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URGENT Need support and reassurance

(24 Posts)
Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:06:38

To cut a long story short I have two DS's one age 7 and one nearly 8 months, different dads.

I split up from baby's dad in June of this year.

We were not married but he has his name on birth cert so equal parental responsibility.

I am suffering from post natal depression and am getting help from mental Health Team and Health Visitor, soon even Social Services. I am aware this sounds serious but I am constantly being reassured that this is to support me in keeping my family together.

I asked babies dad to look after him for this week with the agreement of me taking him back Sunday night. His mum came round tonight and said that ex is now going for full custody and in her words "You will never see that baby again!"

I shut the door on her as I was in shock and my eldest son 7 heard everything, and is now asking if he will see his baby brother again. I phoned ex and he (very smarmily) said yes that was the case and before I could ask him wtf he put the phone down.

Devastated is nowhere near to what I am feeling, I now have to somehow get through to the morning and make an appointment with my solicitor. My DS1 is devastated and worried he wont see his brother again and I am just a wreck. Please someone reassure me that he simply cannot do this!!

AgnesBligg Thu 01-Nov-12 00:10:56

I would phone the police, now. On what grounds can he take such a small baby from it's mother? None.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:22:05

They cannot do anything. I have put this thread in chat under the same title as more response on there

Collaborate Thu 01-Nov-12 00:31:45

The police won't want to know. See a solicitor tomorrow if you can. Look on the resolution.org.uk website for details of solicitors near you. If you act quickly then the status quo is still your baby living with you. wait too long then the status quo changes.

Just a thought - after April the government thinks that people in your situation won't need legal advice and representation. You'll have to either do it yourself then or pay privately.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:38:51

collaborate Thank you, I am seeing a solicitor first thing, there is a case open already.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 00:55:21

Can I ask from a legal point of view, is there a possibility of me being refused a residency order??

mumblechum1 Thu 01-Nov-12 02:02:51

My view (Collaborate's may differ), is that for such a young child the court is likely to make an interim residence order in your favour, so that the dad is ordered to hand him back to you very soon but with generous contact to him until such time as the court can properly consider all of the circumstances.

Your solicitor will need to make an emergency application tomorrow which means you may spend most of the day hanging round at court either tomorrow (by which I mean Thurs) or Fri, so have a plan in place in case you can't look after the 7 yr old.

Collaborate Thu 01-Nov-12 06:29:42

I agree with Mumbles.

RedHelenB Thu 01-Nov-12 08:08:25

Are you breastfeeding?

RedHelenB Thu 01-Nov-12 08:11:08

FWIW, as you already are getting support in place I think it will go against your ex, acting in such a matter. A bit different perhaps if you had denied you needed any help when you obviously did.

Collaborate Thu 01-Nov-12 08:47:02

Get a letter from your SW to say they're helping you and are satisfied that with the current support in place you can parent fine. And that you're cooperating.
Client of mine was recently in similar position. When it got to court he was advised to back down.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 11:41:45

I stopped breast feeding when he was six months old so don't even have that on my side.

Thank you all, my solicitor is on the case trying to get it to court today for a emergency residency order to be put in place.

Yes I admitted that I have PND and am accepting help, so please please please let the court see that I am trying. I am not a danger to my children, I would never hurt them.

My eldest boy is being looked after by his dad and step mum. I am so lucky that I have a good relationship with them and they are offering a lot of support.

To make matters even worse my little boy has made allegations of being hit and threatened by my ex. I know this sounds so so awful but he hasn't told me, he told his dad and step mum and I feel so guilty for not seeing the signs.
Am reporting it to both social services and the police.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 22:58:06

Been through a hellish day. I went to court for a residency order, only for the judge to decide that he wanted to hear my ex's side of the story before proceding so after less than five minutes in court with a judge that looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there and rather bored I was left with no resolution and told to come back tomorrow!

I asked my mum to ring my ex and he very reluctantly agreed to come down to my house with my baby. I knew once he was there I could refuse to let him take baby away again.

I have been so so lucky that my ex has grudgingly backed down and said he is now not going to apply for sole custody and we can go back to how things were.

A part of me wants to scream and shout at him and really make him suffer by withdrawing contact but I know it would not look good and more importantly it would be my baby that will suffer in the long run.

I am really uncertain as to what happens now, we are due in court at 2pm but I am not sure if a residency order will be needed or granted if both of us are in agreement that I should have residency and his father regular contact.

In a strange kind of way, although it has damaged our rather fragile relationship, he has done me a favour as my maternal instinct kicked in big style and I now don't want my baby away from me for even a second.

All the hurt and anger may just have had a silver lining. I am trying to be positive and put this behind us and move forward but it is not going to be easy. He has said I can't see him the once, why should I believe he wont do it again?

Does anyone know what the courts may decide?

prh47bridge Thu 01-Nov-12 23:20:07

Assuming you are still in agreement when it comes to court the court will not make any order.

mumblechum1 Thu 01-Nov-12 23:26:02

Do make sure you turn up tomorrow though, as a courtesy to the court.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 23:27:50

I thought this may be the case. Am glad because I know through DS1 the amount of shit that gets thrown at each other in the hope some of it will stick. Its not a nice experience having your life under the spotlight and I am hopeful we can come to a agreement.

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 23:28:59

I will, thanks everyone

YourHandInMyHand Thu 01-Nov-12 23:30:22

Do go to the court tomorrow. I would perhaps point out he could change his mind again at the next time he has the baby and again refuse to bring baby home.

I wouldn't trust him and would want to make things official.

Sorry you had such a scare, put those legal boundaries in place! Can you call your solicitor in the morning before court, give them an update and ask for advice?

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 23:40:58

I am due in court at 2pm and meeting with solicitor at 1.30pm. Will ring first thing tomorrow to see if she thinks it is advisable going ahead and trying for residency. My concern is because of my poor mental health, (had depression for years, made worse with PND) the court may delve into my circumstances at the moment and possibly decide against residency for me IYSWIM?

Blue81 Thu 01-Nov-12 23:41:50

I need to go and get some sleep, will update tomorrow

Bobyan Fri 02-Nov-12 16:42:45

How are you OP?

Blue81 Fri 02-Nov-12 20:59:15

Well court went as well as it could. I have been granted residence and dad is to have the same contact as he had before this all kicked off! Rather angry that he has forced me into applying for residency by threatening that I will never see my baby again, only to back down once its too bloody late and court is involved!

My only concern is that the judge wants a CAFCASS report on the both of us. Because of me having PND and suffering from depression in the past I am scared. The PND has hit me hard and I was supposed to be getting help from social services. (I really didn't want this but my health visitor managed to convince me) The help from SS was not anything to do with safeguarding, rather just helping me get back into a good daily routine with both DS's.

However my Health Visitor has dropped a bombshell on me, because I described to her the feeling of wanting to hit my baby because he wouldn't stop crying, she is now saying if asked to give a report, she will have to include this. Really?? You show me one parent that at some point hasn't thought "Just shut up!" I would never ever ever hurt my children and she bloody well knows this. Feel very hurt by this as she is basically just covering her ass!

If she does get asked I don't want to think what will happen. Am so very scared. Just goes to show that PND still isn't understood and that asking for help isn't always the right thing to do!

RedHelenB Fri 02-Nov-12 21:09:41

Presumably she will qualify that by saying that it is a common feeling with PND? Try not to worry.

Bobyan Fri 02-Nov-12 21:36:46

And those feelings are why you sort help, you must keep remembering that!

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