Child support agency.......

[MissCKitty]

Me and my DP have a little girl 20 mnths and he has a son from a previous relationship. He was made redundant last year and since then has been a stay at home dad to our little girl whilst I have gone back to work. We have been having some issues with the CSA claiming there are massive arrears on his account and demanding payment. We are not disputing there are monies owing because he withheld payments until his ex allowed him access, which we got via a court order last year. However there is a serious discrepancy between what they say he owes and what we have calculated he owes based on the fact that he hasn't worked for over a year. Now my salary is the only money we have coming in and although we are not on the breadline we do get to the end of the month with nothing left. I am also spending close to £200 a month for my DP to see his son as he has to do a 6 hour drive to the other side of the country twice a weekend every month. Now in a phone call yesterday the CSA asked my DP to ask me to start making contributions to his child support arrears because he isn't earning anything at them moment. I was aware that being with DP meant the his son would be part of our lives which I was happy with but AIBU to feel aggrieved now I am not only paying for him to see his son but now I am being expected to pay his child support at the detriment to my own daughter? I worry what happens if he and I ever separate. I am spending hundreds of pounds on a child that isn't mine. I feel a bit selfish thinking this way but although i love the amn to bits, his son is not my responsibility. What do other people think?

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

What he owes is based on what he earned at the time, not what he's earning now. And no, you are not responsible for either that debt, or his current maintenance payments.

Be aware, however, that the CSA are starting to crack down on non-payers (as they should) and if he has assets (owns a house/car/anything valuable) he may be forced to sell in order to cover his liability.

[lisaro]

I think he sound a real catch. You're bitching about your child-I wonder how the other was when your loser withheld maintenance.

[MissCKitty]

He has no assets at the moment; the house and the car is mine so there is nothing for them to take which is why the want me to start contributing. I am considering getting a solicitor friend to draft a letter to say that IF I do make any payments that if we ever split I get ALL the money I have spent back. However this seems really mean and distrustful but I need some reassurrance that i am not potentially going to be spending all this money for nothing.

[MissCKitty]

wow lisaro, that was a bit harsh. She left him to be with a new man, therefore she was fine. And to be fair you have missed the point of the post.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Who would you expect to repay you?

Maybe he should just get a job and pay his own debts.

[MissCKitty]

The problem we have at the moment is he is looking after our little girl as we can't actually afford to put her in nursery. He is looking for work and has been for the last 12 months, its not like he has thrown his hands up and gone 'oh well'

[lisaro]

What, the innocent child left him? Oh no, his ex, so he punished the child. Don't be surprised when it happens to you.

[S1eepy]

he withheld payments until his ex allowed him access

and he expects people to have sympathy for him??????

[Collaborate]

Agree with OldLady. There's nothing they can do to claim it from you, and if he has no income and no capital they can't enforce it against him as well. But it will remain his debt. He should provide them with evidence of when he stopped work and that should bring down the arrears a bit.

[MissCKitty]

No lisaro, once again you have only read the part of the post. He fought through the courts to see his son as when she moved away with her new partner she refused him access. I have been there with him whilst he has worked hard to get contact. This is the reason why he withheld payments as he believed (rightly or wrongly) that if he did she might reinstate visitation. And if it does ever happen to me I would conduct myself in an dignified and grown up manner so the best interests of my child and not my own self interests were at the forefront of the situation.

[MissCKitty]

Thank you Collaborate for a constructive informative post. As I stated in OP we are not arguing the debt, we are prepared to pay it once we are in a better situation financially. They are aware of his redundancy date, hence the questions re the calculations.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

Erm, if you split up with him, you would HAVE to pay for nursery. If he is a SAHP to your DD, then he is ignoring his financial responsibilities to his FIRST child.

I think that while he bears a financial responsibility towards his first child, he should be at work. If that means YOU being a SAHP, then so be it.

If you couldn't afford Nursery fees AND maintenance for your DP's DS, as a family, then you shouldn't have had another child, should you? The maintenance contributions to his first child should come first.

When you already have one child, you should think about the financial implications of having another one BEFORE you have them. Your DP obviously didn't.

His maintenance for his DS comes first, not how expensive nursery is for your DD.

He is depriving his DS of financial support by being a SAHD to your DD. IMO that is reprehensible.

And as for withholding maintenance until he saw his DS - WTF?! Children are NOT pay-per-view, where you only have to pay if you see them! Maintenance and contact are, rightly, separate. It doesn't matter whether he never sees his DS again, he STILL has a financial responsibility towards him.

I am utterly DISGUSTED that you are whining about how your HOUSEHOLD income will have to cover his maintenance, when you are admitting that he is not in work because 'nursery is too expensive'.

It's NOT your money/ his money when he is SAVING you the cost of nursery fees by enabling you to go to work by looking after your DD rather than being employed himself! It is then HOUSEHOLD income.

If you don't want it to be HOUSEHOLD income, then tell him to get a job and support his DS himself!

How DARE you moan and complain that your HOUSEHOLD income will need to be used to support your DP's DS. If he went out to work, then he could pay. As he looks after your DD, he isn't in work, so the HOUSEHOLD income should cover it.

YOU chose to get into a relationship with someone who already had a child, you have to accept the financial and emotional responsibilities your DP has to his DS. Tough shit if it makes you hard up paying maintenance. If he can't pay because he is a SAHD, and you don't want to (you will have no legal way of recouping those payments if you and your DP split btw), then he HAS to stop being a SAHD and get a job. Any job. Even if it pays less than your nursery fees. You should have thought about the fact that maintenance comes first, everything else after. Before having a child with your DP that he obviously can't afford to look after, as it is stopping him from financially supporting his existing child.

And I hope you realise that your DP can lose his driving license, have his passport confiscated, and even be imprisoned for non-payment of maintenance. And those powers are going to be use much much more as of April next year.

You'd have to pay for nursery if your DP was in prison for 6 weeks, wouldn't you?

Your DP is a worm. And it won't be long before he does the same to you. Hope you're ready. Because I can't see you getting maintenance out of this reprobate.

[MissCKitty]

Woah, woah woah.................... I am gobsmacked by the massive wave of negativity.. I think I might have been wrong to expect objective and constructive advice.

[CouthyMowWearingOrange]

This IS constructive advice.

I will be sweetness and light to those who accept that their partners have a financial responsibility towards their pre-existing DC's FIRST AND FOREMOST, before ANY other calls on their finances.

Anything but that is morally repugnant.

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

Problem is, MissCKitty, that a lot of women here have been in the ex's position, with fathers failing to pay what they should. And they're angry about it, so you're getting it in the neck.

You have had advice - no, you are not liable for his debts - and CouthyMow has a point, if your dp couldn't afford a second child (yours) he shouldn't have impregnated you.

But it's too late for that now.

Have your dp anything he can sell to reduce his debts? OK, not a house or a car, but clothes, watches, a pushbike, books? Was there no redundancy money which he could have used?

[lisaro]

In airs grown up manner than him, you mean, I gather. Ie not withholding payment for a child because you can't see it. I think the reason you're asking about possibly getting the money refunded is because you realise this loser will do the same to you and you'll be even more out of pocket. The ex is well rid. You will be one day.

[lisaro]

In airs = in a

[S1eepy]

My ex didn't think he should have to pay for his 2 DC's for some reason, the CSA thought differently and took it straight from his salary at source. I'm sure he begrudges every penny. My husband works hard to provide for me and the children and feels proud of his family and rightly so. I know who i'd rather be married to.

Thankgod that maintenance and contact do not go hand in hand. Men who think they can buy contact appall me. You need to give your DP the jobs page in the local paper OP and tell him to provide for both his children

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

If you work regular hours, OP, could DP get work in the evenings and weekends? That's what DH and I did when our dc were small. Didn't do much for "family time" and I didn't get a whole day off for over 18 months (more than one job to juggle) but they're not so young forever.

Or could your dp set himself up as a childminder, and work from home?

[Balderdashandpiffle]

You won't get a lot of support OP, I'd try the Wikivorce forums.

He shouldn't have stopped paying but I can see why he did it.