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Dont want to see ex while picking daughter up

(9 Posts)
hucnik Sat 20-Apr-13 19:20:32

Hi everybody,

There is a court order in place between ex and myself, to collect our daughter from my house every 2weeks. My ex is always late, or brings her back late on Sunday. But I am happy for them to have contact.

I have tried my best to stay calm about things, gave him clothes for our daughter, so he doesnt need to buy any, he is not paying maintenance, as apparently he is out of work (working cash in hand!)

But lately I cant cope with his behavior - he is beeing rude, not long ago, he wanted to fight with my new partner (who is supporting his daughter!)

I cant sleep at nights, beeing very stressed. Been to see GP to say I am not well, after blood test, they said there is nothing wrong with me, but they think its depression...

My ex left when daughter was 6 months old, so we were not really a family.

Is it any chance I can drop my daughter to contact centre for him to pick her up? Or will I have to live like this till she is big enough to open the doors and go??? I really cant do with this anymore!

HeySoulSister Sat 20-Apr-13 19:24:01

can you afford a contact centre?

how about third party? tho you may need to return to court for it...

mumblechum1 Sun 21-Apr-13 03:23:03

There isn't usually a charge for a contact centre, and they are there for people who are having serious issues, usually DV or CP.

OP, you can certainly ask the contact centre if they would be prepared to act as a drop-off/collection point but they may not have that facility, as most are used for the dad to see the child for the full two hours of contact, ie the child isn't taken off the premises.

contact centres are usually also only available for fortnightly contact of 2 hours at a time which is very restrictive.

hucnik Sun 21-Apr-13 07:36:25

I have no family and if contact centre is not an option, what are my rights? I really cant do this anymore, I am happy to go and see counceling or some help, as I cant sleep, eat, concetrate.

My daughter is starting to be affected by it too, as even I try my best to act as normal, she feels there is something wrong. And the way that he comes, doesnt even say hello and grabs her away made her to say she is scared of him now!

What about the fact he asked my partner to come outside for a fight? Or does he need to punch somebody first before somebody will see how he acts?

mumblechum1 Sun 21-Apr-13 10:03:13

Well, certainly it would help if your partner wasn't there at handover. He could be in the background but it sounds as though there's a bit of territorial stuff going on, your ex probably sees your current partner as being on his turf, and that aggravates him.

Not making excuses, but in these situations it's not uncommon for there to be conflict if the two men see each other at handover.

I'd suggest that you simply have your daughter ready to handover at the door, wave her off and tell her to have a good time.

When the situation calms down a bit you and your ex may be at the stage of having a civil conversation at the doorstep but until then my advice would be to keep communication to the absolute minimum.

I'm assuming that your dd is very little?

hucnik Sun 21-Apr-13 13:49:23

My daughter is 3. He left when she was 6 months. I have been with my new partner for 2 years now. He has been suppoting her with money ever since we have been together, as ex is not paying maintenance.

My partner is in the house, not coming to the doors at all.

She is always ready, dressed, but he is always late! sometimes even over an hour!

He should bring he back at 1700 (as per court order) and 7 out of 10 he will text me he is running late. not talking about 5 minutes, but hour, or two! this is just not fair.

She woke up today, and the first thing she said to me (even its not the day she should go and see him) Mummy I dont want to see James (meaning her dad!) I am scared! she has been saying that since last time when he turned up, took her out of me (she didnt manage to even say goodbye) and when he drop her off, he just walked her to the doors and gone.
So for her sake, its not good that she see us together. I have tried for year now, but its clearly not working!

Xenia Sun 21-Apr-13 16:25:56

If you just hang on a bit you can do it without contact. By the time ours were about 4 (may be 5) the door would ring and they woudl go out, There was no need for the parents even to see each other. That isn't possbile whilst the child needs to be got safely from door to car though. Even so there is no need to speak.

At lot of what you say sounds a bit strange. Surely it's a good thing if he drops her off and quickly goes on the return. You could turn that round and say well done him, he's avoiding conflict, a good father.

So just start a system where he rings the bell and you open the door and let her go which will take all of about 30 seconds and you do not need to look at him or speak to him at all.

I assume he has her less time than you do so perhaps an hour late on Sunday is not realy that much of a bad thing surely? Why not ask him if he wants to make it an hour later so you can make it a win win situation to please him?

hucnik Sun 21-Apr-13 17:45:25

Hour later is not good. we had it like that for 6 months and it did not work for my daughter, as it was all too rush - dinner and bedtime.

I had to stay up with her till 2200 and then getting up for work at 4 is not fun, when I am spending hour driving to work.

Its hard to describe the situation. But thanks for your comments. Will seek advice tomorrow.

kittycat68 Mon 22-Apr-13 09:15:30

op if ex is being threatening at the door you need to log this with the police. Start to keep a diary of whats happening. You would be able to get the court order changed so colletion is not at your house but you would probably need evidence of why this is not working. Also if your child is nervous and dosent want to go at thier age a court would expect you to force her to go. You would need hard evidence for this not to happen ie police reports and independant statements from people with what happens at hand overs. You could ask your neighnours to witness hand overs from their house etc. Unfortunately a court will do little if anything beacuse he drops off late etc. You would seem to be petty if you raise this, its all about the NRP having whatever contact they want these days unless violence to the child is involved so be carefull or you will be seen to be deliberately trying to stop contact.

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