Child Contact

[harpbear]

Wow this is very hard for me to write but I feel I need all the help I can get. When I was 17 I fell pregnant and had a daughter I married her father 2 years later and we then had a son. A year later we divorced and because I had no where to live I left my 2 children in his care and had regular contact. 6 months later he stopped contact and made threats that if I tried contacting him he would do me for harassment, so as much as it broke my heart I stayed away. He and his parents have always had money and he had a great support network I was on my own with nothing and felt very intimated by him and his family. Now 11 years and 8 months have gone by and my daughter will be 15 this year. She has recently made contact with me via facebook and has lots of questions that needs answering and i feel she deserves the answers. I am not wanting to go over the past and blame her father I am just simply wanting to reestablish contact with my children. Her father has now messaged me saying if i contact her or him again he will do me for harassment and emotional blackmail and abuse of a minor. I have asked him to keep me informed of their schooling and health issues to which he is refusing. He is also refusing to provide me with any details for me to pass on to the mediation service to arrange things legally. I understand why he doesn't want to give me his address details but there is no reason why he cant provide me with either his solicitors details or a suitable address where he can collect the post. He is saying I have to wait until he deems it suitable for me to have contact with the children if he ever deems it suitable. I do not want her to suffer anymore than she has it breaks my heart when she messages me and I cannot respond as she will be thinking I have left her again. What can I do? As a mother I will totally understand how some will feel about this and any abuse i get i know I deserve. I am just trying to correct the biggest mistake of my life.

[Collaborate]

She is 15. She contacted you, not the other way round. Just communicate with her, not the father. You don't need his consent. At 15 she will be mature enough in the eyes of a court to decide for herself who she sees and has contact with.

[harpbear]

Thank you thats what I thought but I am just worried with his threats as he is threatening social services I have 4 other children who I am a single parent to. I was hoping to do it legally and above board with their dads consent and mend the bridge properly thast why i suggested mediation but he doesnt seem to have changed and I do not want to loose what possible relationship I can have with her again because of him.

[Collaborate]

You can't mediate with dad about your contact to a 15 year old. She is more important than him. She asked you a question on FB. Give her the answer you were going to give her before he contacted you.

Getting in touch with your son is a bit different. I'd start with your daughter first, and if she agrees to meet you you can then ask what the son thinks. If ex obstructs you seeing your son you could try applying to court if he won't agree to mediation.

[BlackberryIce]

Social services won't be interested. He seems to think he has a lot if clout and the law and agencies will be on his side.... They won't be

Communicate with her. She is old enough to decide if it went to court

[Tiago]

Answer her. Also, keep a record of all his threats (preferably printouts with times and dates stamped on them).

[aokay]

don't see why you expect abuse when you sound abused by a controlling and bullying ex who managed to block all your contact with your kids and deprive them of a mUm - am sending a virtual hug and hope you feel as excited that your daugter wants to know you as you should be - I'll bet she's been dying to contact you for years - ex is blowing smoke - the children are not his possessions - I really hope you go from written/phone contact to meeting as can see no reason why you and your children should'nt have the chance to enjoy each other - wishing you best of luck and hope you don't let the ex bully or intimidate you any more ever.

[mummy2312]

harpbear, believe me i know how you feel....i lost my 3 boys to their dad due to me having a nervous breakdown, he could not cope with me and whilst i was in hospital he went to a solicitor, i got a letter stating that due to my ongoing mental condition my h stated that i had not and could no longer care for my children and how much the children were thriving without me around...due to my condition i believed that maybe they were better off with out me, i sent them birthday and christmas cards and money but my now ex said that its is better i dont phone....i found out that he had moved someone else in found out 8 months later it was my now ex best friend...moving on 6 years and my eldest son now 16 contacted me i was do delighted but that is when the trouble started, nasty calls saying not to speak to him, him being told not to talk to me, needless to say my son asked me if he could live with me ;) followed 9 months later by his brother, my youngest is still with hi dad and stepmum but the way things are going i will not be long before he is here too....the bullshit the pair of them fed my sons beggers belief they made me out to be the most awful person that ever lived they never gave them any of the cards or money i sent them told them i hated them and that they were terrible children thats why i left them and i took all the money!!!......dont let this man threaten you dont let him make you believe he can keep you and your child apart...i truly wish you all the luck in the world...with my boys i told them the truth, i never slag their dad off and we started a whole new relationship and its bloody wonderful :)

[olgaga]

harpbear please do not be put off by these threats. At 15 your daughter is old enough to decide herself whether or not she wants to find out the truth about her absent parent.

You might want to look at these websites - the first will provide you with some interesting reading, and you can email them:

//www.maypole.org.uk/

Unfortunately the Rights of Women website seems to be down at the moment but keep trying - they also have an adviceline:

//www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

You can also contact the Community Advice Helpline on 08345 345 4 345
//www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/UsefulContactsByCategory/Governmentcitizensandrightscontacts/DG_195356

Hope this helps.