Ex-contact HELPPPPP!!!!!

[lucyfluff]

OK here goes with the long story but I am desperate for advice please.....

Split with ex 2 years ago due to agressive/violent relationship. Police involved and a non-molestation order (1year) and contact order put in place. During that year he breached contact several times by not turning up and being very inconsistent. He also got charged again for criminal damage to my car.

Skip forward a year and I had had enough due to the impact his visits were having on the boys (8&5yrs old). So we went back to court to discuss contact as it obviously wasn't working and to apply for another non-molestation order. I may add here I was 3 months pregnant and he was threatening when coming to see the boys so was advised to do this. HOWEVER this got rejected at court. When we went back 2 weeks later he declined all offers of adjourning to get legal representation/said I had lied/prevented him seeing the children and basically walked away from them. I and my solicitor were very shocked.

Anyway (sorry this is long)!! NOW he has had a change of heart and wants to see them again. I do not know where I stand legally if I say no? Does anyone have experience of this???
He has parental responsibility of one child only and has never paid maintainance. I am 2 weeks away from having baby number 3 with my new partner and looking to move house in april. I also need to know if I legally need to inform him. My solicitor is taking her time answering questions and I am getting very stressed especially with the MIL pestering me too :(

Would be grateful if anyone responds xx

[olgaga]

Has he made a formal application to the court, or has he just got in touch and asked you?

I think if you have a solicitor you need to let her do her job, presumably she has your instructions. I'd concentrate on the more pressing issues of pregnancy and impending childbirth and moving. The contact issue will take time to be dealt with and frankly the longer it takes, the better it is for you, surely?

I wouldn't bother informing him about the move until it is certain.

You would think his past behaviour would be taken into account, and if he hasn't seen his child for a year that's a long time in a child's life - but who knows.

Have his circumstances changed? Is he working? Is he able to go to court and say he is now working and settled and can actually meet his obligations?

When you say the MIL is pestering you, if you don't want contact from her you will need to tell her that. If she wants contact with her grandson she will need to apply for it formally if you're not prepared to agree anything with her.

I'm sure you'll get some helpful advice from some of the lawyers here - good luck.

[Collaborate]

You don't need to tell him where you are moving to. There has been DV. As long as he knows to contact you through your soliciotor then you're fine.

Incidentally, the government won't give a case like yours legal aid if the legislation passes - due to become law in October.

[lucyfluff]

THANKYOU for the responses.

No, no formal application to request access through court, purely letter through the door and comments from MIL that he wants to.

I know I need to concentrate on the baby, it is just constantly on my mind and because I am unsure of where I stand 'legally' I didnt want to say to MIL that access would be denied unless I know I can do this. I know my reasons if it did go back via court would be inconsistency/erratic behaviour on his part/unreasonable questionning to the children/pot-smoking (when we were together this is a massive issue).

His behaviour is very 'jekyl and hide', and he is very clever in that he can talk the talk which is what happened with the CAFCASS people last time and basically said i had lied and prevented him seeing them.

I know i need to be stronger with MIL its just very awkward as she dosen't know exact details of what he did (domestic violence wise) or what happened at court. I know she is getting pushed by him but it's so heart wrenching when she tells the boys he wants to see them and I have said they arnt!!!!

My new partner is reluctant to provide MIL with new address so would it be ok to just tell solicitor? send bday cards via them/family member?

Collaborate...what is a DV? x

[olgaga]

Grandparents don't have an automatic right to apply for contact. Firstly she would have to apply to a court for permission to apply! If you feel she is manipulating the children by trying to make them feel they are missing out on a relationship with your violent ex, then that's a pretty good reason to give her for stopping contact.

I suppose you have given a copy of the letter through your door to your solicitor? What is your solicitor recommending as a next step? What were the reasons the last application for a non-molestation order was rejected? It seems crazy if he had smashed up your car.

[olgaga]

If she doesn't know all the details, perhaps you should explain to her exactly why you are reluctant to agree to contact!

[lucyfluff]

I dont really have an issue with her having contact with them atm, and have told her she is fine to see them at our home but for the time being there only as I know he would come to her address if she took them for the day. I just feel every visit is totally unnanounced/awkward from her and ends with her suggesting or commenting to the kids about their dad. My partner told her her last time how inappropriate it was and that we were waiting on solicitor feedback re ex contact.

I just wanted some advice off anyone on here in similar position/experience of this. I have the letter still from ex but have just asked solicitor where I stand to denying access still due to previous behaviour/inconsistency and ultimatly him walking away from them at court last time. Surely he gave up parental rights saying he didnt want contact?

The judge rejected the last order due to lack of evidence/the fact he turned up at court on the previous dates to defend himself and so he was given the chance to put his side accross again. Solicitor was shocked it didnt go through due to previous one. The car incident was separate and has occured whilst on first non-mol!!

Sorrry this is a right pain !!!!!

[olgaga]

I just feel every visit is totally unnanounced/awkward from her and ends with her suggesting or commenting to the kids about their dad.

You need to tell her that it's no longer convenient for her to turn up unannounced. Phone and ask her when she is likely to come again so you can see whether it's convenient. I don't understand why you haven't filled her in on everything that's been happening already but I would certainly do that now. When you speak to her you can then also explain privately to her that in all the circumstances, it is inappropriate for her to discuss contact issues with the children. However well-intentioned she is, she needs to know that contact with her son may not happen so it is unfair to discuss it with them.

Make sure you arrange the next date as she is leaving. It's perfectly OK to say that you want to know when she is coming so that it is at a time convenient to you.

[olgaga]

If there is no contact order in place I don't see the problem with you refusing contact because of his past behaviour.

Of course that doesn't mean he can't apply to the courts again. I would wait to hear what your solicitor advises.

[lucyfluff]

Thanks for the reply olgaga. I know I need to be stronger with her and put my foot down about unannounced visits/his past behaviour. I sometimes feel like I will hurt her as its her son and she hasnt done anything wrong herself.

I think my next step will be wait for the solicitor and then feedback to MIL and explain my reasons. Hopefully if she see's its for the boys best interest then she will understand.

Do you know if i have to legally tell ex about change of address/school?

x

[olgaga]

I think take the advice of Collaborate who earlier up the thread said

You don't need to tell him where you are moving to. There has been DV. As long as he knows to contact you through your soliciotor then you're fine.

Women's Aid have a good advice line - if you haven't already been in touch with them they are very good:
www.womensaid.org.uk/

[olgaga]

Sorry, the link didn't work:

www.womensaid.org.uk/

[Collaborate]

DV = Domestic Violence.

Choose a contact centre for structured contact with the grandparents. It is usually supported contact rather than supervised. Look for the nearest one to you on the NACCC website.

www.naccc.org.uk/

[lucyfluff]

Thankyou ladies much appreciated xx

[lucyfluff]

I contacted the above link yesterday and all they said was they could not give 'legal advice'!!! I'm guessing it's because my case is a bit tricky.

If anyone else reading this could answer my questions would be much appreciated:
If my solicitor has new address and ex requests it/can he apply for a PSO?
If he takes me back to court for contact what is the likelhood it would be granted if he walked away last time?
Also schools? If these change does that info go through solicitor?

I dont know whether to tell my solicitor after we have moved to write to him or just to wait and tell the MIL that we have?

Above stated I didnt' due to DV but this was approx 2 years ago so is this still the case?

Sorry I'm waffling I am still uncertain about a few things!! x

[STIDW]

When they have Parental Responsibility either parent can apply for Prohibited Steps Order to regulate PR and prevent the other parent from doing something they do not agree with such as moving away or changing schools, but that doesn't mean an application will be successful. Applying for a PSO can be viewed as aggressive and controlling so the father could well shoot himself in the foot. A PSO isn't necessary if he wanted the address where his child is living he could apply to court for disclosure of an address, although it won't be successful if there is evidence of DV.

If there has been a long gap in contact it is possible it could be re-instated but it is likely the court would want to see some evidence of commitment to indirect contact before gradually reintroducing contact.

[lucyfluff]

Thanks STIDW.

Could I just ask if we move before informing him will I get in trouble in any way?

thankyou x