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ex partner has taken DS and refusing to give back

(20 Posts)
Calvinconi Wed 13-Nov-13 18:44:35

You probably have been reasonable to a reasonable person but if he has psychological problems then no doubt it is internalised differently. Have you heard of mediation? Have you read up on PTSD and how to act towards someone with it? Have you considered a psychologist as an alternative?
Thing is a person with psychological problems will likely behave a lot worse when courts etc are involved. Every little thing taken out of context etc. Anyway if you read the book on the link I sent its sooo useful in learning ways to communicate which help reduce conflict and I read up a little of PTSD and I think it would be useful for you.
Speaking from a personal point of view I found out a lot of things but reading up on my exes problems and how she might think and internalise things which were very far from reality or how it was intended. For example, if someone said I was a good dad and pointed out something I was doing which was good. She would internalise this as a critisism of her because she didnt do it. Then she would react to me like trying to stop me from doing whatever it was because it made her feel bad because she projected that bad feeling onto to me and blamed me for it. That is very hard to understand when you are just doing what comes natural. like for example singing to my baby daughter when changing her nappy. Completely normal thing to do and mind boggling that my ex would start screaming at me to shut up and calling me mental for singing and talking to a baby who couldnt understand me as she couldnt yet talk. Very difficult to understand why the mother wasnt talking to the baby or why she would react that way. However, when you understand not bonding, maternal depression and low self esteem it becomes clearer. Kind of feeling like she ought to be doing it as she was the mother and should have all these magical abilities and skills appear the instant the baby is born. Feeling guilty as she hadnt bonded. Feel like she was a bad mother etc. When you understand what is going on internally with her in that perspective you begin to understand why she acted that way. However when you dont know, its traumatic and mind boggling to think that she wasnt talking to her baby and that she would shout at me for doing so. Luckily she has bonded since then and I have learnt to be careful how I talk about things so that I dont appear to be critical or showing her up etc. Its quite complicated at first but it can be done. I dont know enough about PTSD to give you advice but I think the charity Mind might be able to help you to find ways to deal with some of the problems. I just think that court will make things a lot worse for you as its an awful system. Designed to set you against each other while judges and lawyer line their pockets at the expense of your misery. I always think that people splitting up are in a difficult place and they should be given help through therapy etc rather set against each other in a right / wrong , black / white system of the courts.

wontletmesignin Sat 09-Nov-13 00:45:47

Thank you moulding and noregrets :-)

Calvin - I have to say i think i am being more than reasonable in my decision in this case.
I got my injunction, and a letter is being sent to arrange for contact for next weekend.

I really dont knkw where i have stated that i wasnt allowing contact?
His ptsd was not from war. It is actually quite possible that he has lied about it as he is a compulsive liar.
Although, he told a neighbor he was in the army, when he was not. So i suppose, in his head - he may have been to an imaginary war.

Anyway... i am agreeing to contact. Contact where his parents must be present as i have seen him with my own two eyes be overly aggressive with my ds.
My children are my main priority and it would be extremely irresponsible of me to accept contact in any other way.
As i say, i think i am being more than reasonable considering.
If i didnt believe it was important for my son to have his dad in his life. After the things he has done, i would tell him to swivel on it.

I am only doing this for my ds

Noregrets78 Fri 08-Nov-13 12:15:21

calvin no-one goes for court at the first hurdle, and as molding says, the OP has another thread which has more detail. Neither PTSD nor cannibis withdrawal are an excuse for the way her ex has behaved towards her, and her children, over the long-term. Unfortunately not all men are as keen on sitting down rationally, and sometimes court is used quite rightly to defend people like OP.

moldingsunbeams Fri 08-Nov-13 09:23:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calvinconi Fri 08-Nov-13 08:39:44

Where is the love empathy and understanding in all this? By love I dont mean romantic love but the acceptance and understanding of each other as human beings?
Fighting each other in court is a path to destruction for all of you.
What do you want at the end of the day? Would it not be better to try to construct some kind of working relationship where you both help each other out? Isnt that what is best for you, your kid and of course your ex? Dont you want your child to grow up with a dad? I mean ultimately wouldnt you like that he is fully involved, helps you out when you need it and you him? Isnt that what is best for the child?
You say he has PTSD so that means he went through some traumatic experiences, I guess he got sent on one of these sick wars and witnessed death, injury to his friends others and maybe women and children. This seriously affected him.Why cos he was willing to stand on a wall and put his life and health on the line for others?I dont agree with the lying governments who creat this sick wars but I have a deep respect for the common people who suffer as a result, whether it is a young man from our country or any other or a woman or child in foriegn fields. What is the court experience going to do to him? More stress to someone with PTSD. I dont think its a good idea. You say he is withdrawing from Cannabis but you could also see that as him trying to sort his life out. OK he has not acted well by not returning your child when he should. I understand this might stress and upset you. But why did he want another day? Did he just need to be with his child a little longer? Did he have something special he wanted to do?
The things is I went through all this court business with my ex and she did some awful stuff. In the end I just stood him and said NO. No more of this conflict. I will not respond. I will not use a lawyer. I will only enter a defence in court to false accusations and nothing more.
Sit down and talk it out. I studied something called Non violent communication and yes I reacted to the name like, I am not violent, I dont shout or swear or want to cause anyone pain. But if you study it too you will understand that there are ways we can learn to communicate which creates an understanding between us as human beings. Its a fabulous way to think, not only does it reduce conflict but it reduces your stress and anger when someone does something which at first you dont understand.
Please take the time to read it and start in the journey of building a constructive, understanding helpful business like relationship with your ex because ultimately it will make all your lives better, happier and more constructive. You can read the book for free on here

STIDW Wed 06-Nov-13 18:33:25

That is good news, and I'm glad you have consulted a family solicitor. This is a family law issue rather than one for the police.

wontletmesignin Wed 06-Nov-13 14:25:10

I have hkm back now wooohooo! Have been to solicitors and things are in motion :-)

Thants Wed 06-Nov-13 07:47:22

Go to the nursery tomorrow morning and take him then. Or go to your exes house now.

SweetCarolinePomPomPom Wed 06-Nov-13 07:40:25

I have no idea bout an old thread, I was just referring to what was said in this thread. I thought you were jumping to conclusions, so perhaps the apology should be mine. smile

sharpesttool Wed 06-Nov-13 07:06:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I would go straight to the courts, you can complete the forms for a prohibited steps order and residency order a d see the judge today, it will cost £200 for the application to be put in front of the judge, but if you are on certain benefits you can get these waived... I would self represent without a solicitor and remember honesty always wins out in the end, I have been through the court system for years with my ex and have always been honest where he has lied but the
Judges and cafcass have seen through the lies... I have always found self representing gets more respect from the judges than going in with a solicitor! The judge should send a court bailiff with the papers to be served on your ex giving him a time scale to return your boy.

Good luck x

SweetCarolinePomPomPom Wed 06-Nov-13 06:39:15

sharpes she has not said so far that he is violent. she has also not said that he issued a death threat - just that there was a death threat.

sharpesttool Wed 06-Nov-13 06:29:31

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wontletmesigninagain1 Tue 05-Nov-13 23:50:12

he didn't take my ds to nursery today. he said he would take him tomorrow to the nursery.
then told me he would take him tomorrow. then told me he isn't. then told me i'm never seeing him again. over their dead bodies would i get to see him again.
claiming im using my child as a, when i don't even have him. they took him after i claimed i no longer wanted to be in a relationship.
am i not seeing things clearly here?
am i able to use a child as a pawn when i don't actually have him, nor have i stated that nobody will be restricted from seeing him.
they have stated this though - aren't they the ones using him as a pawn?

anyway, after ignoring his, his mams, and next door neighbours repeated phone calls ( after i received a death threat), and text messages. i got a text asking me to ring as he wants to sort out dropping my ds off at nursery tomorrow.

who is playing games here? i am far too tired to be playing games.
i just want my son back in nursery, back to normality and back in his home!

moldingsunbeams Tue 05-Nov-13 10:24:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

moldingsunbeams Tue 05-Nov-13 10:13:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lostdad Tue 05-Nov-13 09:01:08

`i have been told that if i state it is domestic violence, i will be entitled.'
Not anymore.

Since the changes to legal aid you will need a letter of admittance from a refuge, a letter from a doctor or other health professional to say you have injuries consistent with domestic violence, your ex being charged with domestic violence, etc. You can't just say it is domestic violence any more.

I would suggest you think very carefully about taking this matter to court. Something clearly needs to be done here but take the matter to court and you are handing your child's fate over to the courts and legal professionals. Talk to your ex no matter how difficult it may be because it is almost always better than the alternative.

If he refuses to hand your DS back you will have no option to go to court however - this is the same situation a lot of dads are in (I am a member of FNF and a McKenzie Friend) so it's something I see on a daily basis.

For the record if I were advising him I'd be telling him this is a spectacularly and non child-focused idea, that he's risking contact and that he is seriously asking for trouble by doing this.

Butterytoast Tue 05-Nov-13 07:08:07

If you have immediate concerns for your sons welfare contact the police and request a welfare check. You can also phone social services and advise of your concerns

Collaborate Tue 05-Nov-13 06:36:12

You'll only get LA on DV grounds if you've had some action in the last 2 years, like a conviction or injunction , or if your doctor can write a letter confirming you've suffered DV in the last 2 years , or a social worker has assessed you as a DV victim in this time.
You should apply to court for a residence order, prohibited steps order (eg that he doesn't keep your son beyond agreed times) and a contact order.

wontletmesignin Mon 04-Nov-13 22:53:53

what can i do regarding this matter ??

i have been informed from his mother, via text. that my ds will be dropped off at nursery on wed.
he was supposed to be dropped off tomorrow for me to pick him up.
she says he will not stop me from seeing my child, and will give him back.
but all i have heard from him is the opposite.
the added extra day, is also making me wonder.

why the extra day?

i have phoned solicitors, and i have an appointment tomorrow. but i have no money, and they are telling me that i am not entitled to legal aid.
i have been told that if i state it is domestic violence, i will be entitled.

what do i do, if he doesn't bring my ds back on wed??
what grounds do i have to go on, considering he also has PR?

he also has severe PTSD, and is withdrawing from cannabis at this moment in time

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