Is this contact schedule likely to be imposed?

[pinguthepenguin]

Ex took me to court recently to change how he sees our dd. He wrote that wanted every weekend fri-mon on the application, but when we got in the court room his sol said he was actually only seeking 3 weekends out of 4. He wants to drop his current mid week visit to dd as he says the 13-14 mile journey is too much for him.

The way he presented his argument was to say he is asking for '2 weekends on and one off', thereby making it (I feel) sound more reasonable, but it still means 3 weekends out of 4 for him, or 3 in 8 for me.
I rejected this. I don't want to be relegated to the parent who does the drudge of homeworks, school run etc. Dd does activities at weekends which will mean giving those up. This proposal isn't fair on her. The clerk asked is to consider mediation, so we agreed and have a review hearing in feb.

I cannot see ex backing down from his position in mediation. He said he needs to drop the mid week ( it has been going for well over 2 years) and his missed time needs to be made up at weekends.

My sol thinks it will go to a final hearing. Is this likely to go his way? I am distraught at the thought of having barely any free time with my dd, she will barely see her friends:/

Can anyone advise? What is my defence against this kind of order being imposed?

[Spero]

No. Child has a right to 'fun' time with both parents. Hence bog standard order is everynother weekendfor non res parent, with a mid week if you live close enough to make it feasible. If he wants to drop the mid week, that is his choice, but he doesn't get to take one of your weekends.

[pinguthepenguin]

Spero you are the best. I so hope the judge thinks the way you do. Aside from the fact that ex is using all manner of ways to get what he wants ( telling the court I'm a rubbish parent basically), I am at a loss to see how this benefits dd.
He said he wants more time with her, but at weekends only?

[balia]

How old is she?

My DH has 3 weekends out of 4 (court ordered) but only one is a full weekend - so both parents get a full weekend, with the other 2 split (one Fri, one Sat). Could you propose that as a compromise position? If the current arrangement is EOW then the argument that she'll have to miss out on weekend activities is a bit wobbly as she must do already - why not ask that he takes her to the activities, it sounds like he is close enough.

IME courts/Cafcass like to see both parents trying to come up with solutions, rather than simply refusing to change anything. Could you suggest more time in the holidays?

[Spero]

Balias compromise sounds ok. I just don't see how any court would order one parent have Friday to Sunday 3 times a month. I have never come across that kind of arrangement in 10 years. But Balia's situation sounds fair.

[pinguthepenguin]

Balia she is 5.

Our current weekend arrangement is exactly yours- we have a weekend each and split the other 2. She also has a fixed week night at dads.

He also has 50% holidays ( although he can't currently meet that commitment and hands her over to childcare- but that's another story). So basically, right now we split dd's free time down the middle. The issue now is that he wants to drop the mid week visit as he says (suddenly after more than 2 yrs) that the traffic is terrible and he can't do it anymore as it takes 1.5hrs driving? I don't believe for a minute that it takes that long tbh- and depending on the day, he changes his answer from 30 min to 1.5hrs. Anyway as it stands, he couldn't take her to her activities for this reason and in fact reneged on an agreement to take her to her activity on his one full weekend a month, so she already misses it once a month.

If my argument about her activities is weak, do you see another angle I could take to argue that it's not fair?

[pinguthepenguin]

Spero he wants fri to Monday, 3 times a month!

[Spero]

You don't need and 'angle' - that is just not fair. The week is taken up (I assume) with work, nursery or school. Your interactions with your child will be largely feeding and washing her. The weekends are the opportunities for other stuff, exploring, adventures, activities, visiting friends etc or just relaxing at home. Not fair to expect you to have 100% of the drudge and only 25% of weekends. That is how I would argue it.

[pinguthepenguin]

Spero yes, that pretty much sums up the week for me, work, homework, ferrying dd to another 2 activities, homework, more work in evening for me (from home), you know the score.
Ex is saying dd is very very unsettled due to our current arrangement. This just isn't true. She is happy, healthy, knows where she needs to be on each day of the week, and is a calm happy child. However, instead of being honest and saying he wants to change the arrangement for his OWN reasons, he told the court it's because she is unstable, insecure, has behavioural problems, is exhausted travelling to see him during week. He used very emotive methods of telling the court it is in dd's to change current schedule, when the honest truth is that she is 100% fine with how everything is

So instead of

[NotaDisneyMum]

The fact that he needs to drop the midweek night due to his inability to cope with the regular driving undoubtedly will concern you, and supports your position, so is something you could raise in mediation.

I assume that he is picking your DD up from school/childcare and dropping her back to school the next morning on his midweek night. So, her school is about 15 miles from his home, in an urban/city area, hence why the journey takes so long? And she's just started school, and has about 5 or 6 years still to go?

As your DD gets older, she will naturally want to accept invitations to friends birthday parties, attend school activities which take place at weekends and generally develop a social life that takes place 15 miles from her Dads home. If she is at his home most weekends, and he refuses to drive, she will miss out on all of that.

What if her school Christmas disco is at 6pm on a Friday? Will he be able to cope? Will he take her home, give her early tea/snack, get her dressed in party clothes and take her back again, then make himself scarce for an hour and a half before collecting a hot, excited, tired child and taking her back home again - just like my DP did for DSS last week? Or will he be unable to take her to those events? If so, can he REALLY claim that he is capable of co-parentiing her - to facilitate ALL aspects of her life? If she's there three weeks in four, then it is more likely than not that these events will fall on his weekends, so she is more likely to miss out because he's unable to cope with the driving needed.

His inability to cope with regular driving between his home and the area that her school is in means that he cannot be an equal parent to her - I suggest you focus on his self-admited limitations in mediation as it may well lead to a change in his position quite quickly.

[pinguthepenguin]

Disney, you've hit the nail on the head!

Dd's dad says he can't do the driving because of the impact it has on dd- and blames me for creating that distance as I moved. However, he is leaving out the part where he moved before I did, and that he argued that the mid week visit would give consistency and stability. I agreed
In the end - DD did need to see her dad in the week and that arrangement has been working well for 2 years. Now though, he says that the midweek visit is affecting dd and he needs to see her at weekends only to give her 'stability and consistency' ( wtf??!!!)

Wrt to her social life, you've made such an excellent point- tonight for example, one of the activities she does were holding their Xmas party tonight. I didn't dare ask him to swap with me or take her there. He would flip, or just not answer me. Poor dd has missed out because communication has broken down between us.

Incidentally, I asked him by email about dd's Xmas presents ( so that we don't double up/ ruin the Santa illusion etc) and he blanked me. Just won't reply.

Apparently he wants to 'share' parenting with me, but behaves like this

[NotaDisneyMum]

I didn't dare ask him to swap with me or take her there. He would flip, or just not answer me. Poor dd has missed out because communication has broken down between us.

It's important that you do keep asking, even if you don't expect a response, or he reacts unreasonably. If you don't, he can (as my ex did) claim that " of course he would have taken DD, had he known about it ", so make sure you keep him fully informed and treat him like the equal involved parent he claims to be and allow his actions to reveal his true colours.

Is it the fact that DD doesn't cope well with the journey, or that he doesn't, which in turn affects his interaction with her? When you get to mediation, try and pin him down as to what the issue really is if you can.

[pinguthepenguin]

He wrote on his app that the distance and car journey makes her extremely tired and consequently behaves badly??. He also mentioned that it has an effect on the rest of the family as they are waiting for her to eat etc, plus there is a financial burden :/
Those are his reasons. Oh, and the 'stability and consistency'.

[Spero]

Many things are possible. The question is is it likely? The only 'detail' I can see which would make it likely was if your child was quite a bit older and was explicity asking for it. Otherwise I can't see what possible reason/justification there could be for such a lopsided split of weekends. It is very different time to time in the week.

[pinguthepenguin]

BabyB- what are your reasons for thinking its poss?
What kind of detail would make it more likely to be imposed?

[Izzyschangelingisarriving]

13-14 miles is nothing, I do that sort of mileage (return so 40 plus miles) all the time. Thats pathetic of him.

He has regular contact and I cannot see a judge changing it for the sake of it - I wouldnt refer to his 50% of holidays as not working, he is still being responsible by using childcare/

[pinguthepenguin]

I thought the same izzy, but he reckons no:/

[MOSagain]

The 'normal' pattern tends to be alternate weekends (if living within a reasonable distance which is the case here), sometimes mid-week contact (depending on distance/age of DC/after school activities etc) up to half the holidays and alternate Christmas.

Of course all judges are different but the above is the type of thing that would be ordered in my local CC

[pinguthepenguin]

Thanks mos and izzy. I hope you are both right, this is stressing me out so much