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Help please - regarding child access after separation

(8 Posts)
Dropdeadfred Mon 16-Apr-12 15:16:45

I am asking for help for my husbands best friend. He has decided (after his wife's adultery) to seek advice on what happens next re: the children they share, if he decides that he cannot continue with the mariage. They have a house in joint names with a considerable amount of equity and have two children who both attend infant school. I think the husband assumes right now that due to his wife having an affair, he will now lose his house and his kids ( as well as his heart being broken by her).
He is going to seek legal advice but i wondered if anyone could give me any information about what steps he should take..? ie does it make any difference if he temporarily leaves home whilst thinking things through (although still seeing his kids every day)? will she get full custody of the children? will he have to see them just every other weekend?
many thanks for any help

PullUpAPew Mon 16-Apr-12 15:25:47

Hi, I am not a legal professional but have some personal experience where a man I know well who was in similar circs was advised not to leave the family home. I would suggest he stays at home at least til after he has seen the solicitor. Also if the first solicitor tells him he will only ever be able to get every other weekend, try a different solicitor before losing hope. My friend has close to 50/50 split, although slightly more time in hols and slightly less in term time - but much more than every other weekend. It can happen.

Remember mediation comes before any court stuff so he should try to push for as much as he wants during that process - is there any indication of what his stbxw wants?

Dropdeadfred Mon 16-Apr-12 15:32:13

She shrugs her shouders alot and says 'its up to you' about whether they should try with the marriage...shows no remorse... Anyway - I know her adultery in no way affects what happens with the kids, she is a great mum to them and i know she expects that her husband to allow her to have custody during the week and him to have alternate weekends IF he discides to move out. At the moment she seesm to belive they can carry on as befre but just having separate bedrooms...he is so confused and hurt but his main priority is not the house or anything financial - he would just like to have his kids live with him as much as possible. He would choose to live nearby so they could maintain their normal routines/schooling etc
When does mediation happen? after an application for divorce???
Thank you so much for your post!!

Dropdeadfred Mon 16-Apr-12 17:20:49


balia Mon 16-Apr-12 18:59:01

Tell him to stay in the house (separate beds) until he has a firm agreement of what is going to happen with the kids. He needs to think about how much he can realistically manage, eg with work (do they both work, or just one of them?) and work out a plan around that. He doesn't have to use the 'one size fits all' pattern that seems to have become the norm, either - I think there is research that shows that actually this is the worst outcome for children.

As they are married, neither currently has Residence (not called custody any more) and Joint Residence Orders are becoming more common. But he doesn't need the court if they can agree things themselves - he can just phone a mediation service and organise an appointment.

And don't leave the house.

Dropdeadfred Mon 16-Apr-12 20:31:56

Thank you Balia

3xcookedchips Mon 16-Apr-12 22:47:08

The advice is straight forward and important:
Stay in the house. Avoid confrontation, arguments etc, and start keeping a daily diary of interaction with kids to build up a record of his time with his kids. Agree the parenting of the kids before anything else.

JessicaLuis232 Sat 03-Sep-16 08:22:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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