner had taken the kids to the fair and ex turned up there and demanded he hand them over. My partner said no and that ex should call me as he had been entrusted with the children by me and he couldn't just hand them over and ex called the Police and stated someone was holding his children against his wishes. Police arrived (as did I) and ex gold told to f-off basically.

Ex won't attend mediation, has always refused.

I was under the impression Courts don't like to grant step parents PR when residency is shared between the two actual parents?

[thonghangingontheline]

I found this gives advice on step parents and PR

Will he agree to it? If so there's a form you fill out and get it witnessed. The courts might grant PR if he's causing all of these problems in the DC's day to day life. I can't imagine how distressing it is to see the police turn up on the false claim they've been kidnapped. Have you inform your HV (dependant on age) SS, GP's etc of all these police reports

[polkadotsandspots]

He absolutely wouldn't agree. He's even previously written to the school informing them my partner isn't allowed to collect them from school during their time with me ( despite having my permission for him to collect them) and had his uncle who works for the Police call the head to quite legislation about PR etc. Luckily school told him he has no right to demand that and my permission was enough. Very embarrassing though!

Yes my children have been told they were indeed kidnapped. That my parent had "stolen" them and daddy had to fight to get them back. They've seen Police turn up more times than I can count and just last week my ex screamed abuse at my partner when he dropped the kids off for me and the kids were really upset.

I haven't thought of contacting GP or SS, I wouldn't even know what to say. Can you give me some advice? Would they be interested in what seems so petty and non medical related?

[polkadotsandspots]

I'll look at that link now too thanks

[thonghangingontheline]

I would explain the situation to GP/SS and say you're concerned about the effect it will have on the DC the fact he keeps ringing the police on you, telling the children they've been kidnapped etc. They really listen and that way if you have to go to court to try and get your partner PR it's logged and cafcass will see.

I've had to do this for my ex who threatens to take my DC, makes him cry etc they said it was a concern on his parenting.

I'd log it with the GP and with the school incase he tries the same stunt there so they'd be informed.

I didn't think family members could get involved with police matters especially giving advice like that I'd look into it and maybe complain!

[prh47bridge]

You could ask the courts to grant your DP PR

Your DP can only get PR if you are married. If you are not married there is no mechanism by which he can get PR.

[polkadotsandspots]

Really PH? I read just now that being named on a Residency Order gives that person PR regardless of marriage?

[Georgiaandi]

I think you can ask the court for your partner to be graded parental responsibility for your children if he lives at the same address where the kids live.

[prh47bridge]

I think you can ask the court for your partner to be graded parental responsibility for your children if he lives at the same address where the kids live.

No she cannot. The OP's DP can only get a court order granting PR or enter into a PR agreement if they are married. An unmarried partner cannot get PR in this way.

being named on a Residency Order gives that person PR regardless of marriage?

Yes, if you can get the courts to make a Child Arrangements Order (we don't have Residence Orders any more) saying that your child resides with both you and your partner he will get PR. I was responding to thonghanging's suggestion that you could get PR for your partner without doing anything about residence. You would only get such an order if the court believed it was in your child's best interests.

[prh47bridge]

Just for clarity, when I talk about "such an order" I was referring to a Child Arrangements Order giving residence jointly to you and your partner.

[polkadotsandspots]

Thanks PRH47 that clears it up for me.

We already have a Shared Residency Order (my name and ex's name) so if I applied to Court to amend it would it be updated and changed to a Child Arrangements Order?

Do you have any knowledge of the likelihood of a Court agreeing for my partners name to be added?

-We are unmarried but plans to marry
-We have a child together
-His child from a previous relationship lives with us too
-He has been in the children's lives since before they can remember
-He often has sole care of the children if I am working (he doesn't work, I work but around the children as much as possible)
-Ex has made two false allegations of kidnap
-Ex previous wrote to school demanding my partner wasnt allowed to collect the children (school refused)
-Ex has refused to allow the children to go with him unless he "has a chat" with him at collection time, he then reported my partner to Police for harassing him at collection.
-He has come to our house before demanding the children off my partner
-He had turned up at the fair when my partner had care of the kids
-He tells the kids they mustn't listen to my partner

It sound slike he has my kids loads, he doesn't but whenever he does its usually a hour or two here and they whilst I am at work or getting home from work. Ex makes things so difficult we are always worrying he will cause issue. Do you think it would help the situation if it were a jointly names Order?

[thonghangingontheline]

I think it would help. I'd consider applying to the court to amend the order and I'd list the reasons why.

I can't see why the judge wouldn't do it (I'm not legal though) can you get a free half hour from a solicitor?

[polkadotsandspots]

This is what I'm hoping thong. Ex will deny it all, I can't prove conversations and his actions at pick ups, I can of course prove the calls he made to police that were dismissed regarding abduction and the letter he wrote to school although both of those were some time ago now. More recently he came to our home despite a Court order stating he shouldn't which Police also attended. The kids weren't there that time but if they were with my sort we and I wasn't there I know he'd have demanded them handed over

I'm hoping the Court will see no reason not to, if ex isn't doing these things then it won't make any difference and if he is then it will hopefully help the situation. Ex wants my partner out of the kids lives and constantly undermines his relationship (as step parent) and the importance of that relationship. The kids are left confused upset and torn between two people that they love both but feel they are being forced by ex to pick sides.

[thonghangingontheline]

If it goes to court the CAFCASS will speak to the children so he's not helping himself, I'd also mention to the court how he's making the DC feel. The courts will want to make sure the DC are happy and what's best for them.

Id defiantly log how he's making them feel with SS/School/GP etc though so if you go back to court you can prove you've logged your concerns over how he's making your DC feel when he undermines everyone

[polkadotsandspots]

Thanks for your help thong. Just feel a bit daft going to the GP stating that ex's behaviour is upsetting the kids. Doesn't seem quite what they are there for if that makes sense..

[thonghangingontheline]

I know, i felt the same when I did it. Especially to SS because my DC wasn't being abused physically but I was worried for him.

My ex kept threatening to take my DS, would say he'd come get him etc, move away etc. It caused me a great deal of stress, anxiety and worry (as it seems it is you) and they all listened really well and made a note on the system.

The fact that it's causing you to worry and from what you've wrote to become anxious that he's going to kick off, phone the police, demand the children etc every time you need to leave your DC in the capable hands of your DP. Your GP should listen, I'd also tell your HV depending on age as she can advise you on it as well as SS