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Husband wants solicitors arrangement for a 50/50 agreement if we divorce......should I agree

(36 Posts)
P35 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:16:13

Advice please, my husband wants me to go to a solicitors and agree to a 50/50 split if we divorce. I had an affair and he thinks it's only fair that he gets them 50% of the time as I have been unfaithful. Kids are 7 & 5. Advice please??

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 29-Dec-12 23:21:54

Have you ever viewed your husband as abusive and/or controlling? Have a look at this and then speak to Women's Aid, or at the very least read this book and start to reclaim your life.

P35 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:32:12

Funny that, my sister loaned me that book a few years ago. He is controlling, and that is the reason why I had an affair, because he makes me unhappy and crap about myself. Thank you.

VBisme Sat 29-Dec-12 23:36:40

It sounds like you just want to divorce him.

Why would you agree to anything if you don't want to be together?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 29-Dec-12 23:40:37

So what are you going to do about it now? Do you only "know" that he is abusive in a sort of intellectual sense, or are you ready to accept that reality now?

Tortington Sat 29-Dec-12 23:41:44

just get out of the relationship

AloeSailor Sat 29-Dec-12 23:42:51

I'd talk to your solicitor

P35 Sat 29-Dec-12 23:46:30

I would like to save our marriage if we can both make changes......he wants a legal agreement in place in case we can't....I think he has decided he wants a divorce and hasn't told me yet, but he will once I sign.....I'm just concerned that a 50/50 split will be more damaging for the kids

tribpot Sat 29-Dec-12 23:48:05

50:50 care is not a mechanism for punishing the wayward partner. If you'd had two affairs would he go for 70:30?

I think it's a perfectly workable arrangement if done for the right reason. This isn't one of them.

RafaellaNhaKyria Sat 29-Dec-12 23:49:51

I'd advise against it. I agreed to it and so far it's fucking hell. He's still trying to control everything I do, and what I do with her when it's "my time". She never can settle in one place, as soon as she gets comfortable it's off to the other house for a few days. I despise this arrangement.

I'm waiting a year (to show the judge I tried to make I work, on solicitors advice) and then I'm goin back to court to end this lunacy.

mercibucket Sat 29-Dec-12 23:50:08

50:50 can be great for kids, but it isn't supposed to be some kind of punishment! What worries you about the 50:50 split? Do you think he will be working against you the whole time?

mercibucket Sat 29-Dec-12 23:50:08

50:50 can be great for kids, but it isn't supposed to be some kind of punishment! What worries you about the 50:50 split? Do you think he will be working against you the whole time?

RafaellaNhaKyria Sat 29-Dec-12 23:50:51

Oh, and he is dead certain I had an affair and left him for another man. I did not.

P35 Sun 30-Dec-12 00:02:38

I just think it will be unsettling for them to be moved from one home to another each week. He often leaves them with his 84 year old mother if I am out at the weekend so he can go for a run/play golf etc. he criticises me as a parent constantly and it's his way or no way.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 30-Dec-12 00:06:22

With dc that young, and a mother that old... I have to ask, is he a lot older than you?

P35 Sun 30-Dec-12 00:08:51

10 years older.....

BaronessBomburst Sun 30-Dec-12 00:12:12

Refuse. What's he going to do if you don't sign? Divorce you? This is not a man who is prepared to make changes, is it? He wants you to change and is using the children as a bargaining tool in case you don't.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 30-Dec-12 00:12:46

Uh huh. <- why am I not surprised?

Seriously, speak to Women's Aid, and start making plans to leave. You cannot save this marriage, nor should you.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sun 30-Dec-12 00:15:36

He won't get 50/50, btw, it's most likely to be Every Other Weekend, maybe a night during the week (depending how close you live) and half of school holidays, with Every Other Xmas/New Year.

P35 Sun 30-Dec-12 00:20:10

That's what most my single friends have arranged, he idolises the children and says it will finish him off if I take them away from him. We started marriage counselling 18 months ago and his reason for saving the marriage was for the sake of the children......that rings in my ears every day!! I know what I need to do, just need to get them back to school so I can get on with it, thank you.

RedHelenB Sun 30-Dec-12 09:05:42

From his POV, you have an affair & he loses access to his children, I can fully see why he would want 50/50. You need to discuss how to work things out.

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 30-Dec-12 09:21:01

50-50 is very tricky to work for the children. How will they feel having to swap houses all the time?

My ex and I did 50-50 till dd was 5 years old and it was ok but once she started school it became clear it wasn't workable long term especially if you do not get on well enough to discuss things like rules being the same in each house etc

In the end I went to court and moved away, now he gets 1 weekend per month and most of the school holidays. Dd is much more settled.

AnnoyedAtWork Sun 30-Dec-12 09:27:21

DO NOT agree to it by the way as this will weaken your negotiating position in court later on

You do not want to be in the situation where this man has so much control over your life after you have divorced

sybilfaulty Sun 30-Dec-12 09:27:23

Well, the court wouldn't see it like that - it doesn't allocate time according to (perceived) blame. Any such agreement would be unenforceable and no solicitor with half a clue about family law would prepare one on the basis simply that you had been unfaithful.

The court's starting point is that the children's welfare is paramount. How would this best be promoted if you were to split? 50 / 50 can work but can be hard and inflexible. Is 50/50 what is best for the children?

Good luck with sorting everything out. Take care.

tittytittyhanghang Sun 30-Dec-12 09:37:45

Im with Red Helen. You had an affair and then he loses his children. Why don't you let him have custody and you have eow and a night or two through the week?

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