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welfare of unborn baby- can any solicitor/law MNers advise?

(90 Posts)
honey86 Fri 28-Jun-13 18:59:09

its a long story but heres my situation...

im a mum of 3 kids, whos father died 4 years ago... he was a decent bloke and even when our relationship was on the rocks, access to the kids was easy and positive. they are all happy and settled with me at home, well provided for.

last year i started a relationship with my now ex. (hes divorced with his ex wife who wont allow access over verbal abuse)
it started great but over 6 months his behaviour got really erratic. he dumped me twice (excuse: he saw his dd in town, felt low and hid in his flat for a week on both occasions).
both times we got back together once he 'pulled himself together'. its been rocky since as i got sick of picking up the pieces for his mental health problems. but it was bearable and i stuck with him in the hope that hell change. i fell preg. since i got preg, he changed for the worse, he got controlling, started the mental abuse n mind games, telling me im not looking after the kids right etc. everytime i mentioned ending it, he threatened me with court, saying hell get custody of the baby.

about 6 weeks ago, we had a row cos i didnt ring him before i went to sleep. he turned up at my house wanting to row further. i told him no as im not rowing in front of my 4yo daughter ( who was in the car waiting to go to her aunts). i said no and turned on my engine to leave. he said 'so your driving away from me now then' i said 'well yeah i am actually'.
to which he said 'ok, see u in court and look forward to having social services on your back'
at that point i snapped and finally said its over, as im not having my bereaved kids used as weapons amongst other things.

since then, he :

- put in malicious allegations to social services about me and my family, after i refused to get back with him (i kept the texts in which he admits he was wrong for that n that he did it cos i drove away). social services accepted it was malicious and took no further action.

-spread hate about me and my family to others and online, and has been warned to stop harrassing me by my solicitor. police were called on 2 occasions.

-threatened to have my baby taken from me at birth, and bragged that when he goes to court to get pr, he can refuse to give me the child back after contact as long as he can provide for him, and theres nothing i can do to stop him.

-has said he planned to run abroad with his dd when he gets contact (he hasnt seen her for 2yrs).

-hasnt bothered to sort his issues out, just continued to slag me off. hes still trying to wind me up saying baby will support x team when he gets custody, his mate posting that hes going to help him get custody.

-his demands are unreasonable. no other males are to have contact with, or ever discipline his child, including family and even if they are naughty in their care. the child must go to a different school in a different area to my 3. he wants overnights with the baby from birth. the list goes on.

-i have worries about the babys welfare. hes not emotionally stable at once and cant think straight when hes upset. hes in alot of debt but spanks his wages up the wall then relies on others to bail him out. his personal hygiene has become poor and he smells awful. i strongly feel that he would not hand the child back after contact or even run off with him. i think his anger, possessiveness and depression will cause so many problems and worry itll ruin my baby emotionally.

hes already tried to have my kids lives disrupted by child protection for revenge already and its not fair on any of them to be brought up around that. i just want my baby to have a good start with no bullshit a positive atmosphere. i dont intend to put him on the bc or be around cos i just think theres too much risk to my kids (all 4), in the way of welfare, mentally and by the threat of abduction.

ive been told by alot of ppl (mostly dads and pro-dads rights people) that he can 'easily' get pr and i should prepare for him to get contact too. so i feel im being trapped into handing my baby to him.
i honestly think he will fully abuse his 'rights' and use his pr to control me.

my main question is: if hes serious and applied to court for pr and contact:

- will i be given the chance to contest it, or will my reasons at least be taken into account before handing him pr?

- what will happen once he submits his court order forms?

-will cafcass definately get involved?

-if he still gets unsupervised contact, is there anything i can do to prevent him abducting, refusing to hand him back after contact or trying parental alienation? to protect myself and my baby from his games?

- if he applies for a residence order, how likely is it that he'll be granted it?

sorry for such a long post, but im so distracted by this and its stressing me out. i feel like i just cant relax and enjoy my pregnancy for the worry of what hell do, what he has up his sleeve when i give birth.sad im 22 weeks, social services, homestart, police and the midwives/hv are aware of it.
i need someone who knows the real facts and deals with it, to advise and not anyone whos just going to force more fathers rights biased stuff down my throat.

thanks x

honey86 Tue 16-Jul-13 21:24:02

so would that give him an advantage in court then?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Tue 16-Jul-13 21:48:18

The name? Not at all. But it's a weird thing to do. You don't want this guy to have a major role in the child's life, so why give it his name? Apart from this ridiculous idea that children should have their father name no matter what? The child is joining your family, so give him your family name.

ProphetOfDoom Tue 16-Jul-13 22:13:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

honey86 Tue 16-Jul-13 23:11:09

gerrrr im so torn shock it just doesnt sit right giving him my late partners name when he isnt his... and baby has a sister who has fuckwits name....

i hate my maiden name always have done hence why i changed it...
i just thought cos hes threatened court, i know he'll accuse parental alienation n say i did it maliciously etc etc, i thought that giving him his bio dads name would kindof disprove that ("do you really think i would give him his surname if i was" kindof scenerio). and from what ive heard, the courts need to see im child focussed. ie; thinking of what the child would want.

i absolutely do not intend to have him on the birth certificate... but i was told by my sis that having his surname would make it easier for him to get pr, as rather than having to do a dna test he could just point out that the baby has his surname :/

gawd im so confused i dont know if im looking into it too much or what confused sorry if im rabbiting on.

FiftyShadesofGreyMatter Tue 16-Jul-13 23:32:17

Gosh I would absolutely not give the child his surname in this situation.

3birthdaybunnies Tue 16-Jul-13 23:35:29

I'm not an expert but I would have thought for a child it would be better to share your and their sibling's name. You're never going to change it to his name. Less questions when younger, stops them being excluded, you can show in other ways that you are letting them understand their roots. They have the chance to change it when they're older. Do you think your late husband's parents would mind you using it in the circumstances? What would he say, he sounds as if he was a good an understanding man who would want to protect you & your children.

honey86 Wed 17-Jul-13 00:11:55

i wouldnt like to say... his mum sadly died a couple years before he did and his dad hasnt bothered with any of his grandkids for 3 years... i dont think theyd be angry but theyd prob find it wierd as he isnt the dad...

what about hyphenating it, with my name first... or is that just as bad ? :/

3birthdaybunnies Wed 17-Jul-13 07:33:05

It doesn't sound as if the grandfather would even notice, so I would just use it, how often would he be using their full name anyway. It might be different if they lived around the corner and were looking after them all for you and doing school runs etc. It will be easier for you to share surnames at school/travel/drs etc. There are plenty of other ways to acknowledge him, is the twat father's name one which could be passed off as a middle name? Or use one of his first names as a middle name? When your child grows up and discovers more about the biological father they are unlikely to be proud that they share his surname.

Skintorama Wed 17-Jul-13 08:10:58

There is no way I would give your child his surname. That is one of the maddest things I have ever heard.

Your surname is YOUR surname, not your ex's, it's the surname you and your DC share. Don't ostracise your new baby by giving it a different surname to you and its siblings.

My two eldest DC have my exH's surname on their birth certs and passports. They haven't seen him for seven years, he's not interested in them, but when I applied to the court to change their name to our family name he refused to grant permission. Don't put your child in that position.

namechangeforaclue Wed 17-Jul-13 08:39:27

Hi there,
I gave my newest dd my ex husbands name (if you want to look at it like that)
I don't, it is my name, I took it when we married, I gave my children that name when they were born and had been called it for ten yrs.
When I had my newest child, my DP knew the baby would be having my name, the name of her brothers and sisters.
I will not change my name when I get remarried so all my children will always have my name, as it should be.
Do not give your child someone else's name particularly a someone who will not be involved in there life.
Why would you choose that link for your unborn child based on a tradtion?
You want your child to know their roots, you tell them their roots. Their name doesn't make any difference to where they come from (where they come from is you btw and if this man is to have no contact then you will be your childs roots)
I had objections from pretty much everyone ranging from people will think your ex is the childs father, (nope no one has. They think her dad is her dad.)
To she won't be able to trace her family tree, (she will because she will know her fathers name. So if she chooses to she can.)
Both of those gems came from people on here.
But most like you said it just felt wrong.
I think that mostly comes down to ownership of a nane.
These people felt that I did not own my name it was loaned to me by my husband and therefore I had no right to use it.
Some people told me I needed to ask his permission. .. to use my name.
I was furious at the thought that people felt I was not human enough to have a name I choose for myself.
Once I was not married anymore I should obviously go back to my maiden/fathers name.
It is crazy, that was a bit of a side bar. But I now think all children should have there mums name. As a general rule if a relationship breaks down it is the mother that is RP so it makes sense to have the children in her name.
If your name is that of the childrens still then bring your child in to your family by giving him/ her your name.
It is not your husbands name it is yours. Don't do something based on tradtion or other peoples expectation.
Do what is right for you anf your family.

namechangeforaclue Wed 17-Jul-13 08:43:16

Equally though. I don't think your child having a different name from you or its siblings will damage or hurt your family. It definitely will not ostracise your child.
My brother name was different to mine and my mums name was different after she remarried. It didn't have any impact on our family life.
A name does not make a family.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 18-Jul-13 00:35:22

Give the baby your name but, as s/he grows up, don't pretend that the baby has the same father as the other DC. Do tell the truth but in a simple, kind, age-appropriate way - that youngest DC has a different daddy but some daddys are not good at being parents so we don't see him. As long as you emphasise that youngest DC is as much loved as all the others and not in any way at fault for having a bad daddy, it will be fine.

honey86 Thu 18-Jul-13 10:05:52

thanks sounds like a plan.. as much as i hate him for the hurt hes caused i dont intend to slag him off to the baby.... my mum did that and i hated it....
ive got my social worker visit later... bit nervous :/

showtunesgirl Thu 18-Jul-13 21:11:52

How did it go OP?

honey86 Thu 18-Jul-13 22:03:25

shes happy with how me, the kids and the pregnancy are, looked around my house n looked at where the baby will be sleeping, clothes, toys etc... i gave her letters n info bout dd's kidney defect, treatment etc... showed her the parenting courses n work ive done with the kids since they last saw me... and the notes/incident record i kept... explained as much as i could about fw's behaviour and threats...

she said shes going to contact the professionals involved- schools, health visitor, midwife, psychologist etc but cos fw is the dad of this baby she needs to talk to him too. ive signed a consent form for her to do whatever checks necessary. i think the worst the school would say is theyve been late a couple times (kids messing about in the mornings), and ive been working with my health visitor regularly anyway to keep an eye on dd's condition.

shes advised me to get a residency order to prevent him from abducting the baby... but im not sure if i should wait til he applies for contact before i do, or to get it done straight after birth. i havent a clue how to go to court.

what im worried about now is that fw will see having a named social worker as a ticket to easier allegation making, try to turn her against me in favour of him and reel out aload of lies. hes very good at making people trust him. he'll probably use this as a way of causing disruption, and claim to the court that they are involved because of me, not him.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 19-Jul-13 02:37:02

Honey, talk to Women's Aid. They will help and advise you. At the moment, you are so scared of this man that you are seeing him as some superpowered monster, when he's just a loser who can be forcibly kept away. The social worker and other people have been advising you to take out court orders against him - do it. There's nothing to be torn or conflicted about, just use all the support in place to keep him away, because he's a bad person you don't need.

Madlizzy Fri 19-Jul-13 11:19:33

This social worker is working with you, not him. She's there to support you and will easily help you refute any allegations he makes. Give the baby your name, because it is yours just as much as it was your husband's. You can give the baby whatever name you choose. This man actually has now power over you, and now he knows this, he makes the empty threats to try and regain it. Stay strong and work with the agencies who are there to help you.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Fri 19-Jul-13 12:39:22

This social worker is working with you, not him. She's there to support you

Sorry but that's wrong. The social worker is there to support and safeguard the children and will listen to both parents equally. However I can assure you that most social workers are quite able to spot and identify abusers and they are likely to start from a position of assuming belief towards you unless you disclose anything that undermines that.

honey86 Fri 19-Jul-13 13:38:07

disclose something to undermine that? what do you mean? such as what?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Fri 19-Jul-13 17:32:16

I mean, the social worker will not assume you are lying about his abusive behaviour, she will be disposed to believe you unless you tell her something that causes her to think you are lying or being malicious. Not suggesting that you are, by the way.

Madlizzy Fri 19-Jul-13 19:35:35

She is working with her though, supporting and safeguarding the children, and the OP is working with her too as they want the same outcome - the children safe and well.

honey86 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:25:10

thats all i expect though tbh for her to see him for how he is n help safeguard my baby from being used as a control/abuse tactic n to prevent his dads issues messing him up. stability and happiness for my kids. all he does is cause disruption and hurt, even his own family dontlike him being around. i didnt think before the possible reasons why his ex cut contact with his dd i know now blush

tbf this particular social worker has worked with me before (after dcs dad passed away) so she knows all about me x

honey86 Sat 20-Jul-13 20:14:29

any ideas of what the social worker would be talking to him about? from what ive been told, he has no rights, at least until he goes to court.. so why do they need to involve him right now?
cant help but worry its going to give him the opportunity to lie even more and get to me mentally. thats how he works. i know i prob sound pathetic but thats how anxious he makes me.. cos i just never know what hes got up his sleeve.. what tactics he'll use next to try and ruin my life. hes made it clear already that he'll be happy to use my innocent kids as a weapon. sad

SolidGoldBrass Sat 20-Jul-13 23:27:19

Honey, honestly, the law and the social workers are on your side. There is plenty of evidence that this man is a prick; they are not going to take any notice of his accusations because there is evidence that he is malicious and not to be trusted. Remember, you are completely entitled to cut off contact with him at the moment. He has no rights at all until the baby is born, and even when the baby arrives you can keep him at a distance. It might even be possible to get him registered as a 'vexatious litigant', which is a person who keeps trying to take other people to court purely out of malice - once a judge has ruled that someone is a vexatious litigant, that person is banned from bringing court cases.

Mumoftwoyoungkids Tue 23-Jul-13 12:39:08

Are you in contact with his ex? Ie the mother of his daughter? I think it would be useful if you two could share information.

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