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worst scenario i refuse contact. would a judge agree?

(12 Posts)
Gottabbrave Sat 08-Dec-12 20:03:40

Hi never posted in legal before but need some advise desperately
my ex p and i have been split nearly a month. We have a 9 mth old and a 2 yr old together.
In that time he has not made any attempts to see his dcs and asked about them only once.
During our relationship there were massive red flags i should have headed and he was abusive to me in every way. I am no psychologist but in my opinion he has classic narc traits.
He is intent soley on controling me and uses the art of manipulation well. Im not sure he is a good influence to my dcs but has been an ok dad while he was with me. My older too dcs however were verbally abused by him on and off. He said himself our dcs together are just babys (so he cant control them yet) in my opinion.
If i need to refuse contact the only evidence i have are solicitors letters about contact with his other partners dcs which he was offered contact but he wished to play mind games with the mother threats etc and so she fled with her dcs who he hasnt seen since.
Thankyou for reading if u got this far.
He told me a while ago he had a brain condition which made him medically mad!
No proof! Will a judge listen if no hard facts are presented? Please help. X

Gottabbrave Sat 08-Dec-12 20:12:11

May i just add that neither has he paid any maintenance so far. I dont even know where he lives!

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 08-Dec-12 20:12:59

Has he consulted a lawyer yet? These things can take a while to organise.

Gottabbrave Sat 08-Dec-12 20:15:42

Not as yet as i have not stopped him from seeing them. Just pondering access and what to do at the moment.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 08-Dec-12 21:00:16

I think you may be getting a bit ahead of yourself; he's not showing any interest or paying maintenance (do contact the CSA with whatever details you can give them) so he may just do a complete vanishing act. In the event that he has a sudden change of heart, you don't have to grant contact unless you trust him. If you don't, he'll have to go through Court, and imvho the time to start worrying is then.

Assuming that this will be a couple of years down the line at least, he'd likely get supervised contact to begin with. At that point he'll either step up to the mark, or fuck off again. Controlling types don't much care for being supervised.

Gottabbrave Sat 08-Dec-12 21:36:46

Thankyou for your reply. He has been in touch about his possessions and getting them back and says he is just very hurt right now so im expecting him to get in touch soon. Thats why im worrying i think x

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 08-Dec-12 21:43:47

Ha, in touch about his stuff, but not the dc. I suspect you have little to worry about with this one.

Have you anywhere to store his stuff under cover, but out of your home; a shed, a garage, a large wheely bin ? So he can collect it without you having to see him.

Is your home bought or rented, and is his name on the tenancy agreement/mortgage/deeds? And is his name on the dc's birth certificates?

addictedtolatte Sat 08-Dec-12 21:53:18

Hard Evidence is needed am afraid. Its took me 12 months of court battling to convince judge. Am still not at final hearing yet it just goes on and on. Sorry to be doom and gloom just being honest. Hope you don't have to do battle in courts.

STIDW Sun 09-Dec-12 03:32:29

A narcissist is someone with an “overwhelmingly strong personality" who nevertheless still has low self-esteem that drives them to dominate the lives of others, but life is such we often have to work alongside them. It's better to focus on someone's behaviour and adopting strategies to deal with it rather than try to put a label to it which may or may not be correct. Apart from the fact considerable knowledge, skill and experience are required to use diagnostic tools there is a lot of overlap between different conditions and sometimes conditions evolve so overtime even psychiatrists and psychologists may come up with more than one diagnosis.

There are exceptions of course where children need protecting from serious harm, but generally speaking it is better to argue to put measures in place so that contact can work rather than refuse any contact. Otherwise you can appear unreasonable and hostile which does your child no favours in the long term. Measures might include indirect contact (letters, cards, parcels) for a while, supervised contact or contact in a contact centre so that contact can be re-established gradually. The ball is then in your ex's court to commit to contact.

STIDW Sun 09-Dec-12 03:32:52

Gottabbrave Sun 09-Dec-12 20:07:13

Thanks for your comments i will take them all on board.
Its like a catch 22. On one hand i agree a relationship of some kind with their dadis good for the dcs but i could harm them long term if he starts using them as a weapon or slagging me off to them.
As he hasnt seen them for a month or asked after them i fear this may be a game to him!
When he came to get his stuff my dad was here and he said he would talk to him about contact. I am so angry he continues to text my parents and possibly use them to his advantage. Luckily they know him for what he is.
Its sooo hard not to just tell him where he can stick his game plan.
My 2 year old has not mentioned him since he left but she knows he isnt around any more and misses him i see it in her eyes its just so upsetting!
Why cant he just step up to the mark and end our suffering of not knowing what his next move is? I want the best for my dcs but i fear this is a no win situation.

Gottabbrave Sun 09-Dec-12 20:08:39

The council flat is mine. And yes his name is on the birth certificate

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