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Father trying to go for custody. Please Help!!

13 replies

christmasmammy · 30/05/2014 21:12

Me and my partner were together for just over a year when we moved in together. Shortly after this i found out i was pregnant.
Throughout the entire relationship he was very possessive and extremely jealous, and very bad tempered. If things did not go his way he would even smash things up. He was temporarily thrown out of his parents home about eight months ago for smashing things up when he lived there. When we first moved into the house he smashed his phone and the internet modem up because the internet signal was slow.
He was drinking every single night, and when he went 'out' drinking would come in in a ridiculous state and cause trouble. Whenever he became drunk he would look for an arguement. On one particular day he was out drinking all day and we ended up having a heated argument over text. I decided to stay at my parents that night so i would not be in when he came home drunk and in a temper. He then came to my parents house and tried to kick both doors in shouting 'you know who the fk i've come looking for, get her out f*g here now'. When my parents opened the door he tried to barge into the house, they managed to get the door closed and rang the police. In the mean time he threw a large plant pot at the door and left. I was 5 weeks pregnant at the time so the police informed the midwife.
After this incident i decided time apart would be good so i went to get some of my things from the house, not only had he punched holes in some of the doors but had also smashed my mirror. He had punched and broken some of my parrots toys, and also punched her cage (it was broken in on place and had blood splatters on).
I stayed at my parents house (this was initially going to be short term) but he became nasty when i did not move back in. One night in which i had agreed to see him i was take into hospital with a threatened miscarriage. He was aware of why i wasn't there but still had a go at me for not going down to his anyway. Things went even more downhill from here. At first he tried to guilt trip me into going back by saying i'd made him depressed because i wasn't there, and then repeatedly threatened suicide. I had to contact his parents who told me to ignore the threats because they knew what he was like and he was just being stupid. When this did not work he sent me abusive messages insulting both me and my family. I moved all my things out of the house and ended the relationship full stop, he had also scrumpled up the only scan photo he had and thrown it in a cardboard box with my things in it.
A few days later his father rang trying to get me to talk to my ex, he himself said that he knew how volatile and aggressive he could be and understood my situation. He even said that he was nervous allowing his younger daughter to stay at his (her brothers) because he knew that he could fly off the handle over anything. I refused to talk to him, saying i just wanted to be left alone for a little while.
My ex text a few days later saying he had gone for councilling (admitting in a message i still have that he was an alcoholic) and that he had been put on antidepressants for his temper. He begged me to go back but i said i wanted to wait until he could prove he had changed first. He turned nasty again and sent more offensive messages. Around a week later he text saying he hadn't gone for any help at all and was still drinking but just wanted me back so lied about going for help. He text to say he was 'psychologically unstable' and needed me to go back to him.
When this did not work he once again tried threatening suicide.

He has now text saying that he will go for full custody of the baby, and is telling people that i planned the pregnancy hoping to leave him but still claim money from him. (Biggest load of crap seeing as i put money into setting up a house with him and we were even engaged)

I am now living back with my parents and hoping to get a house before the birth but he says he will fight me for custody of the baby. I have an umblemished police record and have held down a job while also completing a full time uni course. He was claiming dole. Two of his exes also claimed that he had been violent but dropped charges.

Is there any way he will be able to take the baby from me ? He's trying to say that because i live with my parents and brothers (and many pets) that the baby will not be cared for or will be in danger with me. This is not the case.

Sorry for the long post but i am really worried about him trying to take the baby away from me. Thanks xxxx

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Betrayedbutsurvived · 30/05/2014 21:16

Hes talking bollox, ignore the prick, he's just trying to scare you, chances are, once he realises you're not biting, he'll probably crawl back under his rock.

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christmasmammy · 30/05/2014 21:18

I meant to add that while i was buying baby things (and now have everything from pram to bibs) he did not buy a thing and continued drinking. I have not had a penny or any baby items from him at all.

I am 12 weeks but wanted all the baby stuff first so that i can collect things to start a house ... again.

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HattyMonkey · 30/05/2014 21:19

I am sorry you are having such a crappy stressful time. He is not serious about going for custody it is just another attemp to bully you into going back. If he is (highly doubtful) he stands no chance, you have all the messages and the police report. Try not to worry, if he broaches the subject again then go and get a free half hour consultation with a solicitor. They will put your mind at rest.

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christmasmammy · 30/05/2014 21:20

I didn't know i could do such a thing. Thanks so much xx

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christmasmammy · 30/05/2014 21:21

He's the type of idiot that will fight for custody just to be awkward, and i can't afford a solicitor. His parents will help him.

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HattyMonkey · 30/05/2014 21:25

Most solicitors offer this, it just takes calling around to find one and booking an appointment. But I honestly don't think he is serious. It would interfere with his drinking lifestyle. Keep all correspondence and just send him one message asking him to leave you alone or you will report him to the police for harrassment. If he does then call 101 and do just that, they will tryvand get a restraining order. Congratulations by the way. Smile

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Betrayedbutsurvived · 30/05/2014 21:25

Let him crack on and waste his parents money, keep all his abusive texts, and call the police every single time, if he shows up causing trouble. It's a very very long time since my ex tried this shit, but he got laughed out of the courtroom.

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RachaelAgnes · 30/05/2014 21:26

Your ex is a violent man, the police have been involved.
Other people have witnessed his violence, and his own family are nervous around him.
I know you must be worried, but if he's serious (and I think he's just saying it to try and scare/control you) he wouldn't stand a chance

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HattyMonkey · 30/05/2014 21:27

If you have a police report and the messages legal aid is available in cases of domestic violence.

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christmasmammy · 30/05/2014 21:29

HattyMonkey.

He hasn't hit me just smashed the house up etc, i did have a message from him that said 'isn't it better that i smash things up and vent my anger that way than hitting someone' or words to that effect. Does this still count as domestic violence ?

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HattyMonkey · 30/05/2014 21:33

DV takes many forms. I really think you have nothing to worry about and agree with other posters about the police. Tell him not to contact you again and if he does start a harrassment case with them. Once he has no response from you he will go away people like him always do. Many members here will testify to this.

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EverythingCounts · 30/05/2014 22:21

He is on record with the police as being violent and threatening. That is a big strike against him. Even if it hasn't (in your case) been against a person yet, how could anybody considering custody be sure he wouldn't cross that line? Plus as the baby hasn't yet been born he can't even claim any kind of existing bond or pattern of taking care of his child. Pp are right - he doesn't actually want this and is just doing it to fuck with your head. But it won't work. See a solicitor, tell your midwife and HV everything, and keep records of all abusive conversations, texts, the lot. It will all show what a dick he is and not to be trusted with a child.

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PleaseJustShootMeNow · 31/05/2014 10:20

Don't engage with him at all except through official channels. If he texts you, don't reply. Don't get drawn into his games. He wants a response, don't give it to him. So long as he can see he is having an effect on you he will keep it up. If you ignore him completely (apart from reporting to police, solicitor etc) he'll get bored and give up.

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