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I feel like I am being cruel to my daughter by making her go to her dads house when she really doesnt want to

(6 Posts)
chocolatespiders Tue 04-Oct-11 19:07:51

dd- 9 goes to her dads every other weekend we agreed this through mediation I wasnt keen but ex also persuaded me to an overnight stay during the week, the night in the week has since been dropped as ex didnt want to take dd to her clubs. A club free night was offered by me but he didnt take me up on this . We went to court to sort out access through mediation but a court order was not put in place we just sat through mediation together. Ex requested a court order but the judge declined this.

Ex is now remarried with ds, his wife used to be very much involved with dd but that has unfortunately dwindled out and become less and less.

The reason for my post is a few weeks ago dd was there and the next night after she had come home I was running her a bath and she started telling me that daddy had worked all weekend and she was left with his mum (dd's nan) Nan was running dd a bath and as she got in dd said that it was to hot, nan felt the bath and said no its not and added more hot water when dd was telling me this I felt all life drain out of me and felt so sickened that she would be like this to my precious daughter and what should be her precious grandaughter.

Nan never liked me as I already had a daughter when I was with my ex and she has obviously still got it in for me and taking it out on dd, she often says to her do you like your sister (my teenage dd) and who do you like more mummy or daddy. She watched dd play sport a few weeks ago then said to her after ' you weren't very good' such negativity. She used to be a bit like this to my older daughter before dd was born and hated ex doing anything for the girl that was not biologically his.

I know it is ex's choice if he decides to work on the 4 days a month that he has dd but I cant bear to imagine dd being so unhappy and left with someone that is not treating her very kindly, but I am really stuck as to what I can do.

The other morning dd asked me to help her with something and I started to sing to her Anything for you' blush and she said well if you would so anything for me you would make it so I dont have to go to dads sad or at least make it so I only have to go on one night and not 2..

I am not sure what I am asking I guess just wondering how flexible this agreement can be whether it is reviewed or if they would listen to dd, and what age she can decided that she doesn't want to go or she can choose to just go for one night etc.

Any advice greatly appreciated. Thankyou

BertieBotts Tue 04-Oct-11 19:13:52

If you don't have a court order, then (I think) you can do what you like - I would certainly be reducing contact, if your DD is this upset. The bath story has really upset me actually sad

The only problem would be if XP wasn't happy about this arrangement and decided to take it back to the courts, it might look bad on you that you had changed things. But at 9 they ought to take her views into account, I think? When you say there was a judge involved, at which stage of the proceedings was this? I didn't know that judges got involved in mediation cases.

chocolatespiders Tue 04-Oct-11 19:31:13

We went to the county court (family court) and both separately spoke to a mediator, she then saw us together then we went into a room with one man in (who i think was a judge) He said that he was happy we could sort it out through mediation and didnt expect to see us back there. Ex asked for a court order but the man said they rarely do them and there was no reason that it couldnt be sorted out between us with mediation. Like you say it will look bad on me to end up back there, but also ex has dropped the mid week contact so that wont look great on him either and the letters I sent to him i also copied to mediation office.

I wonder if I should contact Mediation and ask them where I stand with this. I dont really want to go back as a working lone parent of 2 I was not entitled to Legal aid and I had to pay for the mediation costs but shock horror he who works and lives in 4 bedroom massive house with an aupair for the one child was entitled to legal aid- I sound really bitter I know but there is something wrong with that system to allow that!!!!

BertieBotts Tue 04-Oct-11 19:33:53

That sounds like a good idea to contact them.

Uglymush Tue 04-Oct-11 19:35:27

My friend has every other weekend with her DS but if her (soon to be)XH has to work then she has their DS rather than him going to XH parents. Perhaps you could suggest this?

crispface Tue 04-Oct-11 19:43:31

I think it a very hard balance you have to strike.

When you agreed to the level of contact, did you agree that his mum could care for your dd? If not, explain that to him, and explain that your dd does not want to be left alone with his mum, but that she wants to see her dad. If i were you, I'd try very hard not to make matters toooooo contentious, because if he feels like you are banning his mum from ever seeing your daughter (and i'm not saying you'd suggest this, just that he might feel like you are) then this might make his mum apply for contact in her own right.

So, if you can a phone call or fce to face meeting with him would be good, to try and iron things out, and put forward your dd's viewpoint.

Do be careful though, it is a very fine balancing act, because if he feels that you are disencouraging to contact, or putting ideas into your daughters head, he has a very good case to take things back to court. As a mother it is your job to encourage contact and to abide by a court order.

Good luck, you sound eloquent enough to be able to negotiate with him. Just beware of bringing past events to play, so if he accuses you, just bring matters back to the present and ignore his outburst. easier said than done, i know smile

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