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Contact order help ASAP

(17 Posts)
RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 20:25:44

I've just received an email from my LO's father. Stating he will be restarting court proceedings.

The court ended court proceedings in October 2013 due to the contact being extremely distressing and upsetting to my LO They stated that due to his age they can't force this upon him and that their is nothing the courts can do.

I'd take him to contact and he'd cry as soon as he'd be in the room, to the point where contact consisted of where I had to be in the room and he had to be in the waiting room and he'd still be crying for the following 5 days my son would cry to the point he was sick if I went anywhere out of site, he wouldn't eat or sleep in his bed without me.

He then stopped paying for contact at the centre and stated he wanted to come to my home. Due to DV and EA I refused this and said that someone else had to be present.

The court's said he could re-apply once circumstances have changed (which they haven't) He's now saying he's going to apply back to court to get visitation and shared residence. My son's seen him for about 5 hours tops (he refused contact from when he was born to he was a year old) where one hour he wouldn't leave me, the other hour he was asleep, the rest I spent the hour in the room and he was in the waiting room.

Are the courts likely to grant this given the fact circumstance haven't changed. My LO still doesn't leave my side, doesn't go to nursery etc and I've never left him bar my admittance to hospital Which he tried to use as evidence as contempt of court hmm

Any advice?

I've just received an email which went like this;



Just a message to ask if you are willing to go to mediation. Before I file against you and start court proceedings again

I will be starting proceedings within the next couple of days"

"You can re-apply to the Contact Centre in XXXX

Contact will be in there until my son is ready to progress out of it."

" 're the question ( mediation ) yes or no ?

Yes then I will arrange a mediator
No then I will 're start court proceedings

Our son is nearly two years old and you have begrudge and (alienated) from his father"

There is a court order stating that there was to be no contact

RalphLaurenLover Mon 31-Mar-14 23:39:14

Latest email explains in his words why he wants to go to mediation

Mediation might help so we can get to the bottom of why things are the way they are as to why you hate me so when I have done Nouthing untoward and why you won't let me be apart of XXX life."

I explained to him that mediation is not a therapy session and that I have already offered to let him see my LO and he point blank ignored the point. I have also stated that I will only be discussing the contact centre contact I proposed and not my feelings hmm

FamilyMag Mon 31-Mar-14 23:52:12

First step, see a solicitor. Assuming you have some evidence of the DV you will be eligible for legal aid; if not, try and get a free half hour with a family specialist. Your ex has every right to make the application but that doesn't mean the court will grant it. If they consider that little has changed since the last proceedings then they will make no order.

Mediation is not considered appropriate where there has been DV, but again that will come down to whether you have some evidence.

My personal opinion, based on what I would think if your case was before me (with just what you've said) then no, I wouldn't be keen to grant contact. If I thought contact should start, then it would definitely be at a contact centre and he would have to pay. But, there are two sides to every story and the court will have to go on what is placed in front of them.

Get proper advice based on your circumstances, and don't panic! The court process will take time, and he may just be yanking your chain...

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 00:07:59

Hi Family Mag

I'm the same person just NC, it's the same man you helped me on here

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 00:13:46


TestingTestingWonTooFree Tue 01-Apr-14 06:30:19

He hasn't identified any change of circumstances specifically. At some point a Court would be willing to try again but it sounds too soon.

I would not let these emails go unchallenged. If you can't get a solicitor, write a brief, factual, business like reply to him. Acknowledge his email, say mediation not appropriate because of his violent and abusive behaviour in the past, reassure him that you do not speak negatively about him to your (and I would say "our") son, but nothing has changed since contact was stopped.

His suggestion of shared residence is ludicrous and demonstrates that he does not have your son's interests at heart.

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 10:14:54

Thank you.

He wants contact outside of a contact centre which is something I am not prepared to do.

How would I go about writing this letter? He doesn't. Know where I live or have any phone numbers for me so how would he serve papers for me?

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 19:25:08

I spoke to a mediation service myself and my old solicitor & the court who held the case who both confirmed contact will have to be done In the contact centre I informed Ds's father and this is his response

"As far as the contact center it's still un affordable and always will be. It's taken me 5 months to save enough money to start court proceedings again so the 180 an hour for mediation is also out of reach.


So nothing has changed he still is refusing to pay for the centre and expects me to hand him over 3 nights a week and 2 days.

Nothing has changed hmm

OurMiracle1106 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:32:27

Go to mediation. Ask for separate initial appointments to see the mediator. Explain the circumstances and go from there. When my ex realised that I was being entirely reasonable and the mediators weren't going to side with him and tell me otherwise (he wanted contact at my house despite me having left him due to violence, threats on my life and stabbing me so I requested supervised contact and separate rooms for mediation which can be done)

If you go to mediation. Are reasonable. Ie say you woll allow a contact centre, any abuse during contact will result in contact being terminated early and reviewed then if he does take you to court you aren't blocking access and the judge is more likely to see your point of view. If you feel intimidated or pressured by him ask for seperate rooms. They can and will in DV cases do shuttle mediation

OurMiracle1106 Tue 01-Apr-14 19:34:11

Can I also add that even if he does take it to court I was advised by my solicitor they would probably send you for mediation before making a judgement

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 19:39:06

I've arranged my mediation separate he is now refusing to pay for his as he is saying it's too expensive,

My solicitor has advised me it will be in a contact centre and supervised as it never got past that point and courts will start from the beginning. He can't apply for court until he's attended mediation now.

It's just a joke with him

OurMiracle1106 Tue 01-Apr-14 20:25:22

If he has money to take you to court the court won't see it as being too expensive as court is more expensive than mediation

RalphLaurenLover Tue 01-Apr-14 20:33:37

He thinks he can apply to court and skip mediation. When he can't be won't listen to anyone

FamilyMag Wed 02-Apr-14 10:59:38

Hi Ralph smile. I'm not sure it sounds like you need to do anything: if he's been told the court won't hear his application until he's been to mediation and he won't go to mediation then he's not going to get very far. And I just can't see any way that, in your circumstances, contact other than supervised in a contact centre would be ordered.

But I can just imagine the stress this is causing you, which I suspect is why he's doing it. Of course, if he keeps down this path while showing no other indications that he's interested in your DS, it's going to backfire on him. We are very aware of abusers using the courts to continue abusing their former partners, and your judge will be most displeased at his court being used in this way.

Deep breath: in through your nose and out through your mouth... take care of yourself.

RalphLaurenLover Wed 02-Apr-14 13:17:38

Thank you FamilyMag!

You've been very helpful throughout this long long process!

I'm going to sit and wait because i can't do anything to he goes to mediation or files for court

Thanks again for everything

FamilyMag Wed 02-Apr-14 14:59:03

I'm happy to help! Honestly, I can see how stressful, difficult and complicated the whole process is, so if I can explain at all why things happen the way they do, then I'm pleased.

I think you're right to sit tight. He's the one with the work to do, he's the one that there are expectations of, and he's the one that has so far been found wanting.

Keep hanging in there!

EvaEvii Wed 02-Apr-14 18:53:39

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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