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Diaries for court?

(40 Posts)
pinguthepenguin Wed 21-Nov-12 18:54:49

My ex and are in court soon regarding access arrangements for our dd. He reckons he will be submitting a diary and a calendar to show the judge 'what I'm like'.
He says this diary with it's various accounts over the years about what I've done and said will be taken as evidence. The calendar will be to show how often dd goes there dating right back to her birth. The trouble is, I absolutely know it will be full of lies and the calendar will be full of 'false entries' as to when dd has visited. He is convinced though that he will show the judge what he has had to put up with (?)

Thoughts anyone? Can he just submit a load of tripe like this? Now I am worried......

pinguthepenguin Thu 22-Nov-12 14:58:59

Spero, I totally get what you are saying. I don't want to go down this road but these two harass me endlessly about my care of dd, to the point of taking her for unnecessary medical consultations, weighing her constantly, interfering in my cm arrangements, making unilateral decisions about her care. I have tried everything to reason with them both and it hasn't worked. The fact that he is now taking me to court means that I will (hopefully?) bring that process to an end. I feel as though my dd's self esteem will be in tatters if I don't stand up for her. sad

Spero Thu 22-Nov-12 15:48:32

But that sounds really unpleasant for her and verging on emotional abuse. This needs CAFCASS to investigate pronto.

I don't remotely criticise you for raising this - sounds like you must- but that kind of behaviour does not sound compatible with lengthy periods of overnight contact. So you need to think carefully about the logical progression of your arguments.

pinguthepenguin Thu 22-Nov-12 16:40:59

I must admit that I am worried about that as well. I was always scared to stop contact, it seemed so drastic and to be honest, I don't want to damage the relationship between dd and ex. I just want him to think about the effect his criticisms of me are having on dd. My sol however thinks this is an opportunity to get this all out in the open, but like you've pointed out, I have my reservations about it. I just want it all to calm down, but my sol thinks that if I don't bring it all up now, then I've no chance further down the line if there is another dispute. He thinks there is always a small chance that I could get unlucky with a judge who is swayed by ex's argument that he should have her every weekend. By not voicing my concerns now, i will be committing them to history.
What do you think Spero? Does he have any merit with this?

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 17:22:42

I know the feeling of being scared to stop contact so well.

But, when you know it's not right for your DD, I found that the fear goes away and your 'tigress-mother' kicks in. At least, that's what happened to me.

In your exH case, he seems unwilling, rather than unable, to put your DDs safety and welfare first and I get the feeling that deep down, you know that she isn't at risk - not withstanding the fact that she is subject to a lot of point scoring.
It's all got really hostile and your DD is caught in the middle - but a bit of common sense would resolve things fairly quickly.

I don't blame you for being furious that your ex has delegated care of your DD to his DW, who seems determined to fulfil an equal role to your own - but the current legal framework does not seem to adequately provide for these situations - which IMO, fails the DCs.

A few months ago, I sought legal advice because my ex was trying to replace me with his DW in DDs life. It was clear that my only recourse was applying for a residency order - but we have reached a satisfactory compromise after very difficult and honest mediation; I felt I had nothing to lose and surprisingly, it finally seemed to get through to my ex.

It was also very liberating to say to my ex's face that I didn't like him - he had mistaken my civility in front of DD as genuine friendship confused

pinguthepenguin Thu 22-Nov-12 18:39:00

I amazed you managed to finally get through to him Disney- he sounds impossible. Mine wouldn't care less if I said I didn't like him:/
My issues regarding risk are tricky. I am caught between knowing dd isn't at risk of immediate harm and feeling incredibly worried for her well-being as she grows and realises the people she lives with think she is a liar, (an overweight one to boot)
I absolutely don't want to embark on an adversarial and destructive process, in fact I am positively dreading it, but the truth is I just don't know what else to do. He is taking me down this road, and while I could happily sit back and let him say what he wants about me to a judge, there are things I need to say to him as well to make him realise how his (and her) behaviour will affect the child who right now- loves them unconditionally. sad

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 20:00:29

I'm fairly sure that a court can order that you both attend a Mediation Information and Assessment meeting - I doubt it will go down well if your ex continues to refuse mediation given the circumstances.

pinguthepenguin Thu 22-Nov-12 20:06:21

So are you saying that I should ask the court to order this?

NotaDisneyMum Thu 22-Nov-12 20:20:49

I don't think you can 'ask' the court what to order, but if you've made it clear that you're willing to mediate, then perhaps they might?
Has your solicitor mentioned this at all? I thought it was a court requirement now?

Have you been told about the Separated Parents Information Programme, which is a course/programme that the court can order parents to go on?

pinguthepenguin Thu 22-Nov-12 21:01:25

My sol did mention mediation but he said courts are still accepting applications even though people haven't attempted mediation. My ex blatantly wrote on his that 'there's no point' to mediation and they still accepted it! ( its been transferred to a fam proceeding court now though which sol said indicates that they don't think it's too big of a deal)
I think ex just thinks a court will do what he says and that I'll be publicly proven to be the person he says I am.
Ex would balk at being sent on a course!

Spero Fri 23-Nov-12 10:14:53

Just be as open and honest with the judge as you have been here. You know your daughter loves her dad and she needs a relationship with him. However there are aspects of his behaviour that worry you and he needs to stop or modify that behaviour or yo are concerned ot could harm your daughter in the long run.

Mediation is often touted as the magic wand in dispute resolution but it ONLY works if both participants want to do it. It does not to me sound as if your ex is the mediating type. Howeverit may not hurt to try, so make it clear to the Judge you are willing to give it a go.

If he gets every weekend, I will eat my copy of the Family Court Practice (which is the size of a brick). Tha would be totally unfair for your daughter and you, as another poster said, leaving you as the 'drudge parent' while he has all fun times.

I would be shocked if the judge made that order and I would conduct your appeal for free!

pinguthepenguin Fri 23-Nov-12 13:30:16

Thanks so much Spero! Hopefully I won't have to call on you for my appealgrin
I feel loads better, so thank you.
I do hope I get the chance to speak to the judge, I was under the impression that as it's a directions hearing there won't be an opportunity for that. You've really encapsulated what I want to say- that dd loves and needs her dad but he needs to be aware of damaging his and sm's behaviour is :/
Thanks again- I'll keep you posted!

Spero Fri 23-Nov-12 14:52:55

You may not get a chance to speak directly to the judge at a directions hearing, particularly if you have a lawyer present, but make sure your lawyer drafts a short position statement - if this is not already set out in a statement - to say what you want to say.

pinguthepenguin Fri 23-Nov-12 15:06:41

Thanks, I will get him to that. He wants me to file the court papers next week with what I want to say. My sol wrote a draft version on my behalf ( you know, the conciliation forms etc) and they sound quite 'harsh' IMO- although no less so than what ex said about my parenting in his original court app.
I will get him to edit it though. Cheers Spero

Spero Fri 23-Nov-12 17:19:09

Try to avoid 'harsh', much better to be 'more in sorrow than in anger'.

However much of a giant bell end he is, he is her dad, the only dad she will ever have so unless his problems are so great there is a serious argument about no contact or greatly reduced contact, concentrate on how the currentproblems could be solved or at least made better. The judge will ne pleasantly surprised if you adopt this approach - so many people think they have to respond in kind to ex's nonsense and the heat just goes up and up and no one really benefits.

Remember that even the lowliest deputy district judge has to have been in practice for seven years, so they really will have seen it all before.

pinguthepenguin Fri 23-Nov-12 18:04:01

Spero you've been massively helpful to me- thanks so much.
It's been referred to a magistrates court, which scared me initially as my sol said they can be crap and loathe to make decisions but I've had to stop driving myself mad about all that kinda thing and this thread has helped me with that.
I am def going to speak to my sol about the statement. It is in sorrow that I raise my concerns, and not spite. Ex has IMHO lost his way completely and is being driven to be so hostile by his DW ( that's not to say he isn't happy to support her in the hostility) I just need him to stand up for dd and remember who the parents are here. I will keep your wise words in mind when trying to relay that to him.

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