Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have any legal concerns we suggest you consult a solicitor.

Cannot get unfaithful H to leave

(46 Posts)
MayYouBloomAndGrow Thu 25-Apr-13 10:25:30

I have informed my cheating H that I am commencing the divorce process, but he doesn't seem to want to leave.

As far as I am aware, he is still involved with OW, and thus has a willing and open pair of legs arms into which to fall. She has her own house, and (AFAIK) has made it clear that he is welcome to move in with her.

For at least a year he has been telling me he is "leaning towards" leaving. I reached the stage a long time ago where I have told him to go if that's what he wants. It seems that the more I tell him to go, the more he wants to stay.

I outright asked him to leave a few weeks ago, and was told to "go whistle" and "it's my house". He is away on a work trip (with OW) currently, and I sent an e-mail telling him I was starting the divorce. He responded that he thinks "there is still room for discussion here", and that his address for correspondence is still our home address because he has "no reason to make it any other".

I am completely floored by this. I have assumed for a long time that he didn't want to be seen as the bad guy and was therefore waiting and hoping that I would ask him to leave, divorce him, whatever. I cannot believe that he is stubborn enough to stay even through the divorce process, and I cannot imagine what OW might be thinking although have little sympathy.

What are my options here? Do I actually have any options apart from ploughing ahead with the divorce? Can anyone shed any light on his mindset, or what legal advice HE may have received?

The house is in his name so I know he technically has a legal right to live here until the divorce process and financials are complete. I have registered matrimonial home rights, and received legal advice re financials. There has been no significant violence. There are 2 DCs involved, a toddler and one in primary school.

The temptation to remove his stuff in bin bags is immense, but I don't think I'm legally allowed to and fear that he would use it against me, and it would distress our oldest DC. I was hoping for a straightforward and minimally acrimonious divorce, but I don't think I'm going to get one. sad

Thanks for listening.

kittycat68 Wed 01-May-13 09:19:39

agree with iheartdusty here , dont try to stir him up just get it over with as quickly as possible the more you argue with him over stuff the longer it will go on . good luck op.

iheartdusty Tue 30-Apr-13 22:15:38

re unreasonable behaviour and Part 6 of the petition:

In a sense, less is more here. Provided there is enough for the court to accept it (as babybarrister says, any 3 things will do), your divorce will probably end up being more civilised than if you set out in detail all the examples of nasty and obnoxious behaviour that you can remember. No point in getting him all stirred up, he might even start wanting to defend it to 'clear his name' yadda yadda, and it will almost certainly make him more vindictive over the money side of things.

Glacial cool, dignity, and rising above. That way you can focus on the finances, and he will be on the back foot.

digerd Tue 30-Apr-13 16:42:31

shock [anger]. Your ex has an inflated ego and is dilusional. < wish there was a [full of contempt face]>

kittycat68 Tue 30-Apr-13 13:06:05

could well be. In that case OP get the divorce moving and keep pushing it forward as he sounds like he would probably go on the go slow incase you want him back!!! my ex once told me i should be grateful he married me!!! shows what ares some men are!!

Longdistance Tue 30-Apr-13 10:45:07

He'd be lucky to kiss my arse, let alone peck me on the cheek.

I reackon he's playing it cool, as ow has had her fun, and she doesnt want him now. That's why he's not staying at hers.

kittycat68 Tue 30-Apr-13 09:30:46

just out of interest op would you take him back if he gave up the other women?

Homebird8 Tue 30-Apr-13 08:37:05

You're doing the right thing to progress the divorce. He seems not to be able to comprehend that you are able to make decisions for yourself. Having said that, your decision regarding the 'peck' is a loving one for your DD. I hope he can be as loving and that your DCs can grow up respecting both of their parents. Sending you a bouquet thanks for your stage presence under difficult circumstances.

fengirl1 Mon 29-Apr-13 21:55:26

OP - do get a solicitor, even if you only do so to get help filling out the forms. I have only skim-read this thread, so forgive me if I repeat what others have said. It is probably still the case that if you divorce on the grounds of adultery, that unless he admits to it, you could end up going nowhere. It would be better to go for unreasonable behaviour, and that did not have to be in the last six months alone ime. I wrote a list of twenty points and my solicitor guided me as to which would be best and how to word them - so write down anything and anything you feel to be relevant (mine included never coming with me to dc's hospital appointments (one dc has a severe sensory impairment), undermining me with dc's, spending his bonus money and money from his family on himself but insisting money from my parents was spent on home improvements etc. Don't try to fill the forms in in one go either - they take time! If you need any valuations on anything you're likely to retain eg a car, get the lowest value you can (use websites like I found it helpful to photocopy the forms so I had a working copy I could then write up on the final form.
I'll shut up now as I've rattled on long enough! Keep the end point in mind, and good luck. smile

Snazzynewyear Mon 29-Apr-13 21:35:49

I wonder if the OW has become less keen to have him move in, or he's become less keen and now wants what he can't have. Either way it shouldn't change your resolve now. It may take a while to get rid of him but the sooner you start the ball rolling, the sooner he'll have to go.

SolidGoldBrass Mon 29-Apr-13 21:29:47

He thinks that it's up to him to decide what happens, and that you and the OW should be frantically competing to 'win' him. You're supposed to be begging him to give her up by now.

It might bea good idea to tell the DC. If you can't rely on him not to be a cock about it (eg start boohooing and insist that Mummy's being mean and throwing him out) then get your story in first. If you think he might behave well (ie if he's capable of loving the DC and considering their best interests) then telling them together is usually better.

expatinscotland Mon 29-Apr-13 20:42:53

What a tube steak this person is. He really thinks it's all about him. YY, plough on with the divorce.

babybarrister Mon 29-Apr-13 20:37:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MayYouBloomAndGrow Mon 29-Apr-13 10:51:34

Homebird - I couldn't duck the peck on the cheek as it was in front of DD1 who has not yet been made aware of the situation.

Well, yesterday I instigated a conversation while DD1 was out, saying that I'd said everything I needed to say, but that I'd hear him out if he had anything new or significant to add. His "room for discussion" means that he still considers himself undecided, and we started the circular conversations again where he laid out what he thought his options were (leave or stay). I told him that while he thought about things I'd continue cracking on with the divorce. He didn't even seem very bothered.

I'm a bit confused about the unreasonable behaviour - does it all have to be within the last 6 months? Or just some of it? Is it better to cram it all into the box in Part 6, or is it better to expand on things, use a continuation sheet and lay it out neatly in paragraphs?

Homebird8 Sun 28-Apr-13 07:11:00

I know nothing about legalities but I'm pretty damn sure you get to choose who pecks your cheek. Even my DSs get to choose that.

I am so sorry you are in this position and unfortunately I do think you're right that he has no intention of talking anything through. He doesn't think you mean it so it would be a waste of Mighty Penis time.

MayYouBloomAndGrow Sun 28-Apr-13 06:52:44

Thanks Monkey and Freddie. The Land Registry thing is done already, and the solicitor I've seen says that I will be ending up with the house, regardless of current ownership. He asked what my housing needs were. I replied a 3-bed semi in the catchment area of DD1's current school. He said what do you have? I said a 3-bed semi in the catchment area of DD1's current school. He said that in that case, no judge in the land would order me out of it.

Last night was weird. When the kids were asleep, I made myself available for talks if necessary by sitting quietly on the sofa, TV off. He had after all put in his e-mail that he thought there was "room for discussion", so I thought I should get it over with. He came in from the kitchen, sat down next to me on the sofa... and turned on the TV and started watching a film. I gave him a little while in case he was plucking up courage, then went to bed.

I think that tells me everything I need to know really. He's not come home full of remorse and regret, trying to talk me round at the earliest opportunity. Either he doesn't really give a shit if I petition for divorce, or he is so arrogant that he thinks I won't do it.

So, I need to plough on. I've been awake in the early hours and have now finished both forms. I'm doing the divorce paperwork myself to keep costs down, and saving the solicitor for financials (and children if necessary).

Please can I be cheeky and ask if any of the family lawyers would mind casting their eye over the contents of the box in Part 6 (via PM)?

Freddiemisagreatshag Sat 27-Apr-13 14:46:48

Oh I misread. If he owns the house, you certainly can't go putting locks on doors. You will, however, have been building up an equitable interest and I'd advise you very very strongly to get to a very good solicitor.

monkey9237 Sat 27-Apr-13 14:44:29

If the house is in his name only you should get on the Land Registry website and register your interest in the property, it's called a Charge. It means he can't just decide to sell the house without your knowledge/agreement. the house can only be sold if ordered by court or with the agreement of you both. I did this when I was in a similar position to you. I assume the law remains unchanged on it. Good luck.

MayYouBloomAndGrow Sat 27-Apr-13 14:37:52

Cross posted with a few people... looks like it's a good job I didn't install a lock then!

MayYouBloomAndGrow Sat 27-Apr-13 14:33:41

He's back. Waltzed in as if he owns the place <erm, whoops, he does!>, gave me a peck on the cheek, tried to continue as if everything is normal. I find it very bizarre how he can do that having been told I didn't want him to come back at all... I interacted very little, and even then only when answering direct questions. There was no discussion about significant things, but that's mainly because I removed myself as soon as the DDs went to bed.

He's been in the spare room for several months. That's all very well, except the spare room was supposed to become DD2's room, so it means I still have a cot in my room, and my sleep is disturbed by a toddler who throws herself around and dreams about cats miaowing and 'diders' (spiders). I'm also waking a lot in the night worrying about stuff, so am emotionally and physically exhausted.

We are kind of living as flat mates already - except that I would be warmer towards a flat mate, perhaps share a bottle of wine or a film with them. I think I can still make some progress in the direction of being less co-operative though. Today for example he'd hung his washing outside then went out. There was a heavy April shower - and his washing remained outside. Previously I'd have brought it in on autopilot. Actually, I'd have brought in a flat-mate's washing.

SGB you have made me laugh about the "mighty penis". I think you're right - he definitely likes getting a reaction. In fact, I do wonder if he gets some kicks out of having had me and OW both in confused/distressed states at various points during this whole sorry episode.

Bran - that's sound advice, thanks. Unfortunately I can't install a lock because he needs access to my room if he's babysitting DD2 while I'm out. But I have removed important documents into storage at a trusted friend's. And I have stopped using the "family" computer (which he set up) and got myself a laptop that he doesn't know the master password to.

I will continue to attempt to both stay grounded and rise above it <defies laws of physics> grin whilst cracking on, as suggested. thanks everyone for your thoughts. I think I need to keep talking to keep the momentum up. It would be awfully easy to slip into the pattern of the last several months.

Freddiemisagreatshag Sat 27-Apr-13 14:26:54

It's your house as much as his. Legally, yes. Morally, hmm, and whether it's a sensible course of action or not is another issue.

I'd advise you to go and seek advice from your solicitor who will be aware of all the facts of your particular case.

HeliumHeart Sat 27-Apr-13 14:23:04

Really? So if my H has put a lock on his bedroom door (the spare bedroom) am I legally entitled to remove that lock too then? hmm

Freddiemisagreatshag Sat 27-Apr-13 14:09:54

He is entitled to be in the house, as are you. And unfortunately if you move his stuff to a different bedroom and put a lock on the bedroom door, he is legally entitled to remove that lock.

If his solicitor has any wit, he'll have been told not to leave the house.

Morally's a different issue, but legally he has every bit as much right to be there as you do.

So sorry you're in this position.

sleeton Sat 27-Apr-13 14:05:02

I know nothing of the law and do know those advising up thread will have done so correctly (and they certainly did so kindly). I just wanted to say I am sorry you are in this position.
It seems to me that the way your husband is treating you and your children is emotionally abusive ('flaunting' an affair, and making no steps to resolve the situation by either divorce/moving out or by ending the affair).
Yet the law requires physical abuse, before you can force him to move, while awaiting the division of property? Intolerable!
Who was it that said "The law's an ass"?

Good luck!

bran Sat 27-Apr-13 13:35:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Collaborate Sat 27-Apr-13 13:17:56

Forcing out by injunction, and forcing out by a property settlement are 2 completely different things.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now