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Really afraid

(17 Posts)
petersham Tue 20-Sep-11 22:47:32

I posted a couple of weeks ago regarding DH but I basically included too much incriminating info on my threads (he knows that I use MN) so I had them deleted despite great advice which was all noted. I will run this one for a couple of days and try not to put too much personal info on as I do not want to deprive others of useful advice via subsequent deletion

In summary, we lived abroad for a short while, DH (backed by his awful family) behaved terribly especially wrt physically punishing DS, we came home and after a lengthy wait for legal aid, found a solicitor. She seemed v pro- initiating contact with DH even though DCs were averse to the idea and we are alll anxious about his state of mind/ DV history.

This morning we had just finished breakfast when the doorbell rang - it was SS (unannounced visit). I explained that I would be willing to meet by arrangement though she shouted through the door that there were immediate concerns re DCs not being at school and their safety & that a police officer would force entry in 5 mins time if I did not open up. I just about managed to call GPs who advised that I should open and my father was on his way.

The SW was not that scary but DH has been contacting them regularly with fictitious allegations against me. She even said that she had to "tell him off" as surely he had years to bring these things up prior to us returning to UK. Re school, I said that there were full records at Ed Dept to show the efforts I have gone through to secure school places and we were only waiting to be formally allocated a place for DS. Dh has had her believe that we are cut off and isolated from the world even though we are out loads, learning loads and enjoying the UK again. I also explained that I had found a reply they had written to DH after his first allegation and contacted that and discussed it fully over a month ago. We were not avoiding anyone as they were claiming and if we missed their previous unannounced visits it was certainly not because we were in and deliberately not answering the door.

During all this, I explained how DH had been hitting DS and DS himself spoke to her about this - she explained the main SW will look into this in a fortnight.

The SW obviously got back to DH abroad as a few hours later, my parents and sister receive an email from him with a sob story about how I HAVE REPORTED HIM to SS and alleged that he has abused DS (gaslighting all DV). There is a thinly veiled threat saying that if I persist in these allegations he is going to start a custody battle as by changing the locks and our phone number (with full agreement of solicitor and DCs) I am denying him access to Dcs and turning them against him.

I am now feeling vulnerable from all directions - SS are going to return to do an assessment next week re Ds (I am afraid that we are now in the system forever although Reunite did point out to me that it gives DS a chance to explain how DH has treated him). DH is irrational and a smooth talker compared to myself; I am concerned that he will manipulate this to his advantage.

The solicitor who said I would not qualify for a residence order or PS so we don't even have that protection. Dcs are now going into new schools with SS records. I just cannot believe it.

I want to start proceedings as there is ob no hope of reconciliation and it seems like the best option & will address custody/ property (all mine incl all bills always) issues all at once but the few solicitors whom I contacted never even bothered to call back. I just feel that it is so tragic and so far from what I wanted for our family. I know that I am in a strong position but I feel really sad that he has been falsely encouraged by a couple of ignorant old bullies in his family and is now beginning to realise that he has bitten off more than he can chew. I am so worried for the Dcs as they would simply not be safe alone with him nor do they want direct contact; yet this may fall by the wayside. Also the evidence of his chastisement is abroad for the most part so would be difficult for the courts to access wrt cctv etc

petersham Wed 21-Sep-11 09:32:51


Collaborate Wed 21-Sep-11 10:11:57

Sounds an awful situation to be in. Not quite sure though whether you're bumping as you're waiting for some advice (I don't see you asking any question - just relating your story). Your solicitor sounds like she has things covered.

cestlavielife Wed 21-Sep-11 11:37:28

but he is abroad right??
so he cant do much right now?
how are you denying acess if he abroad?
makes no sense ...unles she going down the kidnap route -in which case he needs to eb talking to reunite lawyers....

if he comes back and demands contact he might have some case?

is good you had SS and they heard your side - work with them. their reports will be crucial if you end up in a court siutaiton with your H claiming residence etc .

you could apply yourself for a residence order - but maybe ebst sit tight and wait for him to make the first legal moves.
right now eh seems to be using bullying/scaring tactics - he called SS tehy came - they not doing anything.

wait his first legal move sit tight and carry on life

tell Ds that you will not make him go to see dad - but if/when it comes to court you will need to epxlain to him that other people are making decisions. and that you will do your best to ensure only supervised contact.

petersham Wed 21-Sep-11 12:48:18

Collaborate - I guess my points did get lost in my long post

cestlavie - hello again. SS are coming back in a couple of weeks to assess DS and want to talk to him one to one re the hitting. He is using the bullying, claiming that I am preventing him from calling up DCs whenever he likes even though the purpose of his only call was phishing for info to strengthen his case hoping to use the DCs as sources of information "I want to know if you are still living at home... how your day is structured atm..." hmm
I feel that I need to initiate proceedings as he comes from a country where it could be v tricky for me if he got there first (your user name kind of refers)

cestlavielife Wed 21-Sep-11 15:47:23

do the dc want to talk to him?

cestlavielife Wed 21-Sep-11 16:19:46

is quite typical for ex to say "you preventing them having contact with me"
when the reaonsa are for the safety and eg they dont want to talk on phone to him.
you cant reason with someone like this.
best just ignore.
if it comes to court then you can explain. to a judge. not to him.
let him go the legal route.

petersham Wed 21-Sep-11 21:24:33

no they don't - but he called my parents today and managed to tug on their heart strings (despite owning up for the first time re despicable thing that he did yesterday).
They are saying that I should agree to pre-arranged phone time with DCs. He has specified that he wants the conversation to be private with only DCs in the room speaking to him. I find this typically controlling and really inappropriate. He could scare or bully them (has done in the past)

Georgimama Wed 21-Sep-11 21:29:25

Out of interest why does your solicitor think a residence order or prohibited steps order is a no no? Would be first thing our family department would do.

petersham Thu 22-Sep-11 16:16:21

Apparently because he is now living in his native country - however he is obv perfectly capable of travelling back and forth so I do not think that is a good enough reason either. She said that if he physically turned up and threatened abduction than they would consider it at that stage. Anyway, I'll see what the new solicitor says next week ...when he made false accusations about my parenting and I had SWs banging at the door and threatening me (v traumatic after what we have been through recently) ||I felt that I would have had more of a leg to stand on with the orders. It seems stupid that I never got one because I underplayed the severity of the situation perhaps - of course he has threatened to take them but I am not a drama queen and nor is he in that respect ; it does not mean I am safter just because I haven't presented a sensational account

HerHissyness Sun 02-Oct-11 16:05:25

Does he part own the house you are living in? if so then the key comment is technically right AFAIK. If not, then it's your home! He does not have a right to keys.

you could have 'lost' your keys too and changed the locks, and as he is out fo the country, he doesn't have the set of keys you are holding for him... [whistles innocently]

Who is saying you have to allow phone calls? jesus christ, of course you don't! and if they are not wanting to speak to him, then why would any decent parent force them to? and in private? HUGE NO-NO. A child needs to learn that there are NO secrets from Mummy.

stay calm, this bully is trying to rattle your cage from afar. SS will respond better to you if you are not panicking and on the back foot. Expect this creep to do and say anything to try to cause trouble. given them plenty of eye-roll hmm and shrugs, but no screaming, shouting or protestations. they will see him for what he is. keep all correspondence from him.

If there are calls record them (and tell him you are doing so, as in at the beginning of the call say I am recording this call, if you wish to continue with the call, understand that there will be a record of it.) If he doesn't want to talk to you 'on record', fine. that'll keep him at heel for a while

My shitty x doesn't sound half as idiotic as yours, but there is no way I'd have freako talking to DS without the phone being on speaker so I can hear what he's saying.

petersham Tue 04-Oct-11 21:58:02

no he owns nothing but has since written to say that I should be talking of "our house" not "my house" and that we should sort out x,y,z prior to "sale of the house".

ss tried to return today but nobody was home - once again unannounced. They tried twice and apparently called too without leaving a message. Though arguably unreliable, they said that they have no concerns about my parenting though are concerned about the fact that Dh beat up DS - I said that I was doing everything possible to reinforce our separation. They said that they would like to set up a divorce file for me with correspondence between myself and solicitor though I have to say I am not keen on the idea as a lot of it is free info which they don't need and surely they only need to know basic outcomes, not our correspondence etc. It is pushing it a bit, surely?

My ex is lying low atm waiting for his "concerns" to be proven correct etc.

still no hope of an order though as apparently I could get an emergency one through quickly if the need arose and he arrived to grab dcs

HerHissyness Wed 05-Oct-11 00:13:21

You need legal advice. The house is not his, he has no claim on it, you can change the locks whenever you wish. There is no need to sell the house, it's not up for discussion. He may be labouring under the false pretences that he lived there so he can claim on it. Even if you are married, if the house was yours before hand, it's not a matter of him marrying you and taking half. Bluntly, he can f*ck off! Even if the worst comes to the worst, and he did get some kind of claim, no judge would force the sale of a child's home from under him,not until he was 18 and out of full time education. the most this arse would probably get would be a charge on the property.

SS will have concerns and will take steps to protect a child if a mother is not deemed as doing enough to remove an abuser from her children's lives.

A child in the same building as an abuser is deemed as suffering DIRECT child abuse. This is why they won't stop coming back until YOU sort your life out and get this dreadful man away from you and your DC.

Get advice ASAP and I think you will be advised to cooperate with the SS, I too worry about the free access to information, as you do hear horror stories about the addresses being sent to the perpetrator etc.

Please don't be afraid, just keep this man away from you, get a flag put on your address, call WA, call the Health Visitor, go see the GP, create a paper trail of evidence that this man is an abuser.

You can do this. you have to do this.

HerHissyness Wed 05-Oct-11 00:17:10

Ahh, just reminded myself, the clown is abroad isn't he? OK then you will be able to prove you are safe, but you will need to see SS to disprove the malicious claims. get advice wrt the SS divorce file though, talk to your solicitor to ensure that if it has to be done that no addresses/telephone numbers are on any documents they hold, for your own confidentiality.

prh47bridge Wed 05-Oct-11 12:12:17

From your OP you appear to be married. If that is the case HerHissyness is wrong to say he has no claim on the house. Even if you owned the house before getting married he may still have a claim on it. The courts will want to see a fair division of the assets. They will also want to ensure that the children have a roof over their heads but that does not necessarily mean it will be the current house. By the way, a fair division of the assets does not always mean a 50/50 split. What is fair depends on the circumstances.

You should get proper advice from a solicitor who specialises in family law. I would recommend that you go to someone who is a member of Resolution -

petersham Wed 05-Oct-11 23:16:16

update: SS came round and DS told them everything in private- they also said that DH is applying for a section 7 (?) but based on their report it is almost certain that he won't get any contact so it is unlikely to progress to welfare reports etc. I'm am not sure what his rights of appeal are etc.

WRt house, I have a doc in which he signed over rights to previous property sale proceeds around halfway through the marriage.. some kind of deed which he took along to an independent solicitor and signed. My solicitor ha written a covering advice to DH telling him to obtain separate legal advice and I was not present etc. I fully reinvested these proceeds to buy current home 8 years ago. Would this still be useful?

Wrt whether he is still abroad, I sincerely hope so! Should my solicitor no longer offer indirect contact in view of SS strong support for me?

I am getting advice - it is just that my solicitor is so busy I cannot expect her to advise as often as I would like. Thanks for your insights on here.

petersham Wed 05-Oct-11 23:21:26

I would add that even though I am obv in a strong position, I just feel desperately sad for him. There are so many "what if's" and I don't think he was completely bad, more weak, impressionable, unable to think straight etc. I would prob never have told SS about the chastisement and tried to get him help in private with a view to ultimately reconciling, but he effectively brought them to my door. I know that there is no hope now as they would def want to know if he were to return. I cannot believe it really. Even six months ago, I could not have seen it coming. There really are no winners

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