Dd refusing to visit father

[MurtleTheTurtle]

I have changed some details here in case anything should make me identifiable in real life.

I'd really appreciate any opinions here, apologies in advance for the length of my post - I have 4DC, my first was to a somewhat abusive man who wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy, insisted on a termination and was awful to me when I refused. He saw DD for a couple of weeks after birth then nothing (we didn't live together or even nearby) When she was 7 months old I relocated several hundred miles away for family support, he did not object.

We heard nothing from him until she was 2 when he applied for a contact order - a lengthy court process followed which led to supervised contact in a contact centre for 18 months (he admitted to some physical abuse towards me and being unable to control his temper) followed by gradually increasing unsupervised and then staying contact.

We have a court order which is undefined but says I have residence and must make her available for regular contact, to include staying contact. In reality he has her every other sat am to sun pm and approx half of school holidays but he is always pushing for more.

The issue is that's she has never really bonded with him and seems to actively dislike him. This was documented during the court process and has actually got much worse. Her behaviour is deteriorating and she blames me for making her go with him. In the past I have physically forced her to go (gently, but firmly) but she is getting too big for this. I have always encouraged contact as I want her to be happy and she has to see him so I'd rather she did so happily and willingly, I certainly don't try to sabotage contact in any way. She has had a CAMHS referral over this (her behaviour / upset over contact) but they were unable to help as she wasn't mentally ill (their words).

She is due to go to him tomorrow, today she is hysterical, refusing to go. I have to drive to a certain place and hand her over and I've just had to let him know she is refusing to go (to save him travelling all day for nothing). He will be very angry and will blame me as he will not accept that she doesn't want to see him - she says he is nasty to her if she says she doesn't want to see him so she doesn't tell him.

This is the first time in 6 years I've stopped contact and while I'm not directly contravening a court order as it is not detailed I am really nervous. Should I refer back to the court to have the order reviewed? I'm worried as she is so young that her voice won't be heard and I'll be seen as obstructive.

[clam]

What a nightmare for you both. Can you say how old she is? I know that a child I taught a couple of years ago decided she didn't want to see her father (abuse to mother) and the courts listened to her view and allowed her to take a break for a while. She was 8. I believe she changed her mind a few months later and contact resumed.

[EmptyNestAgain]

Were Cafcass involved last time? If so, you may be able to get them to update the report.

[Noregrets78]

My DD is 9 and has also refused to see her Dad. I believe this is the very early age of when their views are taken account of in court, although ours has not gone to court. Our situation is different, in that she has known her Dad throughout her life so far. Sadly that means she's also seen him in action.

The way I think of it, and explain it to her is:
My job is to do what's best for her. If she doesn't want to see her Dad, I need to understand why. If, after listening and understanding, I still think it's in her best interests to see her Dad, then I will encourage her to do so.

On the other hand, if I hear her, and agree she's best not seeing him, then I won't force her.

This has been like a weight lifting, knowing that I won't force her. If she has valid worries, then it could really feel like a betrayal, you making her go. Sounds as if she may not be clearly articulating what her concerns are? The fact that she's expecting him to be angry indicates a degree of fear which might be worth digging into. Also - the fact they are having to choose not to see their Dad is really upsetting to them - listening to them, understanding, but then making the choice for them, can be the least painful as it relieves the burden from their shoulders.

Not sure about the courts - but in our case, her fear was deemed to be a very valid reason by SS.

Push for more help with your DD - I agree CAMHS / doctors are unwilling to turn it into a medical matter if not deemed necessary. But if there is just a third party (someone at school?) who she can really open up to, it could help release the pressure and allow her to speak more freely.

Ended up being a long reply! And sorry I'm not legally experienced which is presumably what you wanted, posting in legal...
All the best for you, and your DD's well being.

[piplilly]

Hi Turtle
I don't have any advice but I am heading towards the same situation as you, so I will watch your post with interest. I too have a DD aged 10 and she is under a contact order. She is hysterical before she goes most visits but I have acted the same as you - due to knowing my Exh will blame me and head straight back to court. She does calm down by the time he arrives but I then worry all weekend until she is home. She is scared of him as she says he gets angry if she mentions me or not wanting to go. There is no physical harm just the fear of his temper. She wont let me say or do anything as she doesn't want to upset him. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.
I hope you get the answers you need.

[Noregrets78]

pip good luck too. They just want us to magically fix it without making their Dad angry. Rock and a hard place comes to mind!

[MurtleTheTurtle]

Wow, I really didn't expect anyone to understand, I always get told just that it's in the child's best interests to see their father.

She is almost 8 so very young to be allowed to decide for herself but hopefully not too young to be heard in some way.

It's like a weight has lifted from her and she has slept peacefully for once. She doesn't articulate too clearly what it is that upsets her just that she doesn't like him, he gets angry with her etc if she were an adult what she is describing would be termed 'walking on eggshells' for fear of upsetting him.

She has written notes before asking not to go and others have witnessed her unwillingness to go with him.

He has been texting saying it's all my doing, it's me she's afraid of etc and insisting that he's coming for her anyway and he expects me to be there with her.

I think I might just take the bull by the horns and apply to the court to have staying contact suspended while this is sorted out and ask for a revised CAFCASS report (she was about 3 when the last one was done). It could backfire though and he could end up with a more detailed contact order which would take it right out of my hands.

Have a feeling it's going to be a very difficult day ahead.

[dragofly]

I am several years down the line having been in a similar situation and would strongly recommend that you stop the contact with the father as soon as possible and do everything to prevent further contact. If your daughter does not want to go it is probably for a good reason. It is only now I am discovering the harm done as my daughter is having psychotherapy. She may not be able to put in to words why she does not want to go but when she is older and can express it you do not want to look back like I am doing and wish you had done more.

[edamsavestheday]

Sorry to hear that, dragofly, sounds very distressing.

Murtle, how are things going now? Hope everything's OK.