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please help - stopping contact

(13 Posts)
Holliewantstobehot Sat 31-May-14 16:19:12

So I have a ds10 and dd8 - me and their dad have been split up for 4 years. I have always facilitated contact and we have never been to court or have any kind of legal agreement. Ds has special needs and has anxiety and aggression, although this has been better of late. Last week he got very upset saying he is stupid and deserves to die. I comforted him and it all came out that his dad calls him stupid and moron and that he doesn't want to go any more. Neither child went that week. Ex insisted on a meeting at which he agreed to stop this. Ds agreed to go today, but then said he wanted to come home tonight rather than stay the night. I told ex and he refused to agree to them coming home and drove off with them. Ds looked distraught. He now says that we just have different parenting styles and that I shouldn't pander to them and I'm making something out of nothing. I don't believe I am and I am not willing to do another handover like that.
How do I proceed. Do I just stop contact and wait to see if he takes me to court or is it better for me to take action first. I would be happy with say a contact centre or somewhere ds could feel secure but don't know how to go about any of it.

Holliewantstobehot Sat 31-May-14 17:26:52


thonghangingontheline Sat 31-May-14 18:39:16

Your DS is of an age where court would take his view into account. As would Cafcass.

Personally I'd phone SS and explain the situation to them your ex is being emotionally abusive to your DS and IF you decide to go to court CAFCASS will have your concerns noted down already.

Can you get a free half hour with a solicitor? The court would frown upon you just stopping contact maybe try mediation then apply to court for a child contact order? Encourage your DS to be honest and maybe get him to keep a feelings diary?

Holliewantstobehot Sat 31-May-14 18:58:12

Thanks - that was what I wanted to know. Thought it would look dodgy just stopping contact. Will look into it on Monday. The main issue is my son's disability. Ex says he has to learn to do things he finds hard so he is not bullied at secondary school which to a certain extent is true but some things ds cannot do because of his dyspraxia no matter how much he is told off. ex told him it was his fault he was bullied at school because of the way he is.I tried to tell ex this was emotionally abusive but he just says I am overreacting! I will do some phoning around on Monday. Thanks for replying.

thonghangingontheline Sat 31-May-14 19:08:24

That's okay. Keep reminding your son (as no doubt you do) that it is NOT his fault!

I'd log your DS's behaviour before contact and after contact (I did this and it helped massively in court) I'd defiantly encourage the feeling diary and everything horrible your ex say's to DS write it down with date, time exactly what was said.

Hope all goes well and defiantly log it with SS, GP's etc

LadySybilLikesCake Sat 31-May-14 19:13:41

Hi, Hollie.

I was in a slightly different position, the ex lives abroad and only see's ds every 18 months or less (no contact at other times). Ds decided not to continue seeing his father when he was 13 due to something which happened during the visit before (he's dyspraxic too. An hour before I explained that he gets anxious and doesn't cope well when he's shouted at, then what does his father do? Right in his face. It was too much for ds - and for me too)and I supported him. It's important that your children see you fighting their corner for them. If they are miserable when they see him and they don't want to go then I wouldn't force it, they are old enough to make this choice and understand what it means. Your children have a right to see their father, if they want to.

Seeing a solicitor is a good move.

thanks <for you.

LadySybilLikesCake Sat 31-May-14 19:14:40

Oh, he didn't take me to court. He did stop paying maintenance as a punishment though (I took him to court for this).

Holliewantstobehot Sat 31-May-14 19:50:20

That's the threat he always pulls out - I'll stop maintenance, like I can't just go to the csa. Ds is starting counselling next week for his aggression and anxiety so it may get documented through that. Interestingly dd does not want to go any more saying ex is mean to ds and she doesn't like it. He is not mean to her just ds. It's like he will admit it's wrong but then backtracks and says I have the problem and am too soft on them. I will keep a log for sure. Just wish they had a decent dad. I told ds his dad was wrong to say those things to him and that he was a lovely boy and that if someone would only be friends with him if he was different then they weren't a real friend. His behaviour over the next few days after that was near perfect. So much is making sense to me now like him saying everyone loves dd and not him, and the way he gets so upset when he can't do something perfectly. Thanks for all your replies I feel so much better for writing it all down.

thonghangingontheline Sat 31-May-14 19:58:05

You sound like a wonderful mother Hollie

I hope it all goes well and maybe go to the CSA now (If you haven't) that way he can't threaten to stop it.

LadySybilLikesCake Sat 31-May-14 20:09:06

He's doing that to bully you, Hollie, and it looks as though he can't take responsibility for his actions. Go to the CSA anyway, children are not 'pay per view' and he has to pay a contribution towards their upkeep whether he see's them or not. You got what you got. I wish ds had a decent father too and I spent many years trying to encourage a relationship in the hope that things would change but they never did.

Thong is right, you are a wonderful mother smile Do what's in the best interests of your children, they are the important ones. If no contact is better than your son being belittled and emotionally abused, then so be it.

Holliewantstobehot Sat 31-May-14 20:17:17

I too have done everything to facilitate access in the hope that they would have a good relationship with their dad but I suppose at some point a line has to be drawn. Normally he makes me feel like I am being stupid but not this time. I feel surprisingly strong and calm with a touch of rrighteous anger! Thank god for mumsnet.

LadySybilLikesCake Sat 31-May-14 20:27:37

smile Good luck! Remember that you're not alone in this, there's loads of support on here. Please do go and see a solicitor though, it's hard to judge what he'll do next so you need to get all basis covered. Do go to the CSA too.

MusicIsMedicine Sat 13-May-17 15:08:58

Well done.. He sounds like a cunt.

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